Published June 2, 2005
I had to post something...this is FAR from final...tell me what you think.
At dusk, I wander alone to the edge of the commons, my mind gently meandering and a warm feeling of calm hanging about me.
I stop at the fence, looking down at the many rows of burlap tents, now deserted. the soldiers have gone off to the fields to drill, the din of their shouts and muskets distant and undisturbing.
I absently toy with dirtied, aged lace at my throat, and I just am.
I feel whole.
Free of wanting. Free of passions. Free of sin. Free of doubt...
"You!" a sudden, soft cry escapes from my lips in surprise. "Irwing's boy, ahn't you?"
The voice is a strangled, high-pitched medley of a British and an American accent, choppy on the tongue and sharp to the ear.
"Yes, sir." I say, tentatively swerving around to face…
To face a boy.
A boy who couldn’t be any older than I, dressed in a pointedly dirty red uniform. Two sticky-looking, heavily bejeweled hands are half-buried in his coat pockets, and dark greasy hair juts out from below a slightly-askew bicorne.
He steps closer, pushing me back against the fence to escape the rank stench emanating from him.
So close, I can smell his breath, the spicy, sense-dulling odor of luxurious rum.
Oh, this is rich.
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141,288 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy this is an interesting start. We have ourselves what appears to be a pretty relaxed and somewhat almost gentle sounding opening thought there accompanied by the kind of description you don't normally expect to be accompanying something like that. it certainly makes for an intriguing opening here. I do find myself quite curious to see where this will take us.
Ohh this is an interesting little moment there. I was certainly not expecting that to be what happened, although now that does seem like it will connect a little bit better with the wholesomeness we saw earlier as opposed to what I expected which seemed more along the lines of that not so wholesome imagery.
Well that ended on a note I did not see coming. We're aligning strongly with the negative side of things once again and ending on quite the cliffhanger there. Well, this came together to make a very interesting piece there. I think you've done a really good job in terms of building that suspense there and bringing us to this point.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Heh...Best line in any story I've read....hehe... *grins evilly*
Excellent as usual, a bit more humorous than usual. Nevertheless, excellent
Go Sam, it's your birthday
lol
Now go do a happy dance in your pink and black converses
Excellent as usual, m'dear. Keep it up or me and my minions will have to pound on you a little pbit
I loved it.
That was such a great section. I really don't know how to say it, but it was just perfect. I've felt like that before, and you captured it beautifully in those few words. Don't know how you do it.
Haha, good imagery here.
I liked that line. Very sarcastic. Made me laugh.
I still can't believe you're only eleven. You write better than me and I'm fifteen! That's really not fair, Sam.
Well...uhm...it's not the beginning, but that's okay...
Not a bad begginning.
For some reason, when your character says "I just am,"it seems like it should just be "I am." I don't know, maybe I'm just OCD about things.
But, yeah, great job, this is a nice piece. Keep working on it.