My fingers are bleeding, small, scarlet drips that fall onto the paper with a rhythmic pitter-patter and spread in tiny, spidery crimson branches from the pool from whence it began. Sweat courses down my forehead, running in jagged rivulets down my face, and the ink-soaked parchment starts to shred, I’m pressing the quill down so hard into it. My head pounds with confusion and hate and complete disgust and so many different things I can’t explain.
I'm not fond of the over description in this paragraph. Also, there are a couple of corrections involving syntax and grammar I'd like to suggest. "My fingers are bleeding, small, scarlet drips that fall..." the "scarlet drips that fall..." makes it sound like your fingers are scarlet drips. "My fingers are bleeding; small, scarlet drops fall onto the paper..." sounds much better. Well, it makes more sense, because you've seperated the scarlet drops from the fingers...Did I make that too convoluted? Sorry if I did, I'm just trying to be helpful.
I love "spidery crimson branches." *applauds* But I don't like "whence it began" at all. Well, for one, it shouldn't be "it," as "drips" is plural. It should be "whence they began." But "where they began" is so much less complicated and much more in sync with the rest of the piece.
"And the ink-soaked parchments starts to shred, I'm pressing..."
There shouldn't be a comma between "shred" and "I'm." It should read: "And the ink-soaked parchment starts to shred I'm pressing..." See?
I adored the rest of the story. Short and simple and to the point. And beginning it with the prayer was very strong.
Good luck with this piece! It's got so much potential, and it's already so good!
-Sarah
this is great, and your right, your out of your writers block!!!
Points: 890
Reviews: 137
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