*
sticky lips pressed together in dark silence betray any hope of ever being innocent again
turn up the stereo so loud you have no hope of ever hearing anything else again but the pounding bass and out-of-control beats
the clothes you wear that nearly fall off your tiny body and expose you to the world for who you really are
dead.
*
My first attempt at poetry in a long while. I seriously need to get back into it...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Well this is my 750th review and also me cleaning out all of my review drafts from 2018. I have absolutely no idea what gif I have linked above but I guess I'll find out when this gets posted. Reviewing literary works from the archives from before the green room existed is what established me as a reviewer so let's see what thoughts I had laid out for this poem almost three years ago.
I'm very mixed on the idea of page long lines. Sometimes they lead to a lot of thought for the audience while others just cause confusion about where certain breaks are supposed to fall. With the one piece of punctuation in place, I think this is a type of situation where commas would help to form a bigger, better poem idea.
The spacing here, as another component of the formatting, is something that mixes me up. I'm guessing that it's something to do with this coming from the forum posting originally and then being put through the inferno that is the publishing center. I can actually see some sort of funky formatting working with this poem, but it would take a lot of work to decide what sort of creative formatting to apply here.
The imagery is really the saving grace here. The choices made in this poem can each lead into different lines of thought, such as the line about "sticky lips". Readers can question why the lips are sticky - is it blood? Spit? Lipstick? My brain goes in a lot of different directions as I continue to read back through this poem and wonder what meaning the author originally had in mind.
This ending seems a bit lacking, in that the lead up has now fell short of how definite the last line is. Being dead seems to be too simple for the rest of what's going on in the other poem sections. I think I know what they meant, but I would like other people to read this poem from one of our hall of famers to see what they think of Sam's artistic choices.
Happy February. It's 2021. I'm still reviewing old pieces from the depths of YWS so that our modern community can learn from the past.
- Jack
Hehe...yeah, I was trying to make it longer but I got stuck. GRR stuck-ness.
The ending was....different...I'm not sure what exactly its sopposed to mean, but the first two stanzas were good. Maybe expand the poem so it explains more?