Glossary of Nebraskan terms at the end. Thanks for your reviews, guys. ^_^
___
The next morning, Shuqiao sat on the steps of the capitol with her knees drawn to her chest, waiting. It was foggy and dank, and the clouds hung thick around the dome behind her, obscuring the phallic monument to pioneer spirit and Nebraska perseverance and something else she’d forgotten in the years since fourth grade. A legislator with his tie hanging limp around his neck sneered at her as he ran up the steps—she was missing the grizzled beard or Lethal Injection: Lethal To Our Pride sign she needed to belong on those steps.
It was early. The fountains hadn’t turn on yet down Centennial Mall—a vast expanse of concrete set between office buildings and trees planted in piles of mulch. They sat empty, instead, blue paint peeling under the weight of the condensing mist. An ant-person opened the doors to the Archives several hundred feet north, balancing a platter of bagels on his shoulder.
Zoe’s car pulled up to the curb. It was a hearse; rusted and crumbling, with seven air fresheners tied to the rearview mirror to keep out the smell of formaldehyde that was now as much a part of the interior as the plastic hull itself. It had been three hundred dollars. Zoe was proud of this fact.
“Hey,” Zoe said, setting a six-pack of Kool-Aid on the steps and sitting behind Shuqiao. She began to run her fingers through Shuqiao’s hair and separate it into chunks—public braiding was the one slumber party trade that she had refused to give up. “What’s on your mind, lapslut?”
“I’m not a lapslut.”
“You’re a guilty lapslut. Otherwise we wouldn’t be sitting on old Elk Penis at seven-forty-five in the morning.”
“Elk Penis is Chimney Rock, Zoe.”
“Penis of the Plains, whatever. I get them mixed up.” She wrenched the tab from the top of a Kool-Aid container and tipped it towards her mouth, drinking with one hand and looping strands of hair with the other. “Anyway. Why am I here?”
“The government is less likely to bug a government building.”
She nodded. “Word.”
“For future reference,” Shuqiao said, pulling a container from its plastic cage. “I hate Akshay Sajid, his homeland, his people, and his lap.”
“Musharraf ain’t too keen on you either, homeslice.”
“Well, of course not.” Shuqiao wiped a stray purple droplet from her chin. Zoe jerked at her hair to get her to sit still. “He’s a threat to American freedom and…something or other.”
“But Akshay,” Zoe breathed. “Akshay is hot. And he’s accepted George Bush as his lord and savior, so.”
“Has Oliver accepted George Bush as his lord and savior?”
“Oliver’s an atheist. He doesn’t believe in Republicans.”
Shuqiao sighed and traced the outline of the Kool-Aid Man with her thumbnail. “I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I cannot help my lapsluttish tendencies when I’m sleeping. It meant absolutely nothing and my hatred still lives as large as ever.”
Zoe smirked and pulled a hair tie from her pocket. “Sure. Fine.”
“It’s true. My sleeping on his lap was involuntary and—“
“I know, I know.” She popped open another Kool-Aid with her left thumb. “Oliver and I are going to go further the obesity epidemic tonight––do you want to come?”
“I have speech practice.”
“How is it that you always practice and I never do?”
“Him.”
“Oh, yeah. Your pillow needs to be defeated.” When Shuqiao’s scalp felt sufficiently numb and stiff, she moved away and picked up another Kool-Aid bottle. “Can you get a ride to Village Inn for seven-ish?”
“I believe so.”
“Cool.” Zoe flipped open her phone. “Aren’t you late for Chinese school?”
“What time is it?”
“Eight o’ five.”
“Ai-yah,” Shuqiao breathed, her heart starting to flutter. “I’ll see you later."
“Mkay. Ciao, Qiao-Qiao, my little lapslut.”
Shuqiao dropped her Kool-Aid bottle and leapt down the steps and across the street, barely missing a car that had decided to zoom out from behind Zoe’s hearse. She didn’t move her eyes from what she presumed to be the chimney of the Business building—where she was probably going to end up if Mrs. Zhou had her way. Her ashes would float up from the chimney and onto the wind, out over the city and back to China, to the little apartment by the Yangtze that smelled like fish and chemical waste. And then a piece of her—an eyelash, maybe—would float all the way to Islamabad and find itself on Akshay’s lap, marking even her eyelashes as––
A Jimmy Johns delivery boy—delivering Freaky Fast, she assumed—backed out of the Department of Health and Human Services building and into her path of flight.
Shuqiao and thirty turkey subs went sprawling. She felt herself sliding towards the fountain, felt the cruel vacuum force of gravity pull her into its bowls and onto the little motorized spigots.
As if to add insult to injury, a sandwich rolled off the edge and onto her foot, its container of olive oil opening and spilling on her leg.
The last thing she remembered thinking before pulsing pain and darkness was, Damn you, Akshay.
Even her eyelashes were lapsluts.
___
Chimney Rock: a rock formation in Western Nebraska that looked like a chimney to pioneers and an elk penis to Native Americans. (There should be some significant sociological message here.)
Ai-Yah: [Mandarin Chinese] f-bomb.
V.I.: Village Inn.
And yes, that is indeed what the youth call our capitol building. XD
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I'm back!!
Hah I love Zoe and the word lapslut. She just brings a whole different meaning to this world. You detailed every single move that Shuqaio and Zoe did which was good. And the language and dialog was a great touch to this next fab installment in the series.
Favorite Line:
I liked this line because it fits nicely after the one before it and when I read it it was kinda funny.
Really you're fabulous and this story is magnificent.
Two Thumbs Up!!
-Angel
Haha, well I asked and I shalt receive
I thought Zoe was kinda weak chapter one and then bam, you 180'd my opinion. Funny, funny stuff between these two this chapter. Specifically this bit:
Why does Shuqaio sigh after though, this stuff is witty, she should be laughing a little, huh? But seriously the back and forth between your characters is razor sharp. I laughed out loud more than once while reading.One part of the story did confuse me though, when she gets run over by the JJ dude (Hmmmm, Jimmy Johns... *Drools*) I think it's pretty clear he's in a car right? I mean you don't typically back bikes out of places nor do they move fast enough to cause the damage described. Well then how, do these subs land by Shuqiao when she falls? Cause if they're inside the car it would require the impact to have broken some serious glass which physics taught me is kinda impossible. And if they're outside of the car, that's just kinda dumb from a sandwich delivery practicality standpoint. Either way it could use some clarification.
I really liked the description of Zoe's car, as well as the 'hearse' moniker. The use of Nebrasken language was a nice touch as was the 'Ai-yah'. Foreign cursing is always amusing, although I knew this one from James Clavell's books and Futurama. But that's neither here nor there (though it might be somewhere...) There were a few spelling errors that I noticed, but I'm too lazy right now to search back for them. If other reviewers didn't find them, you can PM me and I'll point them out.
I guess the time frame of the story is a little weird at this point. She wakes up on the bus in a kinda cliffhanger and then next episode she's not only climbed up off of the cliff but is in the lodge drinking cocoa so to speak? I'm not saying you have to show every second of her life but some prime awkwardness and character fleshing was missed out on in my opinion. If this is how you want it, it wouldn't hurt to throw in a subtle hint of when this is taking place in relation to LapGate.
But for reals, this story oozes humor and quirkiness, so needless to say I basically love it. I'll check out chapter three tomorrow. Props!
Try, "It cost three hundred dollars."
*dies laughing*
For some reason this doesn't make sense to me. You might want to just leave this sentence off all together and end it with "Damn you, Akshay." That's more effective, in my mind.
Overall:
I'm going to steal your talent and use it for myself, because I have an inferiority complex and I don't like feeling shown up by a fourteen-year-old. :oops:
No, seriously, you are an excellent writer with a great sense of character development and dialogue. And description. And grammar... and basically everything. Very well done. Will there be more? *is hopeful*
I am having way too much fun reading these. The title is great too, though I haven't made the connection yet. I'm sure it will be brilliant, though.
Haha, Zoe's great.
You win life.
Ha, I'm sure she will.
I love this glimpse into your mind and life, Samness. I can't even critique coherently; I'm just having way too much fun with this. Tell me part three comes soon soon soon!
P.S. This isn't long enough. *smack*
I just seriously hope this isn't the end!
If it is, I'll definetly express my dissapointment...in some way!
This was good. I missed the fact that Akshay was gone from this part, which dissapointed me.
I loved your dialouge in this chapter! You have such a cool, subtle approach to everything. It is really wonderful!
Otherwise, I would love to see more detail but that is just me. I am a detail-freak, so just bare with me!
But, please PM me when you post more (which I hope you do! This better not be the end!)
Oh, one more question...Did you MC die?? If she did, I totally understand the ending of the series but...I'm sort of lost at the end.
Other than that, Keep Writing!
I’m baaaaack!
Nit-Picks
You’ve set up some of the atmosphere, but not enough yet. Are there a million stairs, or just a few? Are there many people around? How are they acting? You have one guy in there who can represent the general public, but we need to see if there are others out there.
It’s good that you set it up here, though. Now you can kind of forget about that and just throw in a few important details.
Also, is this right after part one? If so, that means that she did all of that really early in the morning, which needs to be incorporated in the first piece – coffee everywhere, woman putting makeup on to cover the black circles under their eyes, etc. If there’s a time lapse, you need to make it a little bit more apparent. (There’s obviously a gap, but we don’t know if it’s five minutes or five days.)
Those last two sentences kind of bothered me. They’re kind of short and choppy, and it kind of ruins the flow a bit. Maybe saying ‘It had only cost her three hundred dollars, a fact Zoe was very proud of’ would work? Or, at the least, adding ‘very’ before ‘proud’ to drag it out a bit?
Sounds like you’re still talking about Shuqiao. Are you? I didn’t think so…
I got confused here, because I couldn’t see it. It all goes back to the atmosphere – set it up a bit. Is that the only car on the road? Are there people around? (Most will be covered at the opening, since you can see the road from the steps.)
So she was hit by a car? Where was she pulled into? Where’d the subs come from – the car? (Van?)
I think you missed a word in the last sentence? And what's he have to do with it - does she just blame everything on him?
Overall Comments
There’s one thing that I forgot to mention in my critique of the first part: names.
Why are most of them really hard to pronounce? (So hard that I just call them S, A, etc?) And why is there also a plain old Zoe in there?
Yet again, you confuse me, Sam. I think a lot of it will clear up when the atmosphere is cleared up, though. And this one’s a lot easier to follow the other, except when she goes into the road.
But your characters are still flawless. They obviously have a history together, and you showed that even though we just met them. They have perfect dialogue. They’re original. The only thing is, I can’t place their age. I’d say late teens or early twenties. I just can’t decide because I don’t know if teens did this speech stuff, but if they did, then I’d definitely say late teens.
Overall, better than the last one, but I still need to see the place to clear it up.
PM me for anything at all! Including more work to critique – I owe you more than you could imagine, Sam.
~JFW1415
Hey Sam!
Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = words/phrases/sentense that I've inserted that I think sound better.
Let's get this party started!
Overall Comments:
I loved it! You definitley have a way with language. It was awesome
Watch out for your runon sentences. They can get confusing. I pointed most of them out but if you read through it maybe you'll be able to find the others. Runon sentences can mess up even the most beautifully worded phrases so just watch out for them. Split up your ideas, make what you're trying to say clearer and you're good to go!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!