A vivid dream

Hi there!

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you...I've been taking and studying for AP tests Now, for my review:

First for the goods. I loved your ideas that you've got going! It's very creative and unique to me. I also very much enjoyed the use of the colors as a motif that you kept using for the entirety. Good consistency. And you use good imagery, which is one of my favorite things to read in a story and/or poem

Now for the critique: Your structure needs work if you want this to be a poem. I agree with some of the other reviewers on that. It reads more like a paragraph. This one is just more nitpicky, but your spacing is awkward in here. That's just me and my very poor vision struggling and completely optional to changing. If you set it up in stanzas you will have a much easier time having readers actually get through it.

All in all this is mostly structural to me. You've got a creative mind and I'm eager to see more of your work Keep up the writing!

Cheers,
Luxe

To be honest i like it terms of creativity but in terms of structure it couldve been worked a bit more thus i am part of the layout/structure/stanza bandwagon but nonetheless i enjoyed it. :]

A comment as requested! I think you have potential, but don't seem to have much training. Unless this is a completely different style of poetry than what we normally think of (a perfectly reasonable possibility as well), I agree with the others. There should be a lot more formatting work done with this.

That being said, it's still got a very good start, in my opinion. I can see your ideas and where they should go, but they just are not fully formed yet. With a lot of work, I believe you could get this to be pretty darn good. I agree with Exception's stanza-ing, so that's a start. Then, after that, you can change some of the wording and phrasing so that the exciting imagery you have in your mind can come more to life. Then, some extra touch-ups and voila! There you go. I strongly encourage you to try editing it; it has potential and you should try your best to make it show through.

So yeah! Needs a lot of careful editing, both in content and form. But you can get it there. Keep writing!

~Sapi

Well, it seemed more like a paragraph than a poem. Moreover, it seems confusing. You should divide this into stanzas. That would make it more interesting to read.

Hi there Roxy here as requested!

I think that you need to work on the form of this poem a bit, its quite distracting to read through!

I think the idea you have here of the pianter and god is a good concept! The formation of all things good and evil, I like it! I like the uses of the colours as well!

I feel like just as I was getting into this piece it had finished, I think that you could add a little something more to give it a bit more umph!

Over all I thought that it was an interesting piece, I just think that you need to fix up the structure and a few other things to make it even better!

Good Job!
Keep on writting!

Hey, thanks for your review of my work! I'm here to return the favour.

This seems interesting, but confusing. I'm no expert of poetry, but I feel like it needs structure. Also, I'm not sure what it's about. Creation? Artistry?

And I'm assuming that the strange spacing with the punctuation is just a formatting error on YWS's part, because it seems aimless.

I like your style!

You asked me to review so I am. Yay!

Whe I first read tis, I'll be honest with you, I was not enthused by this. It didn't excite me, it didn't scare me. I had no emotions whatsoever reading this. I know you wanted this to be very emotional, I could tell, but I just couldn't feel anything at all.

The whole thing with the colors was a bit not understandable. The whole 'short story' was conjummbled in a weird way. i didn't understand what was going on.

I think this should've been in verse format by the way, like the other writers said. i agree with what they said fully, everything. The way you wrote it made no sense... and the spaces between the punctuation isn't good either.

I hate being so cruel but, I'm not going to lie. I'm so, so sorry.

Keep Writing! You're good, but this wasn't your best. PM me for anyything.

-Nike

I agree with what Kuyerjudd said. This definitely needs verse format. You really should put this in verses, because your readers will have trouble reading something crammed together. Moving on, this poem really twists with your thoughts. I loved the focus on different colors, slowly getting darker and more dreadful as the dream went on, then at the end climaxing and turning into a terrifying nightmare. The way your poem goes I can just imagine someone writhing and fidgeting in their bed at night. I really like this, and the imagery is really good. If this was in a more, how do you say, neat way, I would give this a 5/5. But seeing it right now, I'll still give it a 5/5! Great piece here!

I'm pretty sure you had meant this to be in verse format and not in a sort of prose poem form, given that there are odd spaces in between punctuation marks. But it surprisingly works as a prose poem. (Admittedly, WelcomingException's verse reposting of this works better, but still!)

Dreams are often cryptic no matter how vivid they are. When we wake up from one, we often think it's the supernatural trying to communicate something to us. Then we try to decode it. Spend months, years trying to uncover the significance of colors in that dream. It is in our nature as humans. Sometimes we end up running into "BLACK," yes, in our search for answers. I thought you rendered that quite well here. (At least that's my working interpretation of it.)

The imagery and flow of thought are either good as is (in that dreams flow much in the same way) or could do with a bit of tweaking (if you want a more vivid rendition of the dream).

I do appreciate the color assignments here and their symbolism; and how your speaker slowly spirals into insanity, the fixation toward uncertainty.

Okay, just a quick comment . . . I agree with Exception! In every way.

That part about 'BLACK' really freaked me out . . ..

The spacing is very odd. Here is what I would do.

A lady singing inside my head.
Absurdity at its best!
In a WHITE void!

In an incomplete thought,
In an empty canvas, (On?)
In the world before God started interfering.
In the Purest form of all .

Then Others started joining the world .
YELLOW,
BLUE,
GOLDEN
and the thought was in process,
painter started playing with his colors,
God started experimenting.
Breathing inside a large painting that is coming to life,
living in a thought in someone's mind,
present at the moment of creation!

Who's thought is it but?
Who is the governor
of the flow of these colors
that came dancing their way around out of everywhere

I wonder?
The uncertainty fascinates me!
Everything has to end at some point
and the uncertainty
and fascination of mine did when I saw a figure rising in front me.
RED
was forming a horrifying figure!

At the top
BLACK
joined in to give it a shade of a shadow!
Perfect portrayal of the devil.
Right there my thoughts sprang out of my control
like my mind was not my own anymore .
It started processing thing on its own!
An unnecessary emotion
of fear rose inside me and I ran .
I ran into BLACK ,
the horrifying never ending darkness.

Just a small thought. It makes it easier to read and more clear. More empashise, where you want it.

The poem is very intruging but a bit unclear. You will want to work on the imagery.

Hope this helps!

I would love some reviews on these works if you have time!
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