Lost for Words chapter 1- A knock to the head

i have decided to write this story in different sections, because i don't really have any idea when it is going to end, and so to bore you, i will write in relatively short sections , thank you :D

Sally

xxx

The rain made its way slowly down the clouded glass, leaving streamlets of water in its wake. The slate patio was already flooded with at least ten inches of minature sea. Many of the people of the planet

Aquarius-4 would be huddled inside, watching the rain with dull, lifeless eyes and down-turned mouths, as the people of Aquarius-4 only lived for the sun on their skins, and entered deep states of mental depression whenever it reained. But one man was not so.

He went by the name of Zephyr, and his one hobby was to sit outside, getting completely drenched (or in one case nearly drowning) by the downpour. He was in love with the soft, refreshing feeling of the droplets on his skin. He, unlike the others on the planet had been born warm-blooded. No-body knew, not even himself, but February was always like that.

At this particular occasion, Zephyr was singing an aria with a soggy grey-bird, his lungs belting out un-musical notes at the top of his voice, the bird whistling along in the most unenthusiastic manner.

It was only when he stopped to ask the bird what was troubling him that he noticed the man standing at the other end of his sodden garden. The man had long black hair tied back over his shoulder, and seemed not any older than twentytwo. But hat really puzzled Zephyr was that he wasn't wet.

"Bloody hell! You aren't wet! Jesus Christ! How on Earth do you do it?" he puzzled, scaring the bird away with violent gestures, the man did not answer, so Zephyr walked right up to him, looking around for some sort of invisible umbrella,

"You aren't wet my man, how on earth do you manage it?"The mand's lips twitched into a smile of the very worst kind. the kind of smile that doesn't welcome you in the least, the kind of smile that makes you want to run very, very far away,

"Why don;t you come with me, Zephyr, and i will show you..."

"How do you know my name?" Zephyr spun round to se another young man, blonde this time, standing with the same uninviting smile etched on his stony features.

His head whirled like a spiral, stars dancing infront of his eyes. as he fell to theground, he swore in outrage as he realised that he had been knocked out.

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VioletSunrise
Review

First off, good start!

Your main problem was that there were quite a few grammar mistakes. Try slowing down next time.

Though many of the people of the planet
Aquarius-4 would be huddled inside, watching the rain with dull, lifeless eyes and down-turned mouths, one man was not so.


^^This sentence confused me quite a bit. Even after reading it and reading it, I still can't quite understand it. Maybe that's just me being my blonde self, but I don't know.

Also, it seemed very soon for him to be kidnapped, or whatever. We had just met him, and all the sudden, the action is at a high level. This is a mistake I have made multiple times. One way to avoid that is giving perhaps more information on your main character, let us get to know him.

He went by the name of Zephyr, and his one hobby was to sit outside, getting completely drenched (or in one case nearly drowning) by the downpour.


^^My main question with this is why does he enjoy getting wet? Why is this his only hobby? Give more detail about this, maybe even describing how the rain feels on his skin, etc.

Overall, this is very intriguing. Please, PM me when you update on it!

Random avatar
SallySparrow
Comment

sorry about the mistakes, it's just when i write a story i write really fast, and sometimes i miss out things
:lol: it is just the first chapter,
sally :)

User avatar
Blue Fairy
Review

hi
welcome to YWS. :D

Is the first part of the first chapter or is this the whole of it?
any way which ever one it is I thought it was a really good start. the only things I noticed was-

twentytwo
twenty two- two different words or with a dash between.

But hat really


I think you mean what instead of hat.

The mand's lips


the man's lips

as he fell to theground, he swore in outrage as he realised that he had been knocked out.


the A on 'as' needs to be a capital.
seperate the words the and ground.
the last bit confused me- how do you swear when you've been knocked out?

other then that the rest of the grammer and punctuation is good.
well done soon far :D

Fairy



The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec