Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The griffin had always been Tiar’s favorite animal. It was his totem as well, which was why Chaos griffins were the most honored among the members of the Air Beast Division of the former Distroya’s armies in Yut. And Tiar had now killed one of that Division’s precious members to save the life of perhaps the biggest pest among the herkleri rebels.
Needles to say, that prompted a response from the other Chaos griffins around, especially the one that had welcomed the Viktar when he had reached the outpost.
‘-Master, why did you do that?! What did he do to displease you so?!!’
‘-Forget that! Did you see how he killed him?! That was Order energy! Master Tiar couldn’t possibly use Order energy! This is a trap laid by the enemy!!’
As the lion-eagle hybrids infused with chaotic energy charged at Tiar, there wasn’t any more time left to think on his actions. But in retrospect, even if they had not attacked him, his response would’ve still been the same. Their fate had been sealed the moment he saw them as enemies.
Each griffin blew out concentrated rays of orange flames with a blood-red tinge to them, Tiar figuring out they would mix some of their steel-hard feathers with those flames to use as organic bullets. He had seen these warriors fight many times and knew their tactics all too well. What surprised him was how cold he had suddenly turned toward his subordinates. They now seemed as nothing more than another set of targets whose strategy needed to be uncovered and whose demise then needed to be ensured.
That demise came shortly after they launched their combined attack, the Viktar managing to move very fast between the fire rays and the feathers hidden in them and consecutively pass through each and every of the twenty-or-so enemies. He clad his hands in Order energy, making blades of that energy come out of the back of his hands in the four cardinal directions, those blades starting to spin. The quicker they spun, the more they resembled cutting disks, those disks being used to cut up each Chaos griffin.
Being the intelligent higher being that he was, however, Tiar didn’t just cut his targets, but also ran that same energy with a restructuring effect from earlier across their bodies with each cut. Once that energy had taken hold of them, their master-turned-traitor simply had to give the command in his mind for the energy to expand the wounds that were already inflicted by him, ensuring the lion-eagle hybrids’ death. His opponents had not simply stood idly by as they were slaughtered, however.
They had alerted their comrades back at the outpost, all those griffins coming to aid them now, numbering hundreds. Nothing Tiar couldn’t handle, of course, having taken additional action himself by throwing a couple of carefully aimed energy disks at the chained-up herkleri to cut their chains to pieces without hurting them. The freed rebels couldn’t do much in their present condition, but could at least protect the child prince and also serve as a distraction for the griffins while he eliminated the remainder of their forces.
Having committed to not wasting any more time on small fry than necessary, Tiar restructured his whole body to become a gigantic version of the cutting disks he had formed on his hands, cladding himself in more Order energy than ever. In response to that, the majority of the griffins of Chaos gathered together in one colossal lion-eagle hybrid made of two-colored feathers and flames, evidently having also decided to bring a swift end to the battle.
Their poor attempt to send a smaller force behind the Viktar’s back to recapture the herkleri proved completely futile as the disk he had transformed into moved with stunning speed to the smaller group and then to the larger one that had become a single monster. Both groups were cut up thousands of times before they could use any attacks, the restructuring energy run through their bodies finishing them off for good as the rebels’ savior landed in front of them.
While still feeling as shocked as the herkleri looked in the present, what Tiar said to them in that moment entirely due to instinct felt like the most truthful thing that had ever come out of his mouth.
‘-Now that these have been taken care of, would you like to help me annihilate all forces of Chaos in Yut and free your home?’
One of the rebels leapt at Tiar, swinging with a clenched fist to hit him in the face in the absence of any other weapon, stopping that attack being all too easy for the Viktar. Unlike with the Chaos griffins, however, he didn’t feel even the slightest aggression toward any of the herkleri around him.
Was it because these people had served Order before their home had been conquered by the forces of Chaos? If Tiar was now drawn to fight for the ones he had been the most determined to annihilate in the past, what was actually left of his old self? Was there anything left at all apart from his memories?
‘-If you’re planning to kill us, just end it already and save us the torment of having to deal with your mockery!!’ – roared the rebel whose attack Tiar had blocked.
‘-I don’t mean to kill you. I want to ally myself with you.’
The more he spoke, the more confused the Viktar became as each next word that came from his mouth made less sense to him than the previous one. He wondered how ridiculous he would sound by the end of the day.
The anger on the herkleri rebel’s face made way for an expression of mockery after what Tiar said.
‘-Ally yourself with us, will you? How do you imagine something like this happening? Because in case you’ve forgotten, you’re still in Yut. And the peoples of this dimension will never side with you, least of all us herkleri!’
‘-What if I was to say I’m the only chance you have to free yourselves from the villains that have plagued Yut for generations?’
The other rebels that had remained silent up to that point joined in the argument then.
‘-Coming from the leading villain that has plagued us the most?! We would say you’re lying! You just murdered your own men! You’re posing as a servant of Order! If anything else, you’ve just proven you’re even more depraved than we thought!!’
‘-All you’ve done here is probably a trick so you can fool us, give us some hope and then kill us in the most painful manner imaginable! That’s why we’d prefer you murdered us without further delay!!’
Tiar realized he was in the worst situation possible after hearing what the herkleri had to say. He couldn’t go back to the forces of Chaos after massacring everyone at this outpost and no one that had had any connection to Order in Yut would trust him due to all he had done in the past.
In short, the Viktar had doomed himself to eternal loneliness – a feeling he had never known. He had been raised in this very dimension along with many of the warriors he was to lead some day, growing up to fight alongside them to conquer Yut. He then celebrated his triumph with them and continued to rule over his domain with all those who had helped him claim it. They had always been together, the others loving and respecting him. Some had even worshipped the Griffin Slayer.
All of that had disappeared in a matter of minutes. Tiar even wondered then if anyone would ever love him again. Alongside these troubling thoughts, though, something else echoed in his mind even louder - the drive to help the herkleri free their home of any and all presence of Chaos. Despite what he had experienced, that will that burned within him had not diminished one bit.
Chaos had actually never held such a grip over him or at least it hadn’t felt like it. All he had done up to the point of becoming a Viktar had been motivated solely by his choices and wishes and no one else’s. He had in fact only dreamt of not having to answer to anyone when he had been younger and after having enjoyed centuries of undisputed control over Yut, he had returned to a state of submission.
This state was worse than any of the others he had endured, however. The more time passed, the more Tiar felt as if he was merely a witness to all he did and said, someone or something else controlling his body. A fine example of that were the attacks he had used against the griffins earlier. He had executed every single one of them purely by instinct in spite of the fact that some had a complex pattern – a highly unnatural combat behavior for him.
A part of the Viktar screamed this was wrong and yearned for freedom, but the hold of Order was more adamant than anything else he had ever felt. There seemed to be no chance to relieve himself of it, only the prospect of being further consumed by the Great Power among the Five he used to hate the most.
The Order champion could not continue contemplating such matters as due to his inner struggle taking his attention away from the herkleri they had become annoyed to a point where they started shouting at him again.
‘-Have you made up your mind about killing us already? Or are we free to leave?!’
‘-You won’t make it far in a place like this without me. Especially in your condition.’
‘-Well, staying with you is far more dangerous than being with any other Chaos-serving bastard in Yut, so we’ll take the risk of travelling without your company, whether here or anywhere else!’
Too much hate. They had too much hate in them. Tiar could see in their eyes what he felt for the Chaos griffins as he killed them, only multiplied a thousand times. As powerful as the Viktar was, he couldn’t overcome that hate. Or if he could, he wouldn’t know where to even start in this new body of his.
Any further attempts to convince the rebels to join him would only aggravate them further and make them attack, that possibly leading to Tiar hurting them, which could not be allowed to happen. In light of this realization, the Griffin Slayer resigned himself to leaving the herkleri on their own. But he had not abandoned the idea of helping them at least a bit before their separation.
‘-Let me at least heal you first. I know Order restructuring can be used for healing purposes as well. I’ll help you recover as much of your strength as I can so I don’t have to worry about you being alone out here in a weakened state.’
‘-Do you really believe we’ll let you use that pathetic excuse for Order energy on us?! It’s probably some special Chaos magic that you’ve masked as one fueled by Order just to further deceive us!!’
‘-Enough!’
Tiar was easily able to recognize whom that voice belonged to due to how different it sounded from those of all the other rebels. It was the boy prince, being carried in the arms of one of his guards now. Despite being the least formidable on all levels out of the entire rebel group, all the other guards bowed their heads and fell silent as soon as they heard him shout. Even now the herkleri royal power commanded this much respect – the main reason Tiar believed Chaos rule in Yut could actually be toppled.
‘-Apologies, my prince. We only meant to ensure your safety by not allowing this charlatan to lay a hand on you.’
‘-I am grateful for your efforts to protect me. (his gaze turned from his servants to the Griffin Slayer) And you … if you really wish to bring no harm to us, simply leave. Nothing could be more harmful to any herkleri or any yuti as a whole than being in your presence. That is how you will be the most useful to us.’
Tiar had nothing he could counter that with. So all he did was turn his back on the rebels and walk toward the remains of the outpost and what lay beyond. In the end it seemed he was doomed to wonder alone. And he would clearly have to face all the servants of Chaos in Yut by himself if he was to free the dimension from them.
His only comfort was that the coming battles held the possibility of finding a strong enough opponent to end his life, his solitude, his struggles and everything else.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed it's been in the green room for a while, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!
I thought this story was interesting! I went back and read your first chapter as well, just so I'd have more context for this one. I have to say, I was really surprised by the overall uniqueness of your work! I think your worldbuilding was nicely done and everything felt very original.
One thing I enjoyed was the freshness and originality in the plot. I'm honestly not sure who I'm supposed to be rooting for, which I thought was super interesting. I feel like that doesn't happen in a lot of stories. For once, I'm really not sure where this story is going to go. It almost feels like I need some context to this world, though, which is one downside. It feels like a sequel, in a way. Regardless, I think this is a really compelling plot you've got here, and Tiar is quite the original vessel to tell it through! I'm very curious to follow the story's pathway.
The one thing I would say is that it sometimes gets confusing when you alternate between "the Viktar" and "Tiar" for the same character. It feels unnecessary to me, and it also makes it harder to follow who's who. It's so much easier just to stick to Tiar, in my opinion, and much less confusing on the part of the reader.
I also thought your narration was a little hard to digest sometimes. It felt almost... removed from the story in a bit. Your more introspective parts were useful, but they weren't the most engaging. You also made this interesting choice where you sometimes go in to a type of prophetic narration where you talk about things that will happen, which I thought was a little strange. I was curious what your intentions were for those little bits throughout.
Specifics
For the most part, your punctuation and grammar were really on point, but this one I was confused by. Generally, you can just end dialogue when you interrupt it with action. Also, I think quotation marks are generally the accepted dialogue punctuation. So, properly punctuated, it should look something like this:
Overall: nice work! I think the concept of this story is really interesting, and I'm curious to see where you'll go with it! I'm happy to answer any questions you have about my review! Until next time!
Hello and thank you very much for the review!!!
I'm glad you don't know who to root for because I had always intended for this story to not have any black and white characters. Even the great forces in it will at times feel benevolent and at others %u2013 heartless or evil.
There's plenty of context to be provided about the place and time the story are taking place in, but I thought it may be too overwhelming to give too much of that right from the start. Instead more and more will be added as time passes and hopefully both the characters and the world will become more understandable and accessible for the reader.
The issue about switching between 'Tiar' and 'the Viktar' has risen with the other story I'm publishing here as well. Repetition is one of the things I hate most, especially in any form of text and I have always made it my task to avoid that as much as I can. If I read a story where a character's name is mentioned in every sentence, it will annoy me a great deal and could lead me to stop following that story altogether. Because no matter how beautifully written and engaging, if there're too many repetitions, they'll stand out too much to me and will impede my focus on the narrative itself.
Hence, I have though of a number of expressions referring to one or another characteristic of each of my characters to use as substitutes for their names. I always thought that once the reader learned who each substitute phrase pertains to, it will be easier for them to follow the story without having to deal with too many repetitions. I guess it doesn't work that way, though, so I'll reevaluate this concept and see how I'll go about the matter in the future. Using the character's name every time is something I won't likely do, though, because it bothers me too much.
The issues with the narration and the punctuation you mentioned stem from the same source, actually. I used to write scripts before starting this and my other story and I have been doing that for much, much longer than I have been writing real literature. I'm very used to writing stuff that are straight to the point: character speech %u2013 action %u2013 character speech with nothing in between. In short, only the essential things. Due to that, I'm not yet used to offering sufficient and proper descriptions about what the characters think/feel and tying those thoughts with their actions. The prophetic narration you mentioned is something I didn't quite understand. If it's about Tiar analyzing his enemies' strategy in this chapter, what he says are simply predictions about how the Chaos Griffins will act, not given facts of the future.
The use of dashes is something I'm already working on removing as I've seen now that's wrong. About the quotation marks used, I just refered to one of the books I have %u2013 Mark Lawrence's The Wheel of Osheim %u2013 and he writes quotations the same way I do. I've seen others write quotations the same way as well so I guess that isn't a problem.
Lastly, for putting text in brackets in the middle of dialogue. That again is a consequence of my screenwriting days. I'm just used to the idea that when a particular character's in focus, e.g. saying a longer chunk of text at once, their speech shouldn't be interrupted by actions, but instead both things should be infused as one. That's something I promise I'll remedy as soon as I can.
I quite enjoy Tiar as a character and can't wait to see how he develops. Your dialogue is snappy and I'm interested to see where this story goes. My only critique is I wouldn't use those brackets to describe the prince turning to speak to someone else. They could be removed entirely without affecting anything.
Thank you for the review!
I'll be sure to remove stuff like the one you commented on in future chapters. I just wanted to better separate character actions from the dialogue and apparently got carried away with that.