Everyone has fun while I'm just here
Just awaiting life while death feels so near
I can hear the sounds of my voice crying out each night
And everyday my depression reaches new heights
I try with all my might just not to give up
But the more I get going the more the going gets tough
This life is rough, man I know
With what I've gone through I don't have to be told
Why must this world be so cold?
Why must everyone you love grow old?
Love
Is that even really a thing?
With the way things have been going its hard to believe
I can't see the light at the end of this dark road
Is there even a light?
Darkness is all I see
It envelopes, surrounds, takes over me
Will there ever be anything
Anything other than bad that life brings?
I'll believe it when I see it if it ever finds me
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Depressing, but I'm a major fan of dark poetry. Overall I think this good
you can feel the emotion coming off of it, the sadness and tradigty the narrator has gone through. I'm not sure if I like the line "this life is rough, man I know" it almost sounds kind of slang I guess but that's just a personal opinion. and also towards the end of the poem you kind of stopped rhyming or you changed the rhyme which makes it awkward to read in some places .i loved the beginning but It could use some work towards the end,I think the concept and everything is really good! If you like dark poems you would probably like the one I wore titled "it's going to be okay.. That's all lies" check it out if you have time and good luck writing in the future !
Hello there, here to review.
This was a nice poem, but it was really depressing. It looks like you don't care about life anymore (I hope that's only the poem and not reality...). I liked a lot how you made the poem rhyme and how you structured some of your verses.
This is probably my favorite verse, and I don't know why.
However, there are some things that I find are not very good.
I actually don't understand this verse at all, so I can't really give you any suggestions on how to improve it. Also, I think this poem might be better if you put periods, but that is your choice. I also find that you did well by putting several questions in this poem, because life is incomprehensible. I don't seem to find any spelling or grammar mistakes.
That's all I have to say, the rest is very good! Congratulations and keep writing.
-Alfonso
Thank you for the help^___^ Also, the line that you pointed out was meant to have the word life rather than like. I mustn't have caught that when I went over it.
Hello Salem. Cheetah here to review your poem.
This was so emotional. You're a truly fantastic poet. The most emotional line, I think, is here:
Wow, this was powerful. In this line alone, you clearly expressed sadness, hopelessness, and the feeling that you've been forgotten. Amazing.
The one thing I saw was in this line:
[quote]Though like is rough, man I know[quote]
I believe by 'like' you meant 'life'.
That's it! I'm grateful for the privilege of reading such an amazing piece. Well done!
Thank you so much :3 I will go change that line really quickly. I didn't even notice it xD
wow. This is so deep. It does seem a little depressing, but I like it. There is so muich absolute emotion radiating from it. I could feel myself in the shoes. It makes you see the real life these days, how tough it is going to be. And when you ended saying that you would believe it whwen you see it if it ever finds you, I loved it. It had an absolutly astounding dramatic effect. Very well done. I am very much impressed. I hope to see more soon.
Thank you
I'm working on a new piece now. Hopefully it will be up by tonight!