Published December 19, 2011
Little , that I have got ,to share
Nothing to lose, of the thought lion’s share .
In the midst of everyone , I am no where
I want to hold my hand
And run away to far away land
The urge inside me , excuses itself for a chuckle.
The “hand” , which I called mine
Is already in someone else’s knuckle.
The stardom took away the star inside me
Bright light of stalking cameras
Took with itself the light of me
Some ask to pen down the success story
How to say , I miss the myself of me
A sudden gush of air fills me with nauseaness
How I had longed for this day
My hunger for success , has now turned to starvation
I have got plenty, yet nothing for me.
People stare at this perfection
Rather of sympathizing on my condition
Am living, for the sake of living
Just to fight of another day
Moving amidst of people, I have last myself into them
Looking down the champagne’s aura
How deep it is, how dense it is
That I drank myself into it.
Alienated from myself ,since the day
I sold million copies of my book
“A rose , is a rose” ,
Having not regained myself today
With the book I withered away
I feel robbed by a sophisticated crook
Counting on my peace, contentment
Among others, on list of robbed items.
Only to be met
By a cloud, not having a silver lining
I feel blinded, with all the glitter around me
Darting a glance around, for an unattended guest
My eyes meet upon with twinkling eyes
Unable to recognize the familiar conscience
I rush across the well-lit hallway for that
Dark silhouettes with twinkling eyes.
Apologizing profusely, I look confused in his eyes
A smile by which I haven’t been met since
A twinkle in eyes and bubbling energy
Hunger in eyes and passion in mind
Aah! It’s me , left far behind in this stray,
My success story.
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140,936 Literary Works • 673,759 Reviews
thanks a lot to you all,,,do review for my other works too...
Hi there, Sakshi! First off, welcome to YWS. Hope you enjoy it here.
Don't worry. People will review it. Give it sometime.Also,
Now, I'll have to agree with JustDance. Your rhymes are very forced. I used to have that problem too, but then, you just got to learn to let it go. Rhyming isn't necessary in a poem. If you think a poem must rhyme, then your wrong.
Wrong use of punctuation here. No punctuation mark is needed there, actually.
Now I'm really confused with this paragraph. "Loneliness kills pain" I thought otherwise. Doesn't loneliness increase pain?
Also, you missed out some words, like "Are" and "Is". I've added them in blue.
THOUGH- this poem wasn't bad, actually. I was just being really nitpicky. My favourite stanza was this one:
You are really good with yours words. You've got potential, as JustDance said. You just need a little brushing up to do, and this poem will be really, really good.
Keep it up, and I'm sorry if I was rude. Feel free to PM me, if you need to know anything, or would just like to talk.
-TwistedMuffins~
You had no punctuations. I've added them in red.
Hi there Sakshi! This is going to be a quick review, just placing emphasis on some factors you need to work on.
First off, make sure you use proper punctuation and capitalization. Even if it is a poem, you want to keep it clean and easy to read. As writers, anything with lack of good punctuation or capitalization tends to scare us away!
Second, you don't always have to rhyme your poems! There's plenty of rhyme patterns to use, just don't force it. Let your words come naturally, it makes your writing so much more pleasing to read. If you really do want to stick with such a rhyming pattern, make sure it's easy to understand. Words shouldn't just be thrown onto a piece of paper, or in this case typed, just to make one's poem sound more "fluent". Make sure what you say fits in with the main idea of the poem.
Overall, it has a lot of potential. Clean up some of your words, and I think you'll be good to go! Feel free to PM me for any more reviews
WAITING FOR UR COMMENTS.....