I liked it, I was so thinking that she was smelling human blood as the most tempting. IT was the mince pies instead. LOL. Great job.
Disclaimer - This isn't a very long story and I do not plan on continuing it at all. All constructive criticism and nit-picks are greatly appreciated (I have a problem with awkward phrasing.) Also, the story is meant to be kind of dumb.
EDIT - Here's the edited version of this story, again, I truly appreciate all of your helpful reviews!
Columns of smoke rose out of London’s busy cafes and shops. Crowds of people filled the streets as they prepared themselves and their families for Christmas. Anna’s eyes boggled at the very sight of the throngs of humans passing by her – this was her first time roaming out in public near Christmas time. The sights and the sounds overwhelmed her acute senses; she barely heard her aunt sniff in disdain and mumble something incoherent under her breath.
“Anna, look at me,” her aunt said in a low voice, catching her attention. “Be careful and don’t mingle for too long. Once you buy the wreaths, wait for me at this spot.” She eyed the city stiffly, her lips closed tightly in a thin line.
Anna nodded carefully while struggling to keep her excitement down to a more rational level. She had to remind herself of the dangers of a vampire traveling through human territory. Her everlasting blood lust would endanger any nearby human that would dare to stick around her for too long. Back at the academy, she was forced to take a course called “Human Health” and her professors repeatedly reminded her about the fragile structure of the human being. Even so, it was wonderful to escape the stuffy halls of the academy and explore this alien, snow infested world which she had only dreamed about before.
Anna pushed her short, wavy hair out of her eyes and continued her venture through the streets. A chorus of bells producing a series of pure, beautiful notes calmed her frazzled nerves. Intricately weaved snow flakes slowly floated down from the hazy white sky.
As she marveled at the perfection of each of the flake’s small details in startling clarity, she heard a loud thud from behind her. She gave a gasp of surprise as her eyes beheld to her yet another new sight – a boy about the age of eighteen with raven-colored locks and blue eyes was sprawled across her feet.
“Are you alright?” Anna asked in a panicked tone, offering him her deathly pale hand. He declined and quickly composed himself, looking flushed as he turned his gaze to her own.
“Y-yes, thank you,” he replied with a shy politeness that fascinated Anna. She hadn’t met very many humans in her lifetime, but he had very pleasing facial features that differed from other human faces she had seen so far. She became flustered as all of the rules of proper etiquette escaped her mind.
“Are you new around here?” he asked.
“Yes, I’ve never been to London before,” she replied. Well, not the human parts of the city, anyway she thought humorlessly. “Do you know where I could find a shop that sells wreaths?”
“Yes, I can lead you down to an excellent shop that’s just around the corner.” he replied eagerly. Her old excitement flared up again and she skipped lightly down the sidewalk both arms swinging wildly.
“What’s your name?” he asked as the throngs around them both started to increase in size.
“Anna. Yours?” she had to raise her voice through the loud chatter.
“Michael.”
As they turned the destined corner, Anna stopped dead in her feet in sluggish alarm. The thick haze that had masked any scents had finally faded away. A strong scent filled her mind with lust and slowly robbed her of any sanity that she had owned. Her sense of logic and reason shut down and her predatory skills now took control of her every movement. A dry ache left her throat parched and screaming for long-awaited nutrients that Anna had held at bay for so long now.
The last wisps of her sanity feebly warned her of the most important rule of the Academy – it was one so important that even breaking it once among her pacifist kind would mean immediate death. Ignoring Michael, her primitive thirst led her into a tightly packed store. She used her delicate sense of smell to distinguish the ordinary scents from her best choice of prey. Her fangs protruded from her lips and she grinned widely once she discovered the location of the sweetest scent in the whole store.
“Mince pies.” she sighed hungrily, staring at the batch of meat-filled pies in front of her.
**If you are wondering about the whole "immediate death rule breaking", I made up a vampire myth that human food is like poison to vampires, teehee.
I liked it, I was so thinking that she was smelling human blood as the most tempting. IT was the mince pies instead. LOL. Great job.
Thank you for your review, I will definitely take your comments into deep consideration.
I have read Twilight and yes, I will probably fix it so the story isn't another cliched rip-off of Twilight.
Columns of smoke rose out of London’s busy cafes and shops. Crowds of people filled the streets as they prepared themselves and their families for Christmas. Anna’s eyes boggled at the very sight of the throngs of humans passing by her – this was her first time roaming out in public near Christmas time. The sights and the sounds overwhelmed [s]Anna’s[/s] her acute senses; she barely heard her aunt sniff in disdain and mumble something incoherent under her breath.
“Anna, look at me,” her aunt said in a low voice, catching her attention. “Be careful and don’t mingle for too long. Once you buy the wreaths, [s]immediately[/s] wait for me at this spot.” Her stiff posture gave away her distaste of the city around her. There are better ways to display this information. Show, don't tell. Show that she doesn't like the city. Maybe "She eyed the city stiffly, her lips closed tightly in a thin line." or something like that.
Anna nodded carefully while struggling to keep her excitement down to a more rational level. She had to remind herself of the dangers of a vampire traveling through human territory. Her preternatural strength and her heightened senses were no match against a human being. Super strenth? Heightened senses? You haven't happened to have read Twilight, by any chance? Back at the academy, she was forced to take a course called “Human Health” and her professors repeatedly reminded her about the fragile structure of the human being. Even so, it was wonderful to escape the stuffy halls of the academy and explore this alien, snow infested world which she had only dreamed about before.
Anna pushed her short, wavy hair out of her eyes and continued her venture through the streets. A loud whinny came from a horse strapped to an old-fashioned carriage and threatened to knock her over. Frightened, she automatically gave a low hiss and quickened her pace. Being nearly knocked over by a horse is something rather, um, dramatic. I don't feel any drama. Not even the tiniest bit.
New paragraph:
A chorus of bells [s]which[/s] producing a series of pure, beautiful notes calmed her frazzled nerves. Intricately weaved snow flakes slowly floated down from the hazy white sky.
...
“Y-yes, thank you,” he replied with a shy politeness that fascinated Anna. She hadn’t met very many humans in her lifetime, but she immediately considered him to be more beautiful than any other human face she had seen all day. His beauty intimidated her – all the rules of proper etiquette escaped her mind and left her gaping at him with a dumbfounded expression. This isn't a very good paragraph. "Beauty" is not often used to describe the male human nowadays, unless you're Stephanie Meyer talking about Edward Cullen. It just doesn't make much sense. You could say it better. I'm not really sure how to explain this properly.
...
“Yes, [s]I have nothing better to do, so[/s] I can lead you down to an excellent shop that’s just around the corner.” he replied eagerly. Her old excitement flared up again and she skipped lightly down the sidewalk [s]with[/s] both [s]of her[/s] arms swinging wildly.
“What’s your name?” he asked as the throngs around them both started to increase in size.
“Anna. Yours?” she had to raise her voice through the loud chatter.
...
[quote]Columns of smoke rose out of London’s busy cafes and shops. Crowds of people filled the streets as they prepared themselves and their families for Christmas. Anna’s eyes boggled at the very sight of the throngs of humans passing by her – this was her first time roaming out in public near Christmas time. The sights and the sounds overwhelmed [s]Anna’s[/s] her acute senses; she barely heard her aunt sniff in disdain and mumble something incoherent under her breath.
“Anna, look at me,” her aunt said in a low voice, catching her attention. “Be careful and don’t mingle for too long. Once you buy the wreaths, [s]immediately[/s] wait for me at this spot.” Her stiff posture gave away her distaste of the city around her. There are better ways to display this information. Show, don't tell. Show that she doesn't like the city. Maybe "She eyed the city stiffly, her lips closed tightly in a thin line." or something like that.
Anna nodded carefully while struggling to keep her excitement down to a more rational level. She had to remind herself of the dangers of a vampire traveling through human territory. Her preternatural strength and her heightened senses were no match against a human being. Super strenth? Heightened senses? You haven't happened to have read Twilight, by and chance? Back at the academy, she was forced to take a course called “Human Health” and her professors repeatedly reminded her about the fragile structure of the human being. Even so, it was wonderful to escape the stuffy halls of the academy and explore this alien, snow infested world which she had only dreamed about before.
Anna pushed her short, wavy hair out of her eyes and continued her venture through the streets. A loud whinny came from a horse strapped to an old-fashioned carriage and threatened to knock her over. Frightened, she automatically gave a low hiss and quickened her pace. A chorus of bells which produced a series of pure, beautiful notes calmed her frazzled nerves. Intricately weaved snow flakes slowly floated down from the hazy white sky.
As she marveled at the perfection of each of the flake’s small details in startling clarity, she heard a loud thud from behind her. She gave a gasp of surprise as her eyes beheld to her yet another new sight – a boy about the age of eighteen with raven-colored locks and blue eyes was sprawled across her feet.
“Are you alright?” Anna asked in a panicked tone, offering him her deathly pale hand. He declined and quickly composed himself, looking flushed as he turned his gaze to her own.
“Y-yes, thank you,” he replied with a shy politeness that fascinated Anna. She hadn’t met very many humans in her lifetime, but she immediately considered him to be more beautiful than any other human face she had seen all day. His beauty intimidated her – all the rules of proper etiquette escaped her mind and left her gaping at him with a dumbfounded expression.
“Are you new around here?” he asked.
“Yes, I’ve never been to London before,” she replied. Well, not the human parts of the city, anyway she thought humorlessly. “Do you know where I could find a shop that sells wreaths?”
“Yes, I have nothing better to do, so I can lead you down to an excellent shop that’s just around the corner.” he replied eagerly. Her old excitement flared up again and she lightly skipped down the sidewalk with both of her arms swinging wildly.
“What’s your name?” he asked as the throngs around them both started to increase in size.
“Anna, yours?” she had to raise her voice through the loud chatter.
“Michael.”
As they turned the destined corner, Anna stopped dead in her feet in sluggish alarm. The thick haze that had masked any scents had finally faded away. A strong scent filled her mind with lust and slowly robbed her of any sanity that she had owned. Her sense of logic and reason shut down and her predatory skills now took control of her every movement. A dry ache left her throat parched and screaming for long-awaited nutrients that Anna had held at bay for so long now.
The last wisps of her sanity feebly warned her of the most important rule of the Academy – it was one so important that even breaking it once among her pacifist kind would mean immediate death. Ignoring Michael, her primitive thirst led her into a tightly packed store. She used her delicate sense of smell to distinguish the ordinary scents from her best choice of prey. Her fangs protruded from her lips and she grinned widely once she discovered the location of the sweetest scent in the whole store.
“Mince pies.” she sighed hungrily, staring at the batch of meat-filled pies in front of her.
[quote]Columns of smoke rose out of London’s busy cafes and shops. Crowds of people filled the streets as they prepared themselves and their families for Christmas. Anna’s eyes boggled at the very sight of the throngs of humans passing by her – this was her first time roaming out in public near Christmas time. The sights and the sounds overwhelmed [s]Anna’s[/s] her acute senses; she barely heard her aunt sniff in disdain and mumble something incoherent under her breath.
“Anna, look at me,” her aunt said in a low voice, catching her attention. “Be careful and don’t mingle for too long. Once you buy the wreaths, [s]immediately[/s] wait for me at this spot.” Her stiff posture gave away her distaste of the city around her. There are better ways to display this information. Show, don't tell. Show that she doesn't like the city. Maybe "She eyed the city stiffly, her lips closed tightly in a thin line." or something like that.
Anna nodded carefully while struggling to keep her excitement down to a more rational level. She had to remind herself of the dangers of a vampire traveling through human territory. Her preternatural strength and her heightened senses were no match against a human being. Super strenth? Heightened senses? You haven't happened to have read Twilight, by and chance? Back at the academy, she was forced to take a course called “Human Health” and her professors repeatedly reminded her about the fragile structure of the human being. Even so, it was wonderful to escape the stuffy halls of the academy and explore this alien, snow infested world which she had only dreamed about before.
Anna pushed her short, wavy hair out of her eyes and continued her venture through the streets. A loud whinny came from a horse strapped to an old-fashioned carriage and threatened to knock her over. Frightened, she automatically gave a low hiss and quickened her pace. A chorus of bells which produced a series of pure, beautiful notes calmed her frazzled nerves. Intricately weaved snow flakes slowly floated down from the hazy white sky.
As she marveled at the perfection of each of the flake’s small details in startling clarity, she heard a loud thud from behind her. She gave a gasp of surprise as her eyes beheld to her yet another new sight – a boy about the age of eighteen with raven-colored locks and blue eyes was sprawled across her feet.
“Are you alright?” Anna asked in a panicked tone, offering him her deathly pale hand. He declined and quickly composed himself, looking flushed as he turned his gaze to her own.
“Y-yes, thank you,” he replied with a shy politeness that fascinated Anna. She hadn’t met very many humans in her lifetime, but she immediately considered him to be more beautiful than any other human face she had seen all day. His beauty intimidated her – all the rules of proper etiquette escaped her mind and left her gaping at him with a dumbfounded expression.
“Are you new around here?” he asked.
“Yes, I’ve never been to London before,” she replied. Well, not the human parts of the city, anyway she thought humorlessly. “Do you know where I could find a shop that sells wreaths?”
“Yes, I have nothing better to do, so I can lead you down to an excellent shop that’s just around the corner.” he replied eagerly. Her old excitement flared up again and she lightly skipped down the sidewalk with both of her arms swinging wildly.
“What’s your name?” he asked as the throngs around them both started to increase in size.
“Anna, yours?” she had to raise her voice through the loud chatter.
“Michael.”
As they turned the destined corner, Anna stopped dead in her feet in sluggish alarm. The thick haze that had masked any scents had finally faded away. A strong scent filled her mind with lust and slowly robbed her of any sanity that she had owned. Her sense of logic and reason shut down and her predatory skills now took control of her every movement. A dry ache left her throat parched and screaming for long-awaited nutrients that Anna had held at bay for so long now.
The last wisps of her sanity feebly warned her of the most important rule of the Academy – it was one so important that even breaking it once among her pacifist kind would mean immediate death. Ignoring Michael, her primitive thirst led her into a tightly packed store. She used her delicate sense of smell to distinguish the ordinary scents from her best choice of prey. Her fangs protruded from her lips and she grinned widely once she discovered the location of the sweetest scent in the whole store.
“Mince pies.” she sighed hungrily, staring at the batch of meat-filled pies in front of her.
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