Each time I try, I fall
Each time I stand, I leap.
But when the time comes will you stand for me?
In front of people, we are bizarre
different in souls
When you seek me out alone
we meet and join in one
dancing, laughing to a nameless tune.
I know I should go another road
but it is hard to go-
you can give me what I want
and isn't that enough?
My only problem is- will you give it?
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Hey, there, SailerGirl! FireFox here to review on behalf of the Apple Dumpling Gang!
Alright, so I have to admit that I am a tad bit confused as to the focus of the poem but, then again, I am not a poetry person. To me, it sounds almost religious, but I have a feeling that that isn't the path you were trying to take with this one. I like the repetition in the first two lines. I feel that if you extended this poem more, your readers would be able to understand the focal point a lot better.
-FireFox
Hey there SailerGirl.
I have to say I really liked this poem. It has great impact and illustration. It's a love poem, but not too mushy. Great work!
BiancaLU
Thank you!!! Those both really mean a lot to me!
A clean straight forward thought, where you managed to get it right into the reader. I like the way how u dint bother much on the rhyme scheme and concentrated more on the content.
My favourite:
When u seek me out alone
We meet and join in one
Dancing laughing to a nameless tune.
Guess, to me the last line dint have much of an impact."and isn't that enough", would have worked for me.
-Usero
Hey, dbrick here for a review! I had to read this poem several times through and really think about it (this is not a bad thing). The first two lines where really significant. They tell the story (just in those two lines!) of somebody who is fearless; when she tries, she falls and then when she finally stands she risks it all and makes the leap. I also like that you wrote about these two people who seemed to not care what other people thought, and they can find some relief (from other people) by being together. But, what I don't get, is why must she go another road? It sounds like she must leave her companion who she has found some refuge in. I liked the structure and word use. Your use of capitalization is very good; it breaks up the writing into chunks (almost like chapters, paragraphs, etc.) that hold different thoughts or actions.