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A Tanka I wrote for my girlfriend

by Sai9

Your star like beauty

Shining with celestial

brilliance, I am

enveloped in your shimmer

sleep at day loving at night

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259 Reviews

Points: 1815
Reviews: 259

Sat Dec 05, 2020 4:32 am
silented1 says...

Your star like beauty This is really efficient. Good job.

Shining with celestial Celestial means nothing, try to change that.

brilliance, I am

enveloped in your shimmer You could definitely make this an image.

sleep at day loving at night Good closer.

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10 Reviews

Points: 828
Reviews: 10

Thu Dec 03, 2020 5:57 am
woodpecker wrote a review...

hii Sai, the poem is very specific ,concentrated on her heavenly beauty. you gave a twist by writing the last line....ironic . your word choice is wonderful. the way you expressessed in very less word i think would have been hard for
you took her beauty to next step.. by compairing her beauty to star.
i hope to read a tanka written by her to you...

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45 Reviews

Points: 66
Reviews: 45

Wed Dec 02, 2020 10:35 pm
Buranko wrote a review...

Hehe this is such a sweet poem. Even if you wouldn't have mentioned the fact that it's for your girlfriend I would have still found the atmosphere of it very intimate. I'm a huge japanese poetry fan so when I saw Tanka I clicked instantly.

I had some trouble understanding the first line because of the space between star and like. Once I did everything became cooler. The ideas that stand out the most in this poem is that passion and love feels best at night. Here the couple uses the celestial sphere as a protective space for their love. During the night peace and quiet embrace the Earth, everything feels mysterious and serene, thus making it the perfect time for love.

Great work, loved reading it and welcome to YWS!

Buranko says...

I asked my girlfriend to do this with me too but she refused sadge

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25 Reviews

Points: 13351
Reviews: 25

Tue Dec 01, 2020 9:49 am
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...

Hi there, hope ur having a wonderful day, or night, or evening !

This tanka is really beautiful, the word choice is stunning and really help emphasise on her star-like beauty, I'm not too sure what a tanka is, I think it has to do with structure and rhythm or something like that,
but even though the poem flows nicely, I feel like adding rhymes would really help the poem have a more impactful effect on the reader.
Again I'm not sure what a tanka is, so maybe it's part of the style, but the part where you cut the sentence in

"Shining with celestial

brilliance, I am"

It's a really beautiful touch, but adding it right after with

"enveloped in your shimmer",

which kinda felt overdid, as though you were trying a bit too hard to stay in line with the structure.
I also feel like the last sentence should rather be "sleeping at day loving at night",

But apart for these minor points, this poem is really stunning and I'm pretty jealous about your girlfriend to be honest <3

Sai9 says...

Thanks a lot! that makes sense I'll consider this when writing my next poems I really appreciate this!

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Points: 60
Reviews: 4

Tue Dec 01, 2020 4:07 am
Sai9 says...

So for a little explanation I believe a Tanka is a haiku type poem meant for courting in Japan where someone starts the first half (which this is) and the recipient finishes it. The last line by the way is a little tease because she stays up all night and wakes up at like noon or 3 in the afternoon. She says she didn't thing it was cringe but we'll never know for sure huh.

Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett