z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Home Sweet Home

by SageYay


"There she is!" I brushed a strand of brown hair out of my face, glancing to my right, to see a herd of classmates approaching. "Get her!" they yell. If I were to jump out of my tree now, I could make a dash for it and hopefully escape. I tuck my book into my satchel an jump out of the old oak tree. my bright blue eyes wide with terror. As usual, I veer left and attempt to hop the fence, but they're waiting for me."Now lets think rationally about this," I say nervously, "no need for physically violence." They seem to disagree with me, and close in. "There's nowhere to run now, Samantha." they say. " I go by Sam," I say, "and there is." I scale the fence again, but this time, I run to the other side of the park. Seeing as how they aren't as fast as me, I outrun them. I sprint out the gates, and back home.

When  I get there, my mom is waiting. "Crud," I mutter under my breath,"I'm really sorry I forgot about movie night, it won't happen again." She doesn't flinch. "Sam," she says loudly, "this is the last time you 'forget' about our family events, you're grounded! No more books, no more friends (as if), and no more park!" The last one really hits me. How could she do this to me! She knows that I have ADD, of course I got distracted! "I'm sick and tired of you attitude young lady, and if I had just given you away when I had the chance, life would be SO much easier!" I run up to my room passing my little sister Lacie and my younger brother Gabe on the way up. They don't understand, no one does.

Later that night, I start to rummage through my things. If i'm not wanted here, then I guess I'll just leave. I pack my suitcase, and head down the stairs. The front door opens, and I'm gone. I start for the park, but that's the first place they would look. I turn and run for the mountains. I heard that there were some abandoned houses there, and hopefully the rumors would be true. It took me the full night to trek that mountain before coming across any old cabins. When I did though, it was worth it.

There was an old cabin, in fairly good shape. It had obviously been abandoned a while back. There was no sign of life, but there was a bed. I placed my suitcase on the floor, and turned on the lights, which surprisingly still worked. I cleaned up my new house, and started to unpack my suitcase. I had brought about 3 months worth of food, but I still new were the key to our house was hidden. While putting my toiletries in the bathroom, I glanced in the mirror. My brown hair lay limp and tangled on my head. My bright blue eyes, once full of life, seemed dead. The freckles that were scattered across my face appeared to  be dirt. This might not be ideal, but it was better than home.

*3 years later*

I walked along the streets freely, knowing that having died my hair red, and gained a curved body, they would never recognize me. True, my job at Burger King hadn't held up, but it had gotten me this far. At the age of 15, I felt independent and free, and I had my drivers permit! I stopped inside a restroom to freshen up. I was the only one there, so I began to sing to myself.

Come on and let your true self shooow

I believe that you can glooooow

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I rushed outside and was stopped by a hand before I could leave. A wave of fear rushed over me, but then I realized that I had never seen this man before. "Can I help you?" I asked."I'm J.J. Wezz, the record dealer, was that you singing?" I blushed. "You heard that?" I asked. He smiled and nodded. "I would like to offer you a record deal, right here, right now. What do you say?" I was a bit skeptical of the strange man. "Umm... I don't really...I mean... I know who you are.... What?" I mumbled. This was NOT real. This was some stalker/pervert. A look of realization dawned on his face. "Oh! Right, you think I'm some stalker!" He smacked his forehead. "Here's proof that it's, like, really me." He pulled out his phone and flashed me pictures of him and Snoop Dog, Ke$ha, Justin Beiber, etc. etc. I smiled feverishly. "Here's my card, call me up when you've made your mind." I took the card from his outstretched arm, and shoved it into my pocket. I knew this marked the beginning of my new life.

*3 more years later*

After becoming the new hot thing, I began my tour. Starting in London, then the great outback, and then my home town, Seattle. I saw many new faces, and some old faces. They all chanted my new name, Scarlet, even after 3 years I still wasn't used to it. J.J. and I had become filthy rich. I didn't know at the time if this was a good thing or not. On one hand, I was an 18 year old millionaire, but in the other, I felt guilty. I knew that my family needed the money, but I just hadn't seen them, until tonight that is

I had just  finished one of my concerts, and was waling past fans. I smiled, waved, and occasionally signed autographs. I grabbed an outstretched pen and notebook that was being angled towards me. "Who should I autograph this for?" I asked. "Gabe and Lacie." They replied. I looked at them, and saw my younger siblings. I realized that I had missed 6 years of their life. I felt horrible, but I signed it anyways. 'To Gabe and Lacie,' I wrote 'love from Scarlet/Sam.' I handed it back to them, knowing I would be coming home tonight. I handed the notebook back to them, and wiped tears from  my eyes, dashing for my limousine.

Later that night, I came home. My security guards tried to accompany me on my "jog", but i refused. When I arrived, I creaked open the door and shuffled up to my bedroom. I marveled at what my siblings had done to it. They had not converted it into a playroom ,like I had expected, but a mystery room. Blurry photos of me, and people that looked like me, were pinned on the walls and connected by strings. Right in the middle, was my autograph. I burst into tears, and they ran into my room. "Sam!" they screamed in unison. "Where is mom?" I asked. "She got taked away," Lacie replied, "the men said we wouldn't have to worry 'bout her anymore!" I cried tears of sadness and joy, glad to be home. Home, sweet, some.


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1162 Reviews


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Thu Oct 22, 2015 10:29 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to take this out of the green room! :D
I noticed you said this is your first story. How exciting! Thanks for posting it here!!

I love teen fiction and realistic fiction, and I enjoyed this story. I think it's an interesting idea and an interesting concept. The big thing that bothered me about the story is that it moved so quickly. Three big things happen, but none of them felt very developed. It's an interesting story, but I didn't feel anything emotion-wise. I definitely think this idea has the potential to be a really cool novel, you just need to slow it down more.

What do I mean by that?

1. I want to get to know these characters. All I know about your MC is that her name is Sam, she ran away, she became a famous singer. Those are just facts about her life. They're interesting facts, but I don't know her as a person. By the end of the story, I want to feel like Sam is my friend. I want to get to know her personality, her likes, her interests, her motivations, fears, desires, etc.

I want to know who the people are in Sam's life and I want to know the same things about them that I want to know about Sam. I want to know how Sam effects them and how they effect her. I want to understand how Sam works in the world and her surroundings and with others.

2. I want more plot development. You have a really interesting progression of events. Now I want more events. I want to know more about what happened before and why Sam decided to leave. What exactly was going on in her family and with these other people that were being mean to her (are they friends? classmates?)? How long has it been going on? What was the final straw that made her decide to leave? Did she plan her exodus or was it a spur of the moment decision? How exactly did she get to this cabin? What hardships or challenges did she face along the way? Did she miss her family or anything back home? Did she ever regret her decision? What happened once she got to this cabin? Does it belong to anyone? How did she get the things she needs if she's 12/13/14 years old? Did she make any friends or have any human interaction? What happened in the three years before she was discovered? How long has she been singing? What does her voice sound like? Where does she sing? How did this guy find her? What happens after he finds her? How does she go from unknown to superstar? Did her family ever come looking for her? Why was she never listed as a missing person?

Those are just some of the things I wonder and want to know more about :)

3. I want more description. Right now, the majority of this is telling - as in you're telling us the story rather than showing. This is a very common trap to fall into and many people (myself included) do this. There is definitely a time and place for telling, but for the most part, you want to do more showing than telling. Showing is more interesting to read than telling and it helps the reader feel more connected and engaged with your story.

When you think showing, think of the five senses. I want to feel like I'm right there in the moment with your character. What do things look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, taste like? What is your character thinking and feeling? You can spice up dialogue by adding in information about the tone, style, volume, of speech or what the character look like or do while they're talking. The more you do it, the easier it gets! :)


I really think this story has the potential to be a super interesting novel!! Seriously. I really don't want you to get discouraged. I'm currently working on my 5th novel and I would be more than happy to mentor you or help you write a whole first draft. I love writing contemporary YA (also known as realistic teen fiction) and I love reading contemporary YA and I think it's so exciting that this is your first story! Please let me know if you're interested in being mentored and please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!! :D




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Sat Oct 10, 2015 12:17 pm
backroadstraveler wrote a review...



Hey SageYay! backroadstraveler here to review!

I love the story you have going here! It's uplifting and inspiring- I particularly love how you have Gabe and Lacie looking for Sam all this time.

A few things I noticed-
The characters aren't ever really described. What did Sam look like before she died her hair? What was her mom like? Aside from wishing that she had given Sam away, we don't know what made her so bad that she lost custody of Lacie and Gabe later on.

Also, what is the significance of Sam's ADD? Aside from mentioning it in the beginning to explain why she can't keep the time, it's never brought up again. Did it make it difficult to keep a job? Does she start a charity as a popstar?

Finally,

A wave of fear rushed over me, but then I realized that I had never seen this man before. "Can I help you?" I asked."I'm J.J. Wezz, the record dealer, was that you singing?"
makes me nervous. I was like 'what, she's gonna go off with a total stranger who claims to be famous????' (Unless 'never' isn't supposed to be included). But I would make him immediately recognized, I thought this story was going to take a totally different turn.

Then there are just a few errors that appear to be typos-
she got taked away
to 'she got taken away' and
I would train herder than ever
to 'I would train harder...'

You've got an outline to a really great piece of work- especially if you're considering expanding it into a full novel! Keep writing :)

Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler




SageYay says...


Thanks for your feed back! It was extremely helpful. I wrote she got taked away, because her siblings are supposed to be younger children.




Percy fell face-first into his pizza.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena