Hello! I'm here to take this out of the green room!
I noticed you said this is your first story. How exciting! Thanks for posting it here!!
I love teen fiction and realistic fiction, and I enjoyed this story. I think it's an interesting idea and an interesting concept. The big thing that bothered me about the story is that it moved so quickly. Three big things happen, but none of them felt very developed. It's an interesting story, but I didn't feel anything emotion-wise. I definitely think this idea has the potential to be a really cool novel, you just need to slow it down more.
What do I mean by that?
1. I want to get to know these characters. All I know about your MC is that her name is Sam, she ran away, she became a famous singer. Those are just facts about her life. They're interesting facts, but I don't know her as a person. By the end of the story, I want to feel like Sam is my friend. I want to get to know her personality, her likes, her interests, her motivations, fears, desires, etc.
I want to know who the people are in Sam's life and I want to know the same things about them that I want to know about Sam. I want to know how Sam effects them and how they effect her. I want to understand how Sam works in the world and her surroundings and with others.
2. I want more plot development. You have a really interesting progression of events. Now I want more events. I want to know more about what happened before and why Sam decided to leave. What exactly was going on in her family and with these other people that were being mean to her (are they friends? classmates?)? How long has it been going on? What was the final straw that made her decide to leave? Did she plan her exodus or was it a spur of the moment decision? How exactly did she get to this cabin? What hardships or challenges did she face along the way? Did she miss her family or anything back home? Did she ever regret her decision? What happened once she got to this cabin? Does it belong to anyone? How did she get the things she needs if she's 12/13/14 years old? Did she make any friends or have any human interaction? What happened in the three years before she was discovered? How long has she been singing? What does her voice sound like? Where does she sing? How did this guy find her? What happens after he finds her? How does she go from unknown to superstar? Did her family ever come looking for her? Why was she never listed as a missing person?
Those are just some of the things I wonder and want to know more about
3. I want more description. Right now, the majority of this is telling - as in you're telling us the story rather than showing. This is a very common trap to fall into and many people (myself included) do this. There is definitely a time and place for telling, but for the most part, you want to do more showing than telling. Showing is more interesting to read than telling and it helps the reader feel more connected and engaged with your story.
When you think showing, think of the five senses. I want to feel like I'm right there in the moment with your character. What do things look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, taste like? What is your character thinking and feeling? You can spice up dialogue by adding in information about the tone, style, volume, of speech or what the character look like or do while they're talking. The more you do it, the easier it gets!
I really think this story has the potential to be a super interesting novel!! Seriously. I really don't want you to get discouraged. I'm currently working on my 5th novel and I would be more than happy to mentor you or help you write a whole first draft. I love writing contemporary YA (also known as realistic teen fiction) and I love reading contemporary YA and I think it's so exciting that this is your first story! Please let me know if you're interested in being mentored and please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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