The Forest of Rivers
Neutral Territory
That’s it. It’s official. I am totally, completely, irrefutably screwed.
There is no way that I’m going to survive this. Mom is going to flip when she realizes what I’ve done.
It’s not even my fault. But she won’t listen. No one in the family will listen to any sort of reason anymore. It’s so frustrating!
It all started when I failed that mission a month ago. I can’t believe that I let that demon get away from me. I was chasing her down an alley, and then she turned a corner and vanished! I had to go home and admit that, for the first time, I, Harley of the Angel Assassins, had let my prey get away from me. They threw me in the dungeons for a week, and warned me they would kill me if I ever did it again.
They cut me a lot of slack that time. The rules are that you either kill your target or die yourself, but I’m a valuable assassin. They don’t want to lose me.
Then I screwed up another mission with my sibling, Winter. Well, that’s what the others say. It’s Winter’s fault. They didn’t listen to anything that I said! I told them to go right to corner the demon, but of course they just had to go left! We slammed into each other and the demon got away. We had to share a cell in the dungeons for two weeks. And that was absolutely my last chance ever.
We can’t have this kind of irresponsibility going on. It could destroy the organization. My mom told me. Why can’t you just get along with Winter?
And that’s all set up for the grand finale, the horrible finish.
I’ve lost Winter.
I have no clue where they are.
Right now I’m still in the city, miles from our hideout. We were supposed to be stalking a Blood Eater, and we were doing a good job at it, but then I turned my head and Winter was gone. And then I went back to look at the Blood Eater and they were gone too.
That’s it. I’m going to be killed. They can’t keep on ignoring my screw-ups.
Oh my god, oh my god I’m freaking out so bad, I never really understood what it felt like to break out in a nervous sweat until now. I’m shivering and I’m cold but I’m sweating so much, and I’m breathing too fast and this is it, this is the end, they’re going to track me down and kill me. My mom will probably cut off my head herself.
Okay. Harley. Stand up, breathe, get a hold of yourself. You’re not helping anything.
I stand up and look around. Right now I’m in the Forest of Rivers, Neutral Territory, and there’s no one within miles. All around me is just rocks and trees and—
What the—
There’s a folded up piece of paper on the ground next to me, pinned down by a rock. I’d think that it’s just a random piece of litter, but it’s far too clean and new for that.
I lift up the rock and unfold the paper.
It’s a note from Winter.
Dear Harley,
I’m sorry I had to run away. I know that you will probably be punished for my actions by the Angel Assassins, but I trust that you’re smart enough to know not to go back there. I would have taken you with me, but I didn’t think you would come with me.
The thing is, I’ve run away to join the Ascendants.
I applied to join them a week ago, and they accepted my application three days ago. I don’t want to be an assassin all my life. I want to be an Ascendant. I don’t think you would understand.
Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. And in turn, I won’t worry about you, because I know that you’ll find a way to make a new life for yourself. Think about it! You can be anything you want now, this is your ticket out of a life as an assassin! Take this chance!
I’m sorry again for not giving you a choice. But this is what’s best for both of us. And you might not understand now, but you will soon.
Love,
Winter
I stand there in shock. Winter join the Ascendants? What? How did they—why would—
No, that’s not important. I only have about five hours until the rest of the assassins come looking for me. It’s policy that if a team is gone for more than six hours, a search party is sent out.
I stick Winter’s note in my pocket, and take out my own pencil and paper. I write a quick note and pin it under the rock, for my family to find.
Dear those who call yourselves the “Angel Assassins,”
We have Winter and Harley.
100 gold by Tuesday or you won’t see them ever again.
You can find me at the Royal Palace. I trust you know where it is.
- Q.I.
Time to cause some chaos.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I enjoyed this bit! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it might be from a different perspective than the first part? Either way, the way you write is super engaging. I really enjoyed it.
One thing I think you did well was the colloquial quality of your writing. It didn't feel super stilted or unnecessarily formal; it felt personable, and like I could relate to the narrator. I'm partial to books with a more colloquial, conversational tone to them, and yours looks really promising! Nice work!!
One thing I wondered about was maybe making it slightly clearer that it's a different narrator from the part before. Something like putting the name of the narrator at the top of the section, for example. I only suggest this because I was a little confused when I started reading because I was under the impression the narrators were the same. Especially when you have both sections in first person, it can be hard to differentiate which section is which, you know?
I also think you might benefit from a little text format variation. For example, your notes/letters that the character reads/writes might benefit from italics, just to separate them from the text. And the little scene heading (The Forest of Rivers and Neutral Territory) might benefit from being bolded, just to show that they aren't part of the actual body text.
Specifics
You've got some iffy grammar in this section. I know it's supposed to sound frantic, but the mood shouldn't eliminate grammar rules. I'd put a period after the second "oh my god" and replace the comma after "bad" with a period.
Overall: nice work! I'm excited to see how you'll continue the story.
Hi SageOctober,
Mailice back here with a new review!
I like how this second chapter focuses on the inner life of the narrator for most of the writing, making it come out completely without dialogue. It seems very well written in places, you as a reader get an insight into his personality and the given circumstances as well as about his family.
In some places, however, where the narrator is a bit excited and nervous, your text seems a bit too hectically written. Keeping the sentences shorter at such moments is good, but it shouldn't go on too long so as not to stop the flow of reading.
What I also noticed is the beginning of the chapter where you keep talking about The Forest of Rivers, Neutral Territory. I would highlight that somehow so that you don't immediately see it as part of the actual plot. Especially in this chapter, you could then record it as if the narrator himself was speaking a kind of summary into a sound recorder.
But you did a good job with the beginning. You learn about the narrator's self-doubt without getting into the details right away. It gives the reader time to put themselves in the narrator's shoes a bit.
I would write Winter's letter to Harley in italic or highlight it differently, otherwise it reads like the rest of the text.
Here is a point where I think the narrator knows that someone is reading the story, or in this case, his mind. I would therefore rewrite the last sentence a little. Because he seems a bit hectic and nervous, I find it a bit strange why he remembers this number of all things. It seems a bit counterproductive for his character. I would paraphrase it as him briefly asking himself how long it will take to set up a search party, and then kind of making it sound like, "How long will it take for the rest of the assassins to come looking for me? After... six hours, they usually become active... how long have I been here?"
In context to the first chapter, I assume this part takes place before the events of the first chapter.
Furthermore, there are some good questions here that build up and become part of the plot. The tension is definitely set for the following chapters.
Enjoy the writing!
Mailice.