He looked out the window where his father stood, his dark messy hair almost covering the lightning like scar. The train started moving and almost in a flash the familiar face was gone. He could feel his heart pounding mostly because of excitement but also fear, fear of being sorted into Slytherin. Just the thought of it sent Albus into a trance of sorrow.
“Hey are you okay?” Rose tucked at his shirt. His thoughts had made him forget about the others sitting in the compartment.
“Ohh yeah I’m fine” he said giving the worst fake smile known to mankind.
“Hah, you fine” his brother James snorted. Before the conversation could go on, the doors opened and a boy with brown hair and a mischievous smile pointed to James to come with him. Without hesitation James stood up and left Rose and Albus in an awkward silence. Rose changed seats and now sat in front of him looking out the window.
“I can’t believe we are going, can you?” Rose asked the excitement showing in her voice.
“No, I can’t” Albus answered warily. Rose went on with her blabbering and didn’t even notice that Albus wasn’t listening.
Some time had passed and Albus was getting a bit hungry then he heard it, like a message from god. “Anything from the trolley, anything from the trolley” A woman walked pushing a trolley full of sweets. Albus and Rose both stood up clinging to the galleons in their pockets and running to the door. As they were stepping out something hit them from the behind making Albus fall on his knees.
“Hey what’s your problem?” Rose snapped. Albus looked up and saw a boy, handsome with black hair and eyes. His clothes were a little raggy but other than that he was full on creepy.
He looked at Rose, who was waiting for an apology kept her glare. Without even a word the boy turned around and walked away.
“Hey, come back here!” Rose yelled. But without even acknowledging her the boy walked on. Rose strode back into the compartment swearing the boy for his rudeness, clearly forgetting she was hungry at all. Albus stood up and looked at the spot he had seen the trolley full of sweets. His stomach growling and himself being awfully disappointed, he too went back inside.
The rest of the way Rose just sat there with her arms crossed and mumbling to herself about the boy. Albus had fallen asleep but woke up as he fell to the floor and hit his head pretty hard. He was nudging his head when the train came to a stop.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is off to a nice little start here. Its not exactly the most unique of first chapters I've seen in fanfic like this one, but its the standard one and it works out decently well I think.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh a Harry potter fanfiction with the next generation, that's not something I've read in a while...well, this is an exciting start. Let's see where this one takes us. So far we're off to the standard sort of start here, and we appear to be just sort of continuing right where the epilogue leaves us off. Well, let's see what this first chapter holds for us.
Okay...I like how you're pretty quickly establishing the personalities of these three from just these short exchanges of dialogue, it really helps put in perspective how all of these things are and its a solid way to start off a first chapter here.
Alright, okay, I'm guessing maybe this whole thinking process regarding Slytherin and the sorting situation is what you plan to build this opening chapter on. Its not a bad move, it is pretty interesting, and you're going quite deep with just how much this person seems to not like being sorted into Slytherin. Also love the little detour there with this other person.
Okayy....kind of ends a bit abruptly there I must say. I feel like it didn't really go smoothly off to an ending but kind of ended up rushing to the ending, almost like the author doesn't want to write any more for that part. Its a bit disorienting and I think it could do with a bit of smoothing out in that regard.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, we're off to a relatively exciting start. The ending is what needs a tiny bit of work otherwise, yeah this is not too bad as far as something like a first chapter is concerned.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Kewl!!! I love Harry Potter!!! I agree with Sepherene. Really good job though!!!
Hey, Seph here. I'll try to make this review worthwhile
So, first comment. The whole plot is fine, it's just you have a few grammatical slips here and there. For example:
fear of being sorted into slytherin.
The word 'Slytherin' should actually be capitalized.
Second comment. Your dialogue.
When new characters are speaking, always put it on a different line. For example, instead of this:
“Hey are you okay?” Rose tucked at his shirt. His thoughts had made him forget about the others sitting in the compartment. “Ohh yeah I’m fine” he said giving the worst fake smile known to mankind.
See that? When you don't space out dialogue, it turns into this big ugly paragraph that readers would always skim through, thus, not reading the actual story. It would be much more nicer on the eyes if you wrote it like this:
"Hey, are you okay?" Rose tucked at his shirt...
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine." he said...
One tiny comment. Please, please don't forget your periods or commas when characters are talking.
Overall, the piece was really good. I can't wait to see a chapter two!
- Seph.