He woke up but his eyelids wouldn’t budge as if glued together. Once again a sense of confusion and terror fell upon him. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t say anything or make any sound at all. "Where is he" said a cold shrilly voice. "He said he would be here by now", "stop fussing and relax, we already have the kid" said another voice this one was dark and creepy. The events of the night came like bullets, Sam felt afraid and hopeless. "What do they want? All this seems so familiar but how?" He thought to himself as he felt his body coming back to his senses. He opened his eyes he was in a dark room he was sitting on as it looked like a doctor’s bench. He heard a little beep sound coming from beside him, it was a machine and it had little stings that were stuck to his head. Beep, beep, beep Sam was panicking. Loud footsteps came from just outside and it didn’t last long until the door shot open.
The light was blinding, but he still could see the owners of the voices he had just heard. One was Pale with crystal white hair and eyes as black as the suit he was wearing, but the other man was in so much shadow only his eyes were visible and they were as white as the cleanest cloud. "So your finally awake" said the pale man with an unpleasant grin on his face. Sam was speechless he wanted to ask them why he was there but the fear overtook his throat and tongue, he must look extremely weird just sitting there almost gawping. The men moved closer, coming to both sides of the bench looking at him as if he would do a trick like a trained dog. "Now now Sammy boy don’t be so afraid" the pale man said again the grin never leaving his mouth, "stop taunting him" said the dark figure and with a little anger in his voice. "Who are you?" Sam said as the shot of adrenalin leapt through him. The pale man started laughing the sound gave Sam goose bumps. "What do you want with me?" Sam almost screamed, he couldn’t take it any longer he was to scared and confused he needed answers. "Well haven’t you grown", Sam jumped off the bench in surprise his eyes going to a figure leaning against the doorframe, the man had brown hair and eyes and was wearing blue jeans and a white shirt.
Sam felt the pale man grab him by the arm "Let him go" said the newcomer rather wearily as he walked closer to Sam. The pale man let him go and now the newcomer was standing right in front of him. He was taller than Sam and he was looking down at him like he was trying to remember his every angle, he put his hand on Sam’s cheek and smiled. Sam backed away and landed straight on the wall, the newcomer’s smile faded. "Put him on the bench" the man said pulling him towards the bench. Sam tried to resist but realized he was no match for them. They tied him up and put the strings from the machine back onto his head. "get me the sleeping draft" the newcomer said and the pale man walked out of the room. They were watching him again it was getting on Sam’s nerves though he still was very much afraid he was getting impatient, "what do you want with me?" Sam looked at the men in turns he was desperate to get answers. "We want something inside your head" the newcomer said. "Inside my head" this made him more confused, there was nothing valuable there. The pale man walked back in now holding an injection, he handed it to the newcomer and the newcomer turned to Sam. "Well see you in a couple of hours" he said as he stuck the needle into Sam’s arm and everything went black again.
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Canary word: Present
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Hiya! I’m back.
In the last review, I mentioned that dialogues for each character should be on a new line. This is to avoid confusion from your reader. Please take that into consideration because this chapter also contains an incorrect format and structure. If you'd like help on how to punctuate dialogue, which is another issue I can see, here's a useful blog I'd recommend: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/
I felt as if you rushed this chapter. You could have taken the time to prolong the mystery and suspense. For example, when he wakes up, you could have described the room he’s in and how that makes him feel. Maybe, it looks familiar to him, or that even a glance at the machines around him make his blood run cold.
Lastly, I have to say. This chapter was rather creepy! They are after his brain, but why? Why did they take him nearly eight years ago? You’ve certainly made me eager to read ahead. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and keep writing!
And this is actually supposed to be confusing :Þ
This chapter is very unclear and confusing. I don't think that you thought this through well enough. I beilieve that it needs more detail and better discriptions about Sam and the new man. I didn't understand it which means not many others could understand(just saying because I rarely get confused when reading something). You did a satisfiying job. 3/10
Thanks for letting me know. I'm Icelandic so not extremely good at writing in English but i'm improving so all in good time. I am working on this but i will make changes when i figure this out, just wanted to get my idea out there