Hello! I was looking through the books section and came across your chapter. It sounded interesting, so I decided to review it.
I like that you started off the chapter with Sam’s dialogue. It gave us a gist of his character. However, I felt that it was a bit unnecessary, especially when the next paragraph doesn’t link in with it. Most of this chapter’s told to us, the readers, from the narrator’s perspective. I’ll let it slide because I’m assuming it’s a stylistic choice.
The first two sentences don’t have that “hook” to pull the reader in. They are, frankly, a bit boring. Begin with something catchy, something that makes us want to read on. Something like: When Sam was six years old, he disappeared for a day. Then, start a new paragraph and continue to explain what happened.
If he’s scared as you say, why’s he leaving his home late at night?
In the last paragraph, I was confused about who was talking and when. Remember, every time a new character speaks, you should start another paragraph. It makes it easy for us to follow their conversation.
For example, instead of:
"Who are you?" He asked but hoped for there to be no answer, he was let down as the voice spoke again. "Don’t remember me? Well don’t blame ya , you were only six after all", the cold voice chuckled.
Try:
“Who are you?” He asked but hoped for there to be no answer, he was let down as the voice spoke again.
"Don’t remember me? Well don’t blame ya , you were only six after all", the cold voice chuckled.
There! Can you see the difference? It looks neat and tidy as well as professional. I’d advise you to use Italics on the characters’ thoughts only, not their dialogues, otherwise it gets all mixed-up and confusing.
His mother! I’d like to see her more and see them interact. Maybe, you can include her in this chapter, showing her protectiveness.
I noticed many grammar, spellings, and punctuation errors, but nothing too majorly distracting. I’d suggest you to proof read your work before you post it. Trust me, it helps!
Overall, this has potential. You have certainly made me curious as to why and how he disappeared. Well done, and keep writing!
Points: 14468
Reviews: 214
Donate