You sit there watching their faces, seeing them enjoy things you pretend to have an interest in. Then start to try and drown out the noises and voices of stupid people with smart brains. You drown it out with music they will never like and you hide your pleasure for it.
And now you're thinking how all this happened. You were never fake or afraid to voice your opinions. How did you become so scared and quiet, how did YOU, who was so open and happy, become this little ball of "I don't care".
You hide your true self so that people won't judge. Having all these dreams but no more motivation. Blaming society won't help, cause then you've become one of them. Now as a mere zombie stuck with dumb people with smart brains, who too have been hypnotized by the media. How can one escape without isolation?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
As ZlyWilk said, this is very vague. However, I would say that the last paragraph is less so than the others. The sentence 'Now as a mere zombie stuck with dumb people with smart brains, who too have been hypnotized by the media' almost doesn't seem to fit the tone.
There is a level of telling, not showing. But, given the vagueness and the second person narrative, that makes sense. I would definitely try to use body language to show rather than outright telling emotions in future pieces though.
This is very creative however, and I like the brevity and simplicity of it. It helps get the message across. Not giving details to the people helps build up the sense of isolation and the language use definitely makes me think of an alone person mulling over their existence!
Only other thing I'd say is grammar. You've missed a few Oxford commas- 'mere zombie stuck with' should be 'mere zombie, stuck with'. Also, if using 'cause' as a shortened 'because', it should be ' 'cause ' (I have no idea why that's a thing, but it is)
Ahh thank you for that! English isn't my first language so please let me know if you find any other grammatical errors! :3
A kingdom of isolation... and it looks like... I'm the queen.
Gosh, that so reminded me of the last line.
Hey there, it's Zly here, offering up a humble review.
On a grammatical viewpoint, I'd like to point out
I suggest either putting a question mark after 'quiet' and then another one after 'I don't care', or just putting a single question mark at the end of this whole thing. It's really your own choice.
Also, there should be a comma after 'happy'.
This piece was very, very vague. I believe that was the point of the piece. I think it's meant to be widely relateable and also venting without truly going too deep into each specific problem. But it feels almost lackluster because of that (haha, irony, as the piece mentions having no motivation). I suggest mentioning more... for example, specifically pointing out some of the things you did that you don't like, or when you started feeling like this, or how specifically life was before compared to how specifically life is now. For example...
You were never fake or afraid to voice your opinions. You wore what you want and said what you want and made a stand at anyone who threatened to tear you down. When did that change? When did you begin sitting in corners, breathing in nothing but the stale air of other people's happiness, eating nothing but the tears of your own soul? How did you become so scared and quiet.... etc.
Obviously, your work, your choice! I don't mind either way. This is just a future suggestion, darling!
On a more... 'wordy' view point, if you will...
I think you mean to say, "And now you're wondering how all this happened." You can leave thinking if you please, but then you have to change more: "And now you're thinking, How did all this happen?"
While the symbolism of someone being a stupid person and being smart is nice, it's kind of confusing without examples to back it up. How are they stupid? How are they smart? What traits do they own?
Reading too far into things is one of my specialties, and I apologize for doing so with your work. Every one of my nitpicks and comments is only to help you become a more articulate, more accomplished writer. Despite, this piece was quite good, and I'm very glad you got your feelings out in such a creative, beautiful way.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. And keep writing!
Thank you :3 I was looking for something like that!! I will work on this more, so thank you for the pointers.
So glad I could help, hun! Let me know if I can do anything further for you!