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12+

Trick Or Treat

by SadboyJay


Trick or Treat,

Two brave ones is out

Rose and Harry

14 and 15

both of them decide to go to a halloween party

filled with ghouls,slime,and candy

on their way home

started to get a little scary

the inviting trees was calling their names

Rose fell,

Harry laughed,

zombies came to stop it all

run brave ones! that's what had i said

but it was too late for those brave ones

trick or treat

I was ready to eat.

flesh by flesh 

oh!

so heavily favored

Trick or treat

who will be my next treat?


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26 Reviews


Points: 12
Reviews: 26

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Wed Nov 10, 2021 1:58 pm
averyismediocre wrote a review...



Hi! Just dropping in for a quick review. I thought this poem was very fun! I enjoyed the was your piece was structured. I also really liked the little plot twist at the end. I will say that on the second line, using the word is doesn't make sense to me because you're attaching it to a plural subject. The same thing with line 9. Also in line 13, I would change "what had I said" to "what I had said". Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece and can't wait to see what else you post!

-Avery




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95 Reviews


Points: 23
Reviews: 95

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Wed Oct 27, 2021 12:22 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Cute and creepy! I had such a kick reading this little poem.It’s a nice thing to read for Halloween.I also like the question at the end,addressing the readers.”Who will be my next treat?” I have a feeling that zombie is going to have an abundance of food tonight.Lots of people will be trick-or-treating! Good job! I hope you have a wonderful day/night.




SadboyJay says...


thank you



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203 Reviews


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Tue Oct 26, 2021 1:56 am
Liminality says...



A spooky tale indeed! I like the wordplay on the word "treat", as well as the rhyming. I wonder where the zombies came from, and whether the speaker (the 'I') was actually a zombie or some other Halloweeny creature.




SadboyJay says...


thanks



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26 Reviews


Points: 94
Reviews: 26

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Mon Oct 25, 2021 9:36 pm
FourLeafClover wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to review your poem!

Dang, it's really good. Maybe that's just me being a horror fan, but still.

Okay, let's get into it, shall we?

Trick or Treat,

Two brave ones is out

This made me pause for a moment because of the grammar. It says "Two brave ones is out," whereas to be grammatically correct it should say "Two brave ones are out." It still has the same amount of syllables, if that happens to be a concern of yours, and it won't make people pause in confusion because of the grammar. You don't have to do this, but I do strongly recommend it.

on their way home

started to get a little scary

the inviting trees was calling their names

Once again, I noticed a little grammatical error. Here, it says that "the inviting trees was calling their names." This could easily be corrected by changing "trees was" to "trees were." This also still keeps the same amount of syllables as the original, just like how the correction above does.

run brave ones! that's what had i said

I noticed here that the "i" wasn't capitalized. The rest of the "i"s were capitalized, so in order to keep it consistent, capitalizing the "i" would be a smart idea.

Other than these three corrections, the poem was really incredible! Here are three examples of good things that happened in the poem:

1. The pauses in the poem at certain moments were a really great addition. These pauses kept up the suspense throughout the entirety of the poem. They also didn't only occur every now and then; they happened very often. This is good because it keeps up consistency, which the reader (in this case, me) tends to appreciate.
2. I also enjoyed the part where it was revealed that the narrator was the zombie the whole time. I don't have any idea why, but it just happened to surprise me when that was revealed. Surprises are good for readers sometimes, so that was a really good part because of the revelation.
3. I also really liked the ending line of the poem. It left the reader uncertain about who the next victim of the narrator/zombie will be, and uncertainty is always a good touch when it comes to stories such as this one.

Thanks for reading! Have a good day/night!




SadboyJay says...


Thanks for the love



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Mon Oct 25, 2021 6:13 pm
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TimidToto wrote a review...



Hi, TimidToto here!

First of all, love the spooky theme for the season. It's always a treat to have something made for the spirit of the holiday. The flow, in the beginning, is fun and bouncy, I can see the excitement as both Rose and Harry are giddy to get to the party. The sudden halt in between with the commas offered a nice transition in the mood dropping as they unknowingly await their demise.

The only suggestion is have would be the line "run brave one! that's what had I said", which I think you meant to put "what I had said" instead?

All in all the poem was a pleasure to read and comedic fun. Will watch out for those ghouls/zombies this year 👻

-TimidToto




SadboyJay says...


thanks




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