These knees won't carry me forever and I'm all out of breath. But I'm holding myself together, even when my lungs collapse.
I lay down and then pass out. I see colours in nothing but smoke around me. When will I see through? Even with my eyes closed I can see you. I will always see you.
These blankets won't cover me forever and I'm desperately in need of sleep. But I'm holding myself together, even when I'm in too deep.
Hoping for someone to lift me up and carry me home
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey, yo, SadSorrow! Andrew Jackson Strangehad here on this late Friday night and I have a review for you!
This is cool for me, because it'll end this review competition I have with a fellow YWSer. I want you to know that I mean no harm in this review, if I say something abrasive or offensive I apologize. I'm only trying to help you out as an author. Also, welcome to YWS, it's a pretty dope place.
I was indifferent on this. It wasn't formatted like an average poem, the topic was bland, for what it was you certainly delivered. You knew what you were talking about and you drove it in. I'll comment on what things worked, what things didn't work, and all that jazz. Are you ready to get in this? Because I sure am!
One thing I do like is how the stanzas aren't run-on sentences. Even though you didn't format it like an actual stanza, the audience can tell where one line ends and another starts. Props for that! If I were to point out a problem, I think you could replace lungs with body. You point out knees and lungs, but I also think body would be a proper substitution? I don't know, it's fine either way.
As you can see, I write these without preplanning. Bad idea? Sure, but it helps for a RAW review. The lines are hard to separated in this stanza. Heck, it has one or two more lines than the other three stanzas. It runs on. So I'd suggest if you cut it down a little bit to keep in rhythm and have it look more formal, because it makes the poem a little bit sloppy.
This was kind of funny, because it breaks the mood. It's not too bad, but it isn't exactly the best. 'I'm desperately in need of sleep' is straight forward and blunt, while it follows up the blanket line, it says things the way they are. Also I'm rather iffy on the sleep/deep rhyme, but that's just because.
Suitable ending.
I'm going to wrap this up here. While I did like a good chunk of this, the format/portrayal/delivery fell flat for the most part. The theme of want and need for someone else or something isn't anything new. Sure, you did it justice by being consistent with it, but it's not super interesting. That's only from an ignorant critic viewpoint.
Overall, good job. Maybe it wasn't for me, but it sure was for others. I do hope that you post more on this site because that'd be awesome. And next time you do, remember to have fun. If you aren't having fun, neither will the audience. That is never good.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Hii!
First off thanks for the review! I haven't been on YWS much, but I'm back and well it has been over almost two years.
But either way I would like to thank you again!
I just posted a new Poem and well if you have some spare time, maybe you could write a short review!
Hey, it's spectator. I'm reviewing your poem? How fun!
So, overall amazing poem - I really enjoyed it. I just have a few suggestions, feel free to do whatever with them (it's your poem afterall).
I'm going to break my review down by stanza.
But first I'd like to say I disagree with the first reviewer about changing the format of your poem - I enjoy the long lines. Long lines have the potential to be clunky and cluttered, but you executed them very well! They made your poem super unique.
Stanza 1:
This stanza is great! I just have two things to say. First off, I'd change "But I'm holding myself together, even when my lungs collapse." to "But I'm holding myself together, even as my lungs collapse." This change is basically just me being super nitpicky, but I think it flows better and makes more sense. Second, in this stanza you tell readers fairly directly that your character is exhausted - it might be interesting to instead establish this feeling more indirectly and make your readers feel drained as well.
Stanza 2:
This stanza is your weakest, but still good. It gets a little muddled and I'm not exactly sure what's going on. The line "I see colours in nothing but smoke around me." is phrased oddly. Maybe change it to something along the lines of "The only place I see colour is in the smoke billowing around me." ? Then towards the end of this stanza you randomly introduce a new character ("you") and this is a little bit startling - I'd maybe add a smoother transition from the ideas at the start of this stanza to the ideas at the end of this stanza.
Stanza 3:
I really like this stanza! The only advice I have is make it more specific and personal. "I'm in too deep" is such a broad phrase that doesn't convey that much about what's going on in the poem or about your character.
Stanza 4:
Amazing! Super great! I love it! It's short, and simple - but also possesses so much meaning. It is simultaneously peaceful, hopeful and desperate. I enjoyed this part of the poem the best!
I'd like to end this review by saying this is a great poem!! Keep on writing!!
~ Spectator
Thanks a lot for the advice and feedback!!
Okay,
First off, this is just amazing. Good poetic voice at work here. As just a personal piece it is splendid. ^.^ But it's a little unpolished. Kinda like a diamond in the rough.
Here are a few adjustments "I" would make but that "you" certainly do not have to make:
First of all I'd adjust the format, like this:
These knees won't carry me forever
and I'm all out of breath
But I'm holding myself together,
even when my lungs collapse.
I lay down and then pass out.
I see colors in nothing but smoke around me.
When will I see through?
Even with my eyes closed I can see you.
I will always see you.
These blankets won't cover me forever
and I'm desperately in need of sleep
But I'm holding myself together,
even when I'm in too deep.
Hoping for someone to lift me up and carry me home
Then, I would adjust the rhyme scheme if at all possible. As beautiful as your wording is, there is no rhythm to the rhyme.
It looks like this:
abac
abccc
abab
The last line is fine since it needs to stand apart anyway.
Ideally a rhyme scheme should be consistent.
Abab
abab
abab
or
abac
abac
abac
Being able to create beautiful and meaningful sentences while still maintaining a "rhythm" is part of the challenge of poetry. Of course all poetry is personal. Meaning that the poem you have written is fine, but a little "polishing" would really bring out it's natural shine. ^.^
Happy writing.
Thanks for the tips!