Published April 27, 2008
This is very rough okay, I'm still working on. I just need your opinions on how its going. I am going to add more soon, its just I ran out of time.
Please don't be too harsh because I'm still working on it! Got it?
She is so Perfect [it hurts]
Chapter One: Sunday Bloody Sunday
Slimy rain slunk between the red sun drained bricks. Crystal droplets cobbled the exploding field of water that seemed to fall from the sky. People suited in raincoats and umbrellas hurried by. The occasional unprepared one in a t-shirt or dress fled across the puddle-flooded street, holding a newspaper or binder above their half soaked heads.
But really, they don’t, they fall from the soft grey clouds that hang low around the treetops.
I glance up from over my dampened leather notebook. Surveying the streets before me. I breathe in deeply, taking in the sweet scent of fresh rain and damp grass. People pass by, looking me up and down as if I where crazy for sitting under a tree in a rainstorm.
Just because it seems unpleasant doesn’t mean that someone can’t like it.
Absent-mindedly I bring the end of my pencil to my lips and let it pass through to my teeth. I bite down and let the eraser sink around my jaws and peel away from the wood of the pencil.
I gaze down at the mass of random thoughts scrabbled messily in my slick brown book. “Who the hell decided to give this to me anyways?” I blurt out. A short blond lady swings her overly makeuped face towards me and gives me a dirty down turned lip. I let her pass, cursing rude remarks in my head.
Of coarse I’ve got nothing nice to say, but why don’t I bother say it?
Looking up once more I shut my notebook and let my head flop down onto my knees.
I scream, instantly feeling the many eyes upon my back; all boring deep holes of instant hate into me. Rising to my feet I brush the damp grass from my blue board shorts. I watch the shreds of earth twist to the ground, pondering on the thought of writing it down. I decide not to and begin trudging up the street. Puddles made small raindrops giant bombs that exploded under my feet.
My hair stuck to my face like plaster tangling in front of my eyes. Ignoring it I look down at my torn Adidas they flexed so perfectly along with my feet, completely distracting me from the ‘real’ world. I stumble over a root in the cement and fall to my knees. Cursing under my breath I get back up, not even daring to look at the mess my legs where in. I knew it was bad, I could feel it. Mud and stones stung my skin triggering salty tears at the edges of my eyes. I blink them back and continue to limp down the street.
I check my watch-less hand, sighing as I make a mental note to put mine on in the morning.
"Sunday, Bloody Sunday" I hum, tapping to relaxed beat of the song. I smile to myself, noticing the tie in of my day. Stopping, I pull my notebook from under my arm and open it.
Sundays Bloodied Knees
--Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2 --
I jot the messy words down before closing it again and once more, continuing down the street.
***
[[more coming soon]]
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140,914 Literary Works • 673,732 Reviews
Why hello, Gwening! Good to see you back on YWS. ^^
Now, on to my critique.
First thing I noticed...
... is that you stole my title. Ah well, we'll sort it out at swordplay classes, no?
[PART ONE] LINE-BY-LINE
I'll just comb through the story now and correct technical/grammatical errors whenever I see them. ^^
1. I don't like your use of adjectives for the rain in sentence one; 'slimy' doesn't seem right. For some reason, I picture this beginning scene as a summer-shower, as in, rain falling in the sun. Brief, torrential, unexpected. And that kind of rain, to me anyway, always seems cool and cleansing, reminiscent of clipped grass and whatnot. You know, a kind of clean, fresh rain? Not one to describe by 'slimy'.
But if I'm wrong, and I have a feeling I am, then the street is dark? It might be a good idea to mention the lighting, so we know it's dark[er] because of the ongoing rainstorm... I think I got the impression that it was light out because you mentioned 'sun drained bricks'. Work with this; add some description of the lighting. But still, even if it is dark, I don't think 'Slimy' is the best word choice.
2. There are several grammatical and technical errors here, which dampens the effect of the imagery as an opening scene. Otherwise, I would like it, as it's a nice image. Funny how we both start our teen novels by describing rain, eh?
But as for fixing those mistakes...
SENTENCE ONE: (I've already pestered you about 'Slimy', so I won't bother with it again) I think 'slunk' is an interesting choice of adjectives and it certainly works to project a clear mental image... or, it would, if it weren't for the fact that the rain is described as 'slimy'. But, then I read the next part and I was like, "hrmm..." (Oh, by the way, 'sun drained' needs to be hyphenated.) Sun-drained makes me think of faded red bricks, their colour bled out into rust on the street. An interesting image; I quite like it... but I don't think 'slunk' is the right word for it. It's mostly personal preference for that word choice, though, so don't mind me if you like it.
The finishing product of this sentence is now: Rain slunk between the red, sun-drained bricks. (Optional = adding an adjective for 'rain' to replace 'slimy'. I think it's fine on its own, though.)
SENTENCE TWO: this one seems more like dead-weight than an actual functioning image, I'm afraid. The bricks are cobbling the exploding field of raindrops? Bricks are cobbled themselves, but they never cobble anything else. If that makes sense.
I think this could be a nice image, with some work. Decide what you want to project, and then let me know and I'll help you fix it up. If it needs to be fixed up, that is.
SENTENCE THREE: This one seems fine, except for one tiny detail: you said 'people suited in raincoats and umbrellas'. You can't exactly be suited in an umbrella... you might try this: Peopled hurried by in their raincoats, clutching umbrellas tightly in their hands.
3. Overall opinions on this passage as an opening scene: this is engaging and pretty clear, but I think you could get rid of adjectives like 'slimy' and that you should mention the lighting. If you've read my first chapter, where it also starts by describing rain: "my gaze travelled over the blue light of the classroom without interest". That's lighting. Try it, see how it works.
1. I don't think 'puddle-flooded' works very well. 'Flooded' makes me think that there's plenty of water, whereas a puddle is usually a small amount. Maybe 'puddle-dappled' or something of the like would work better? Just my opinion.
2. Grammar stuff: 'half soaked' should be 'half-soaked'. And I think that for a better flow, you could use this for the second sentence instead: But really, they don't. They fall from the soft grey clouds that hang low around the treetops. I think that breaking it in two with a period gives it a more unique structure and flow, but I'll let you decide whether you agree with me or not.
1. Images like 'fresh rain' and 'damp grass' further convince me that it's light out. Just thought I'd let you know, because if it's really dark, then you might want to change your word choices.
2. Only a few grammatical errors here: The first three sentences should be melded into two. The second sentence is grammatically unsound; I would suggest melding it with the third. Something like: 'Surveying the streets before me, I breathe in deeply, taking in...'
3. SENTENCE THREE: the 'where' should be 'were', but that's the only ting wrong with it.
1. SENTENCE ONE: there needs to be a comma after 'Absent-mindedly'... and that reminds me: 'mindedly' isn't a real word. 'Absentmindedly' is -- maybe you'd like to consider that instead?
2. SENTENCE TWO: this sentence is a little confusing. I think you could improve it with: I bite down and let the eraser sink around my jaws, peeling it away from the wood of the pencil.
1. SENTENCE ONE = 'scrabbled' should be 'scribbled', no?
2. SENTENCE TWO = comma after 'me', and 'anyways' isn't actually a real word. It's okay when used in non-formal writing, but in a piece of literature... well, it should be 'anyway'. ^.^
3. SENTENCE THREE = 'makeuped' isn't a real word either... maybe you should say 'makeup-coated' instead? Or 'makeup-caked'? Also, 'down turned' should be hyphenated: down-turned.
4. SENTENCE FOUR = this one's fine, but I just think this would be better: I let her pass, cursing in my head. It's really personal pref though, so don't worry.
1. SENTENCE ONE = 'coarse' should be 'course'.
2. SENTENCE TWO = comma after 'more'.
1. SENTENCE ONE = the semicolon isn't necessary after 'back'.
2. SENTENCE TWO = comma after 'feet'.
3. SENTENCE FIVE = (three and four were fine) maybe you should insert a colon after 'raindrops', so that it would be "Puddles make small raindrops: giant bombs that explode under my feet." But I'm confused by this -- the raindrops are small, yet they are also giant bombs? *contradiction alert*
1. SENTENCE ONE = comma after 'plaster'.
2. SENTENCE TWO = comma after 'it'. And put a period after 'Adidas'.
3. SENTENCE THREE =
thank you all! I am really glad you enjoyed it! I will make the corrections right away.
Your descriptions here were really nice. I really got into the story just from that. Seemed like a typical rainy day. It's raining here now and I could just look from the screen to the window and go "Yup, that's the way it is..."
No one seemed to catch that.
Anyway, not much seemed to happen in this chapter (though you did say it was in-progress, so I won't gripe too much) but you did set up the character very well, and you didn't resort to info dumps! *yay*
Very, very nice. Ink seems to have captured the nitpicks quite well.
I liked it quite a bit. The italic inner monologue was great. PM when you post more of it, would you please?
*thumbs up* Great stuff.
~GryphonFledgling
I liked this. Most certainly.
Ink got most of the technical problems but heres one that she missed...
You need to put these two sentences together. Other then that, I didn't see any other problematitudes in the grammar/punctuation/structure of the story. So lets get on to the content...
The description was excellent, I liked it a lot. I also liked the slightly odd situation; a girl under a tree in the rain. Intriguing, to say the least. What I would suggest is to avoid too much negativity. Don't allow the character to seem too emo, it ruins any drama and makes it instantly melodramatic. Make her angry at the people who shun the different but also make her slightly contemptuous, perhaps smiling in her superiority.
It might also be nice to lengthen this a little. Describe more of the people, have her watch them carefully and wonder about them. Don't allow her to be too wrapped up in herself.
Since I don't know where this is going I can't really give any more helpful advice. Good work and PM me if you would like me to review the next part.
This was very well-written. The descriptions are so clear I feel like I'm here with the character.
"My hair stuck to my face like plaster tangling in front of my eyes."
This was a good metaphor, but do it like this: My hair stuck to my face like plaster. It was tangling in front of my eyes.
"Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
You need a comma before the end quote.
Of course I’ve got nothing nice to say, but why don’t I bother say it?
Otherwise, very well written!
No worries
I want to read the next bit lol.
Thanks Ink
The title will tie in soon!
I appreciate your help. I agree with you on most of the things and I will go over and work on that now. Two things I didn't agree on was the rain bit and the board shorts. In my mind rain can be slimy, so its how I put it. She is wearing board shorts for a reason, maybe she doesn't want to wear them, but she has to? I'm not quite sure yet, but I will come up with it soon.
Thats funny that you can relate to her, because she's basically based on me! (lol)
The reason for the title is because I'm actually not finished the chapter yet
Thank you again!
Sacred
Why hello, Gwening! Good to see you back on YWS. ^^
Now, on to my critique.
First thing I noticed...
... is that you stole my title. Ah well, we'll sort it out at swordplay classes, no?
[PART ONE] LINE-BY-LINE
I'll just comb through the story now and correct technical/grammatical errors whenever I see them. ^^
1. I don't like your use of adjectives for the rain in sentence one; 'slimy' doesn't seem right. For some reason, I picture this beginning scene as a summer-shower, as in, rain falling in the sun. Brief, torrential, unexpected. And that kind of rain, to me anyway, always seems cool and cleansing, reminiscent of clipped grass and whatnot. You know, a kind of clean, fresh rain? Not one to describe by 'slimy'.
But if I'm wrong, and I have a feeling I am, then the street is dark? It might be a good idea to mention the lighting, so we know it's dark[er] because of the ongoing rainstorm... I think I got the impression that it was light out because you mentioned 'sun drained bricks'. Work with this; add some description of the lighting. But still, even if it is dark, I don't think 'Slimy' is the best word choice.
2. There are several grammatical and technical errors here, which dampens the effect of the imagery as an opening scene. Otherwise, I would like it, as it's a nice image. Funny how we both start our teen novels by describing rain, eh?
But as for fixing those mistakes...
SENTENCE ONE: (I've already pestered you about 'Slimy', so I won't bother with it again) I think 'slunk' is an interesting choice of adjectives and it certainly works to project a clear mental image... or, it would, if it weren't for the fact that the rain is described as 'slimy'. But, then I read the next part and I was like, "hrmm..." (Oh, by the way, 'sun drained' needs to be hyphenated.) Sun-drained makes me think of faded red bricks, their colour bled out into rust on the street. An interesting image; I quite like it... but I don't think 'slunk' is the right word for it. It's mostly personal preference for that word choice, though, so don't mind me if you like it.
The finishing product of this sentence is now: Rain slunk between the red, sun-drained bricks. (Optional = adding an adjective for 'rain' to replace 'slimy'. I think it's fine on its own, though.)
SENTENCE TWO: this one seems more like dead-weight than an actual functioning image, I'm afraid. The bricks are cobbling the exploding field of raindrops? Bricks are cobbled themselves, but they never cobble anything else. If that makes sense.
I think this could be a nice image, with some work. Decide what you want to project, and then let me know and I'll help you fix it up. If it needs to be fixed up, that is.
SENTENCE THREE: This one seems fine, except for one tiny detail: you said 'people suited in raincoats and umbrellas'. You can't exactly be suited in an umbrella... you might try this: Peopled hurried by in their raincoats, clutching umbrellas tightly in their hands.
3. Overall opinions on this passage as an opening scene: this is engaging and pretty clear, but I think you could get rid of adjectives like 'slimy' and that you should mention the lighting. If you've read my first chapter, where it also starts by describing rain: "my gaze travelled over the blue light of the classroom without interest". That's lighting. Try it, see how it works.
1. I don't think 'puddle-flooded' works very well. 'Flooded' makes me think that there's plenty of water, whereas a puddle is usually a small amount. Maybe 'puddle-dappled' or something of the like would work better? Just my opinion.
2. Grammar stuff: 'half soaked' should be 'half-soaked'. And I think that for a better flow, you could use this for the second sentence instead: But really, they don't. They fall from the soft grey clouds that hang low around the treetops. I think that breaking it in two with a period gives it a more unique structure and flow, but I'll let you decide whether you agree with me or not.
1. Images like 'fresh rain' and 'damp grass' further convince me that it's light out. Just thought I'd let you know, because if it's really dark, then you might want to change your word choices.
2. Only a few grammatical errors here: The first three sentences should be melded into two. The second sentence is grammatically unsound,
Hey
First off, I understand this is a work in progress, so I'll crit as if just doing another re-edit.
I started it but the wordiness hit me. Too round about ways, too many words, to much detail. But I kept reading till the end because I like the atmosphere, or the story direction...one of them. I think this has potential.
Ok, the title of the first chapter - I see no resemblance to the actual chapter. There was nothing in the piece that showed it was Sunday. Also, bloody? That's more of British/Australian cuss word and well, the title is also the name of an Australian film. I don't know, but it just sounds wrong given the way your stories been written so far.
This is the first sentence and I'm already on overload. And I'm not too keen on the use of words. But, remember, it's only my opinion.
Slimy rain? I have never seen slimy rain. miry, mucky, oozy, sludgy, slushy These are slimy's synonyms. I don't think it's what your looking for.
Maybe it's the bricks that are slimy and not the rain?
I don't really get this sentence. You use 'They' but you are referring to a single noun - rain. Well, so I thought. I just re-read that and realised you were referring to the bricks. Maybe make this a bit smoother.
Perhaps just the first thing I metioned puts this whole sentence out of whack.
This is a bit wordy. Even though you are trying to describe the differences in sexes, it still doesn't convey as a smooth thought and sounds rough and indescisive.
I enjoyed the middle.
But was confused when I came to the last paragragh.
Why would they instantly hate her? And I thought they were just hurriedly passing by...
This sounded strange. The character sounded too deep to be wearing blue boardies...Lol, I know that sounds weird but that's the first thing I thought.
Maybe breaking it up like this would be better. I can read it much more easily.
Overall, I think this is pretty good. I'm attracted to the girl and her personality. Maybe bcause she reminds me of myself, haha.
But very nice. And keep working on it, I think it's worth it.
All the best,
Inky