taurus in shackles

Sachi!

I warned you that I'd be here, right? I just wish this was a better review!

I love your language, absolutely. I'm not sure I like how choppy the shorter lines make this feel, but you also have a few instances where you need the breaks for enjambment visually, if not orally.

I'm not sure if I love or hate "milky-way heart" - actually, I think in part it's the entire stanza: it doesn't quite jibe with the rest, but I also really like it (and I rather love the idea of wanting sharp edges that don't hurt) other than the last line. I keep going back and forth about what you're doing with this, and I can't tell if I'm reading too much or too little or too literally to appreciate what's going on. Because on a purely auditory level, I love how it sounds and flows, but once I start parsing it a bit more, I get a bit lost in the details.

ANYWAY.

I like the image of a milky way heart, but I'm not feeling the execution of it.

Everything else I love. Your last stanza is just yes. So, stop complaining you're not a poet, because you are.

My buttercup, my flower, let's do this.

Okay, so I'm 100% behind the dynamic between Persephone and Taurus that you're exploring here, this idea that the Taurus calms because she is her child - tell me if I'm wrong heeeere but I'm equating the child to the Taurus as the same being, because it makes me weep inside, this idea that the Taurus can't be let out, can't be expressive or free because there's no way to make it what it isn't? Taurus is a raging bull - a bull in a china shop - that's what it IS and has always been, but Persephone asks for more, asks the bull to reign it in, collect inside itself - but you can't rebuild yourself from the inside out.

Let's do this by stanza so I can adulate you specifically.

Stanza One: uuugh. why you gotta do this to me? This is beautiful, to grow into something smaller, the paradox sits inside you and the truth of it becomes clear. Persephone asks this constellation-this creature- to reinvent itself, to become more by reducing, by becoming more concise. If I want to keep the Taurus-child dynamic (and I do, so there) at this point it feels like Persephone is asking the constellation to become the myth, to condense its vast and varied space into the infinite and unparalleled Taurus on Earth. Become more by becoming less. Yes, thank you.


Stanza Two: "Parenthetical of wrath"? Did you write this for me? You knew I'd be reading it and fall in love with your writing again and again. It's beautiful. And it MEANS. The Taurus wrath does not consume it in perpetuity, it is not a beast of rage. It is a beast that rages - its wrath is secondary to its creation, it's being. I'm not sure if this is making sense to you but it makes sense to me. I think you get me though.

That said, awkward edges play here, I am never a fan of ending on a preposition, and here it jars me. I like the feel of "I have dreamed of being/a creature with edges" but this I think dramatically alters what you're saying, which I really don't want. However, the lines continue to jar for me, so you may want to play with this a little and consider alternatives. If you don't, it isn't a dramatic problem, but it is for me noticeable.

I am here and there about the name - I confess here (omg what) to not being sure what name you're referring to, unless it is Taurus. And then it makes sense. If not, I'll need more context before I can get behind it I think. The milky way heart takes mine forever, what a beautiful phrase, keeping the extended constellation metaphor.


Stanza Three: No qualms, I remember working on this with you and the back and forth about the first two lines, I can't remember what I said then but it is working how it is now. I'm very on board with this stanza. I get a slight pause when I read "we never could rebuild" - I stumble both on the never and the rebuild (or the following "ourselves") but I think that isn't a real concern, it's just my being stuck on un/usual syntax.

Stanza Four: Yes. Yes that this is in parenthesis, yes that this is about the constellations and gods, yes that it blames Persephone and exonerates her. It is a bit passive aggressive and wholly perfect in its presentation. I love it.

Stanza Five: YES. A perfect couplet. These are rejoinders, a response to Persephone, the internal monologue correcting itself as the thoughts occupy. It is beautifully done, because we have a progression of initial thought to its logical conclusion.

‘grow, daughter,

into something smaller than

what you are.’

Says Persephone,

(I have already buried myself alive for you.

I will not do it again.)

Rejoins the narrator.

It's perfect, a concentrated exploration of why Taurus is how it is, how we are as human beings, the infinite inconsideration of the gods in the face of their creations. "DO" says the god "Live" says the creature.

I know this is more an expression of the Persephone & Taurus myth, but what I get from it is a cosmic denial that gels so readily, so beautifully, with the strength of conviction your writing has.This is a beautiful poem you should be proud of. Do think about your syntax here and there though, as it jars slightly. And if I have misunderstood entirely... consider taking on my explanation. or more seriously, feel free to explain it to me and I'll be able to tell you if that works with what you have.

Thanks for posting.
<3

Hi, I'm here to review.

I have mix feeling about this poem. Like Kaos, I am a bit confused about the myth you have here. Like, the story about Persephone is focused on what happens with her, her mother, and Hades. She never has a child, if my memory serves me correctly. She has six months period to go visit her mother, Demeter, on earth, and six months period with her decidedly shitty husband, Hades.

Taurus I think is created by Zeus? I dunno, I have this vague recollection that all constellations are created by him, which means they are nobody's children, and makes me hard to actually enjoy this poem. However, I am interested with the interpretation of Taurus as a male, because in popular cultures like Fairy Tail manga, Taurus is a pervert male, and when I see his name anywhere I'm reminded by him. What I am trying to say is that will all these alterations of myth put into a poem, it is too much. Maybe go for prose poetry or straight short story to better represent the idea instead?

I have dreamed of
being a creature with edges
that do not harm,
but I was born
a forged weapon
(a fire and stone creature—
a parenthetical of wrath)
whose name is every
whispered promise soaking
into my milky way heart.

This is Kaos here for a review!

I've never reviewed your poetry before I don't think, but here I go. We start off with the narrative being about Persephone, and something that I was confused by is that Persephone doesn't have any definitive daughters in Greek mythology and I didn't know if it was a daughter made up or just one that I didn't know about, just a small thought that confused me. The first stanza is interesting to me, more specifically what Persephone said to her daughter and the way that I interpreted the whole 'grow into something smaller than you already are' was perhaps her trying to discourage her daughter or something of that sort.

I think that here's a good place to bring up one of my problems with this, which is the line length. It's something that I'm mixed on and I thought it would do better with more variety and perhaps longer lines in some places, though I do like the feeling that it gives off to the reader.

Following up on the more general of the poem, this has a prose-feel to it when it came to the imagery, or at least that's how I felt. I was hoping for and wanting more of it with stronger images than what you had here to sort of paint a picture and to create more of an atmosphere for the narrative. The lines have a lot of weight behind them in terms of emotional impact, but I want imagery to follow that and to help build and expand the tone that you set with this. What's here is beautiful, but I yearn for more.

As for the narrative that we're kind of following as the reader, it got a little unclearer but from what I understand, the daughter of Persephone is someone that's dangerous and was buried alive? There are a lot of layers to the narrative of this and that's something that I can appreciate. I wanted a little bit more clarity or a gentle push on what everything meant, but I do like the room to interpret that the reader gets to fill here.

This made for a beautiful poem. I hope I helped and have a great day!