Silence and Darkness
The darkness is overwhelming.
The pitch black of the cell and the sounds of the scuffling rats. It’s all too much for her ears. A hapless victim screams nearby, and she cringes against the wall as the sounds penetrate her ears through the thick wood of the door. Soon they will come for her, as well. They will come, and the horrors will begin all over again.
The shrieks stop, and all is silent. Instead of the darkness, it is now the silence that is overwhelming. It immobilizes her. She cannot hear the scuffling of the rats, or the moaning of the other prisoners. She closes her eyes and wails as loud as she can. The sound bounces off the stone walls around her, ricocheting back and forth. But, she can take this. She would rather the sound of her screams and the darkness than the silence.
The sound fades, and she is left in silence again. She takes deep breaths, trying to calm herself. At the sound of heavy boots on the stone outside she ceases to breathe and listens hard. They do not stop at her cell door. They keep moving. She begins to breathe again.
The longer she sits there, the more her thoughts rage throughout her mind, somehow finding their way back home, to her family, to her sweetheart. Oh, how she wishes to be with him.
The sounds of boots reach her ears, and fades away once again. She places her hands over her ears, attempting to block out the howls and moans and yelping that she knows are to come. The horrible creatures and their experiments. Did they wish to see how long it would take for their captives to break down? To completely give in? To die?
She removes her hands from her ears and runs her hand over the cuts and bruises on her arms, then reaches up to smooth the hair that has begun to grow again over her scalp.
Suddenly the cries begin anew. She cannot take it. She starts to scream again.
The sound of pounding boots on the stone nearly jolts her out of her fit, but she keeps going. The door to her cell opens suddenly, and the light, as dim as it is, nearly blinds her.
Rough hands reach out to pull her out of her cell, and she struggles, scratching, attempting to bite her tormenter’s hands.
Her teeth find a grip between the man’s thumb and forefinger, clamping down on the soft skin. The man gasps and yells, but she still holds on. He shakes her furiously. Two more tormenters arrive, and grab her arms. A third one appears and knocks her on the head, loosening her death grip on the first man’s hand.
Her face is slapped, and curses are sent her way. Tears course down her cheeks, and she chokes back sobs. She is roughly thrust back into her cell, and the door is slammed shut.
Left once again in the darkness, she lets the tears fall freely, and falls to her knees, crawling back to her corner, to wait out the coming screams, silence, and darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
That didn't really flow that nicely in my head...
It seemed kind of fake maybe? It just felt like it was in a script for a soap.
Have you read Maximum Ride? If you havn't it's fine but if you have this sounds like "school" for Max and the gang.
Okay so overall I like it so far. It's descriptive nad interesting. The part I like overall s when she fought off the big bad men. It was great.
I believe it is because she was screaming so much that they took her out of her cell. She freaked, and bit him. XD I may go back and change that. Thank you for your review!! ^_^
I like this story, though I think you could use more imagery. Is the cell dank? Is it cramped? Is it smelly? What does it remind her of and how long has she been there?
I think those questions should be answered and Azila pointed out most of your technical problems. The only thing I can't help but notice:
Why did they take her out only to rough her up a bit for biting the person and then throw her up in the cell? It doesn't make sense to me at all, but it might just be me.
I hoped I helped
----Perwinkle
Wowee! That's some good writing write there. I only caught one mistake though...She would rather the sound of her screams and the darkness than the silence.
Shouldn't it be: She would rather hear the sound of her screams and the darkness than the silence?
Leave that to you,
ST
Wow.
Well, Cat-sama, this was very interesting. To make it short, I loved it!!! You can't really improve on this, I thinks. Let me go back and see...
*three minutes later*
Well, sorry, I couldn't find anything. There is only one thing that I really don't understand. What's it about? Throughout the whole story, I was thinking that this was a Jew from WW2 or something... but that's just because I'm becoming obsessed with the freaking war.
But, I still don't understand what the whole 'point' is. Yeah, it's a bit creepy/eerie/amazingly cool, but I don't quite get it.
Anywho, I'm off to read #2!
-Bear-kun
I have TAKEN A LOOK AT THIS!
) Hmmm...I think you're using the second person? (My brain just went to jelly, I think...) That's great, you don't see much. It's a hard person to work with. >.> So kudos to you for making it work!
XD
I am a Baroness of honor, don'chta know.
Mmmm...maybe it's just because we were discussing FMA, but I'm thinking "chimera". (Ach, poor Marta...)
You still use the word "screams" a lot, but it's kind of a vague term. Shrieking, screeching and wailing are all a lot more specific. Ahem. Other than that, I don't see much that merits picking apart. (Not that I have my chainsaw, anyway...
To end this unbelievably unhelpful review, Azila got it all. XD
XD
~Sumi, the Hazel Ink Alchemist
The new version is much better!
It makes it a lot more interesting if you use more different words, don't you agree? You still use "begin" a lot... "he begins to do this, she begins to feel this" so on, but it's a lot better now that you have synonyms for "scream"
Keep it up! I'm so happy to see the way you've incorporated my suggestions!
~A~
Very nice piece here! Truly, it has a lot of potential.
I think the main downfall of it is that you use the same words to describe things over and over. I suggest you get a thesaurus (any online one will do... you can try www.thesaurus.com for starters) and enter in those words for synonyms. I will point out most of the incidents in my line-by-line, but try to work on it on your own too
You use "darkness" and "overwhelming" in the first sentence, then in the next two respectively. This is very repetitive. I don't know if you meant it to be or not, but I would change it.
I don't know why, but this just didn't read well for me. I think it's how repetitive it is. Try making it:
"The screaming stops, and all is silent. Instead of the darkness the silence now presses against her, immobilizing her. She cannot hear the scuffling of the rats, or the moaning of the other prisoners." or something like that
First sentence: take out the comma after "but".
Second sentence: Take out the second "rather" you don't need it and it's ungrammatical (I think anyway
Okay, another case of repetition. Using both the words "scream" and "begin" in the first and last sentences is a no-no!
Take the "screaming" from the beginning and put it in the end, thus making:
"The sound of pounding boots on the stone nearly jolts her out of her fit, but she keeps screaming."
You use "slam" to describe the door opening too. Try to find another word."
Overall, very good. I can definitely see what you have in mind and with just a wee bit of editing/rewording will do wonders, believe me!
This piece would truly be a masterpiece! ...So just keep working on it. I suggest use the thesaurus for words like "scream" which you use a lot. Also, you should read it aloud to yourself, or have a friend/family member read it to you. This will help the rough spots read smoother.
PM me if you have questions!
~Azila~