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Young Writers Society



Memoirs of a Thief chapter two, part one.

by Sachiko


Chapter Two.

Felix stirred, then opened his eyes slightly, squinting in the bright morning sunlight. Sitting up, he yawned and stretched, relieving his aching muscles. He didn’t think he would ever get used to sleeping on the ground.

Scratching his head, Felix squinted at the spot next to him, feeling that something wasn’t quite right. Not being able to put his finger on it, he stood up and stretched some more. Scratching his upper arm, he looked once again at the tree, struggling to remember something he knew he wasn’t supposed to forget.

Suddenly, it hit him. Dante had disappeared.

Panic rose in the young peacekeeper’s throat. Quickly, he scanned the area. Dante was nowhere to be seen.

“Commander!” He shouted, “The culprit’s missing!” He tensed, waiting for Jadell’s orders, but they never came.

“Commander?” He began looking around the camp, his worry about the missing captive overshadowed by his worry for the missing Commander.

As Felix continued to search, he became more and more frantic.

Spying a private nearby, Felix raced over to him and shook him awake.

“Wake up!”

The private opened his groggy eyes. “Captain.” He yawned, “For what reason do I owe this unpleasant awakening?”

“Have you seen the commander?” Felix asked, trying not to let the panic seep in through his voice, ignoring the private‘s lack of respect.

The private yawned again. “Nope. Not since last night. But then, I just woke up…” He made to go back to sleep, but Felix jerked him roughly to his feet. “And you call yourself a peacekeeper? Sleeping on the job?!” The private looked around, then spat back at Felix. “What about you, huh? Who let the captive escape?”

Felix glared at him, then turned away.

“Men!” he screeched at the top of his lungs. “On the double! Move it! We’ve got a MIA! Move!”

* * * *

Dante stopped by a stream for a rest. Dipping his hands in the ice cold water, he washed them, then splashed his face. Straightening up, he glanced back over his shoulder toward the direction of the camp. They had definitely noticed his absence by now, and most certainly the commander’s.

Orari flew over and landed on Dante‘s shoulder, returning from his scout of the area.

Dante stroked the top of Orari’s head with the tip of his finger. Glancing at his master, Orari chirped.

“Eh? Why did we bring the girl with us?” Dante inquired.

Chirp.

“Well, oh wise one, would you prefer that she regained consciousness in the middle of her camp and went after us again?”

Click.

“True, she would not be able to move, due to the hydropholic poison, but she would still be able to talk and point that squad of hers in the right direction.”

Click.

“Well, I’m sorry if my reasons aren’t good enough for you then!”

Dante shook his shoulder irritably, sending the bird flying into the air. In truth, Dante didn’t know why he had taken the girl, when it would have been perfectly suitable to leave her where she was. Turning, he glanced at the tree where he had lain her when he had stopped. Lax and floppy as a rag doll, Jadell leaned against the tree, eyes closed. Perhaps it was the fact that he was simply bored. Before he could explore this notion further, Orari’s screech brought him to his senses. Realizing that the Elite Iorta was closer than he realized, Dante picked Jadell up and slung her over his shoulder. After making sure she was secure, Dante sped off into the forest.

Dodging trees left and right, he tried to decide where to head. He’d heard in a tavern in Geer that there were riches untold in the eastern provinces. Plundering galore. Dante grinned to himself. Perhaps there was where he’d settle down next. Dante never stayed long in one place. He’d mostly traveled around, taking odd jobs here and there. Occasionally, he’d rent a house in a town to get his bearings together, take a little breather. Dante was enjoying the prospect of a warm fire at night again, when he felt stirring against his back.

Drat, he thought. I should have hit her over the head instead. Hitting them over the head was always much more effective than pressure points.

Jadell slowly opened her eyes, and found herself looking at the blurred ground. ‘What the…’ she thought groggily, then felt Dante’s back under her unresponsive arms and abruptly realized what had taken place.

“Hey!” Jadell screeched. “What do you think your doing, Thief?! Put me down this instant!”

Dante chuckled. “I think that would be considered most unwise at this moment, little girl.”

Jadell gritted her teeth and screamed.

“If you don’t let me down right now I swear you won’t live to steal another thing!” She raged.

“Promises, promises. How do you expect to stop me, little girl, if you cannot even move?”

“Jadell clenched her jaw. “My name is Jadell, Commander of squad six in the Elite Iorta, and if you call me little girl again I swear that I will kill you once I have regained use of my limbs!

Dante sighed. “I suppose you’ve forgotten about the aftereffects, haven’t you, little girl.”

“What after-”

Jadell suddenly felt her stomach churn.

“Oh, God,” she groaned.

Dante chuckled. “Those aftereffects.”

Screeching to a halt, he dropped Jadell down on her knees and waited patiently as she emptied her stomach.

“You little weasel,” Jadell coughed, her throat sore. “I swear when I regain use of my limbs…”

Dante hoisted her over his shoulder again. “As I said before, little girl, promises, promises.”

* * * *

After an hour of tracking, Felix was exhausted, and no closer to catching his quarry than he had been the hour before. He wished he hadn’t sent the rest of the squad back for reinforcements. Looking up into the sky, Felix calculated it was roughly eleven o’clock in the morning. It would take the squad about two hours to get back to town, and then another three and a half at least to catch up to him. Grrr, if only he hadn’t fallen asleep last night! Jadell had trusted him to keep an eye on Dante, and he had let her down! Causing her to be taken captive herself! If Dante did anything to Jadell, Felix swore that he would never forgive himself.

Regaining his breath, Felix sprinted off again, in the direction he hoped Dante had headed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dante groaned to himself as Jadell took in another deep breath to barrage him again with her insulting.

Before she could start, Dante tuned himself out, a trick he had learned from a traveling Buddhist monk, after which the monk had met a rather unfortunate end indeed...

“Tune everything out,” Dante muttered to himself. “Tune eeeverything out…”

“Thief? Thief! Are you listening to me?!”

Dante sighed and smirked. “Not if I can help it, little girl. Quite frankly, your voice is making my head hurt.”

“Why you-”

Thonk.

Jadell felt a sickening bump on the back of her head, then she blacked out again.

“Oops, did I forget to mention that a low-hanging tree branch was coming up, Orari?” Dante asked casually.

Click.

Oh, my. It seems that I did, as our little captive has lost her tongue. Oh dear, what a shame.”

Dante chuckled to himself as he started to run across the forest.

“Let’s see, Orari. If my calculations are correct, the forest should be ending right about… here.”

The forest suddenly opened up into a wide, low valley, beyond which lay a range of mountains, the border to the eastern province.

Dante cautiously stepped out into the valley, hesitant to be out in the open. Readjusting Jadell, Dante set off across the grass, dodging rabbit holes. Glancing up, he spotted Orari keeping watch. Gritting his teeth, Dante ran across the valley as fast as he possibly could, trying to reach the mountains.

Felix gasped as he reached the edge of the forest. Just below, he saw the thief, Jadell laying across his back. He fumbled for his dagger, and ran out of the cover of the trees.

At the sound of someone scrambling about in the grass and underbrush, Dante looked back over his shoulder towards the woods. A young man was scrambling down the hill, and toward him, a dagger clenched in his fist.

Dante sighed, and let the girl slide from his back. Calmly, he knelt down on one knee, and retrieved a long, slim dagger from his boot. It was sharp, and lethal. He stood up straight and rolled his shoulders, waiting for the boy to reach him. He’d might as well get it over with.

Felix nearly tripped as he saw the man take something from his boot. It was a dagger. Felix ground his teeth, and tried as best as he could not to stumble on the steep hill from the woods, and fall flat on his face.

Dante yawned. He was too tired for this nonsense. He began walking forward, leaving his pack and Jadell laying in the grass. He met Felix in the center of the valley.

“Where is she?” Felix demanded, holding his dagger tight in his hand.

Dante smirked. “Why do you care so much?”

The blond boy scowled before going into his fighting stance. “Because she doesn’t belong with the likes of you.”

Dante noted the boy’s stance, approving. At least the Elite Iorta knew how to teach fighting. “Really, now? The likes of me, hmm?” He walked forward casually, as Felix’s eyes watched him cautiously.

“The likes of me…” The thief murmured to himself. “And, tell me, Captain, what makes the likes of me,“ he grinned, idly twirling his dagger between his fingers, “so bad?”

“You’re a thief,” Felix spat. “A thief, liar, and an abductor. You’ve committed murder, vandalism, and you‘re wanted in two provinces.”

“But, I thought you said something about bad qualities?”

Felix didn’t answer. Instead, he shot forward, a growl ripping from his throat. Dante easily dodged his dagger.

“You’re tired,” the older man stated, blue eyes twinkling maliciously. “You don’t have the stamina to fight me now.”

Felix turned and tried again, and Dante dodged a second time.

Dante reached out and grabbed Felix’s arms, looping him through the elbows. Felix struggled, his dagger waving about dangerously.

“Let me go!” He shouted, trying to twist his body away from the thief’s grip. He fell to the ground with an “oomph!” as Dante kicked his knees out from under him.

“I know what you’re afraid of,” Dante whispered in Felix’s ear. “You’re scared that I’m going to hurt her, aren’t you?” His mouth twisted into a grin when Felix thrashed about viciously, attempting to free himself. “I thought so. She’s very pretty, isn’t she? You don’t have to worry, Captain, you’re little commander will be very safe with me.”

Dante reached out for his dagger, which had fallen to the ground, and right as he did so, Felix took advantage of the loosened hold on him to attack. Just as he had raised his dagger, however, he received a sharp blow to the temple, and blacked out.

* * * *

Jadell woke up that afternoon freezing cold with a splitting headache. “Ouch…Brr!”

From beneath her, Jadell heard chuckling. She was still being carried by Dante.

“Did you get a good rest, little girl?”

Jadell bared her teeth. “For the last time I am not a little girl!”

Desperately she tried to move her legs, attempting to kick Dante in the stomach, but found that she still had not regained use of them yet.

“Gah!”

Dante chuckled, then whistled for Orari.

“Why don’t you try and find a good camp location, Orari? It should be getting dark soon.”

Orari clicked his beak, then flew off.

Jadell closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her stomach was churning again. And it was cold! She shivered.

“Where are we going, thief?”

Dante thought for a moment before replying. “Oh, here and there. Maybe to the Thorskian sea, or the Transbullet Desert, or the palaces of western Thorpia. But that shouldn’t be any concern of yours, little girl, seeing as you cannot even control the movements of your feet.”

Jadell growled. She could not wait for this dratted poison to wear off. Then she would show that thief a thing or two.

Orari came back, and landed on Dante’s shoulder, right by Jadell’s waist. The bird chirped in Dante’s ear, and Dante nodded.

“And there’s a pool with plenty of fish? Excellent. Food and water. And how far away is this fabulous camping spot?”

Orari clicked his beak.

Dante nodded. “Good. We should be there by nightfall then.”

Jadell shivered again, this time alerting Dante.

He smirked. “I guess little girls don’t like the cold now, do they?”

He set Jadell down on the ground and leaned her against a boulder. Taking off his cloak, he wrapped it around her shoulders. Jadell stared in awe at the Dante. Underneath his thin sleeveless shirt she could see rippling muscles. His arms looked strong and muscular.

Dante fastened the cloak, then hoisted her over his shoulder again.

“There. The little girl won’t be so cold now, will she, Orari?”

Any gratitude Jadell would have shown Dante was lost in the rage she felt at being called a little girl again. How dare he! Summoning as much strength as she could, Jadell lifted her tied together legs feebly and kicked Dante hard in the stomach.

“Oof!” he groaned. “There’s the gratitude I get for lending you my cloak? Ungrateful little girl.”

“For the last time thief!! I am not a little girl! I’m eighteen for goodness sake! Hardly little, am I?”

Dante chuckled. “Whatever you say, little girl.”

Jadell wanted to scream in rage. That arrogant attitude of his! Attempting to kick Dante again, she found that she had used up what little strength in the first kick she had administrated him. Jadell then actually did scream in rage, hurting Dante’s sensitive ears.

“Ouch! My, my, Orari. I always knew little girls had large vocals, but good heavens!”

Orari flew over to Jadell and landed on her back. Picking up her braid in his beak, he tugged on it.

“Ow!” Jadell shrieked. Orari turned his head and chirped at Dante.

Dante snorted. “I’m sorry that I couldn‘t agree with you on that, my friend.”

“What did that infernal bird say to you?” Jadell inquired angrily.

Dante thought for a moment, the admitted, “He said you are much prettier than the last one.”

“The last one?”

“Mhm. The last hostage we took. It was a job I had taken. Didn’t care much for it. Kidnappings aren’t really my thing.”

“Than why in the world am I here?! And what do you mean you can’t agree with him?!”

Dante grinned, although Jadell couldn’t see it. “I got a tad bored. Besides,” he patted the backs of her legs. “I like little girls. Provided they don’t shout in my ears. As to why I couldn‘t agree with Orari, the other one was much more…mature…” He smirked.

Jadell’s face heated up, then she shrieked.

“You nasty little delinquent! I swear when I get my hands on you you’re going to regret the day you were born!”

Dante was quiet. Then,

“Trust me, little girl, I’ve regretted that day my entire life.”

“What? What do you mean?”

Dante refused to answer her.

“Thief? Thief! Answer me!”

Dante stayed quiet a moment longer, then smirked again. Jadell could practically hear it in his voice.

“I don’t have to answer to little girls. Little girls should learn to hold their tongues.”

“You insignificant toad! You little rat! Weasel!” Jadell continued to call him every name she could possibly think of. Dante was unconcerned. He’d endured worse insults from prospective employers, assignments, Orari, Orari’s meals…

Jadell stopped to take a breath, then continued on again. “Coward! Rascal! A thousand curses upon your garden shed!”

Dante stopped walking. Suddenly, he laughed, long and hard. Jadell, realizing what she said, blushed a deep shade of red.

“A thousand curses upon my garden shed? My dear little girl, I don’t even own a garden! How could my shed be cursed?”

He laughed again, tears of mirth streaming from his eyes.

Jadell growled. “Enough, thief!”

Dante smirked, and laughed again. “Certainly little girl. I must keep quiet, or else you may curse my kitchen sink!”

He roared with laughter again, while Orari chuckled silently on Jadell’s back.

Jadell sighed, and shut her mouth. Everything she said was going to be ridiculed, and he would just continue to taunt her.

Dante chuckled, and started walking again.


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User avatar
194 Reviews


Points: 4125
Reviews: 194

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Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:41 pm
Sela Locke wrote a review...



"A young man was scrambling down the hill, and toward him, a dagger clenched in his fist. "

You could cut out the 'and toward him,'.
I think you have a small problem with repetition, although it can easily be fixed. Dante constantly calls her 'little girl', even when it sounds quite odd in the sentence. Maybe he could ease up, just a tad?

I can see you have improved since your first chapter, and am very pleased.

Keep up the good writing!
-Sela




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150 Reviews


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Reviews: 150

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Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:59 am
ChernobyllyInclined wrote a review...



Hmmm...This was good, but still not very original. The writing is consistent and the so are the characters but that doesn't subtract from the predictability. The characters, setting and dialogue continue to be supremely cliche.

Dante and Jadell are humorous together. I like the dynamic. But I would still recommend that you attempt some amount of quirky and/or less predictable events/characters.

"That arrogant attitude of his!" This is an example of something that you find quite often in this kind of fiction. The girl who is annoyed at the arrogant boy...etc. It would greatly add to your story if you could eliminate some of this and add some of your own ideas.

I liked the story. Just needs a little work. Keep writing, you'll get better. ^_^




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Sat Dec 29, 2007 2:03 am
~nariel~ wrote a review...



Hey, I like this. It's a little long to be doing a line by line critique, but I'll give you some pointers.

It was a little confusing how you kept on switching POV. My suggestion is to keep the POV the same throughout the whole chapter. You can change it from chapter to chapter, as long as you don't have too many characters. :)

Also, your characters are almost believable. Work on making them a bit more unique, then they'll be extraordinary.

Other than that, great job.

~N~




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Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:37 am
BigBadBear wrote a review...



*squeals!* Yes, you posted! Ok, now I'll hunt for stuff:

“Commander!” He shouted, “The culprit’s missing!”


He doesn't need to be capitalized.

The private yawned again. “Nope. Not since last night. But then, I just woke up…” He made to go back to sleep, but Felix jerked him roughly to his feet. “And you call yourself a peacekeeper? Sleeping on the job?!” The private looked around, then spat back at Felix. “What about you, huh? Who let the captive escape?”


This needs some work. Every time that a different person speaks it should be in a new paragraph. So...hm...after "Felix jerked him roughly to his feet." it should be a new paragraph. And then after, "Then spat back at Felix," should be a new paragraph.

Turning, he glanced at the tree where he had lain her when he had stopped.


XD that's not a word. You are looking for 'layed.'

He’d heard in a tavern in Geer that there were riches untold in the eastern provinces.


Swap these words around: "untold riches."

“What do you think your doing, Thief?! Put me down this instant!”


Does Thief need to be capitalized?

“I suppose you’ve forgotten about the aftereffects, haven’t you, little girl.”


This sentence should end with a question mark. ?




Ok, I have to go. Sorry, I WILL come back and do the rest. So far this is very good. I don't know why you wouldn't want to post it!

BBB





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