This is something I wrote for Jabber-chan's (JabberHut for the rest of you) 100 word Autumn contest. Critiques are welcome, but bear in mind that they're also haiku. That, and i'm pretty freaking sick of looking at them. XD
A small series of Autumn themed haiku.
Symphonies fall from
Branches in swift harmony.
Leaves crunch underfoot.
Trees bare themselves
In equinox praise.
All else beholds the wonder.
Before a full moon,
Wolves express their approval
For nearing events.
Carved faces leer past
Steep corners where witches fly.
There will be candy.
Football soars high as
All dive before its descent.
Victory is sweet.
Chill breezes sweep to
Cover hilltops with gold leaves.
Who took my mittens?
Geese fly overhead,
Running away from autumn.
Many wings will tire quickly.
Pies from oven should
Cool before being touched.
Warm temptation taunts.
Red apples drop where worms infest happily.
---
@_@
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,631 Literary Works • 675,281 Reviews
Nice job ^^ i wish I could write haikus like that, but everytime I try it, well, it looks more like a machine forcily crammed words into a stanza lol. My favorite stanza in the series was the one about the wolves XD I loved that, but then again wolves are practically my favorite animals lol. Great job on this, make some more!
I love the first two! Also, I really like your use of imagery throughout the pieces.
In the Halloween one and the chill breezes one (numbers four and six), the last lines seem to almost break the spell created by the first two. They seem out of place and out of keeping with the moods- was this intentional?
I feel you've captured autumn nicely, and I especially like the vocabulary you use (equinox, swift harmony, carved faces).
Good job!
You say 'where' twice. >.>
You already know that I love these poems. They are terrific.
-Jared
Sachi-cat! Terrific job. First things first: *stars*
That said, I'm normally not huge on haiku. I usually read them in bunches like this, but anyway they're all really good. Good luck!!!!!
Banana-san-
Thank you so much for your review!!
the time when the sun crosses the plane of the earth's equator, making night and day of approximately equal length all over the earth and occurring about March 21 (vernal equinox or spring equinox) and September 22 (autumnal equinox). In this case it's autumn. ^_^
I'll be sure to take a careful look at the rest of your suggestions, and try to fix what you pointed out. Again, thank you! ^_^
The first line of this is a little off rythm, but overall I love this one.
Just to clarify (probably just me being dumb
I absolutely adore this one, except maybe use a different word from nearing. I love it though!
The first two line are scary (in other words, excellent, because it is halloween themed), but the last line is a little odd and out of place. Make that line about candy, but it would almost suit the rest of the poem better if you used a different word, such as treats, or prizes, or secrets, or something more mysterious.
Again, I am not so sure I like the "as" at the end of line one.
I like this one a lot. I like how the last line is playful, and gives the poem some excitment and humor. I love it. but i dont like the "to" at the end of line one. (Again, something about this kind of thing offsets the beat of the poem.)
Wonderfully written. It's perfect for autumn. I like the last line but maybe use a different word from quickly.
First line doesnt make much sense. but I love pie!
Nice touch. This is a cute line. I love it.