Young Writers Society

She walked out onto the street
And saw that all was ash
And no photographs were made.

All the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.

This might be a little confusing but...I was captured by the work I just didn't get it. Um...Maybe you should work on this so it's a little more fluient as well. PM when you do that.

D7M

It was a little difficult to understand but when I read it again I kind of understood the meaning of the whole poem. It is very interesting. Keep writing!!

Thanks, LovableLittleSock! But careful with that internet browsing during school hours *wags finger*
Oh, and tinny, I usually hear that in reference to sounds quality, like if a stereo sounds 'tinny' it sounds cheap and flat and weak. I think it also is a reference to 'tinned' or canned food. but yeah, it means cheap or inadequate.

thanks, niteowl (your icon is hypnotic btw XD). Yeah I do use the word 'she' a lot, because the poem is in third person, and like you said, I don't see much of a way around that. I think the repetition of the personal pronoun would stand out less if I switched it poem to first person, but I was trying to create an air of detachment or separation from self, and I don't believe second person would be appropriate in this instance.

I'm not sure about restructuring the format of the third stanza. you're right, it does break from the form a bit. I like the pauses where they are, but maybe that can be accomplished by punctuation? I'm going to play with that a bit I think.

Right on the dash for sure there, I tacked it on because I wasn't sure if I needed punctuation there or not. I prefer it gone. *goes to edit*

Leja wrote:Look first at just the first word of every line. Do you note how most of them are the same? Repetition can be a useful technique, but when used unconsciously, it can have a negative effect as well.

leja wrote:

All the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.

Okay, you've captured my heart with personification ^_^ However! Look to the third line I quoted above and notice how it's different from, for example, the second line quoted. Do you see how in the second line, there is such rich, thick description from only a few words? Flowers were bleeding. And then in the line that follows it, she's only speaking. It sounds rather bland in the contrast. Maybe see how you can combine the third and fourth lines of that stanza?

leja wrote:

She wished to grow a mermaid tail
And breathe out.
The water would be heavy
And still
While everything was grey.

I think this stanza could use some more unity. I don't understand what breathing out has to do with a mermaid tail? And the phrase that continues from that point to the end seems only half completed, like there's another part to the sentence that wasn't included.

leja wrote:

She wrote a book of dreams
In morning that held its breath.
For every thought a new page
And every word a new line -
She felt it was hollow
The few tinny words in her mind.

This stanza seems a little choppy; I think you keep stopping it with punctuation. Continue the first phrase throughout the rest of the stanza to make it flow a little better.

She watched the news
And tried to hear the words they said,
Every star at night is burning
As they name the dead.

Look first at just the first word of every line. Do you note how most of them are the same? Repetition can be a useful technique, but when used unconsciously, it can have a negative effect as well.

All the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.

She wished to grow a mermaid tail
And breathe out.
The water would be heavy
And still
While everything was grey.

She wrote a book of dreams
In morning that held its breath.
For every thought a new page
And every word a new line -
She felt it was hollow
The few tinny words in her mind.

She watched the news
And tried to hear the words they said,
Every star at night is burning
As they name the dead.

I thought it was pretty, but it could be spruced up a bit.

You repeated "She" an awful lot for a short piece. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for changing it.

I also thought the rhythm in your third stanza was weird because there were some long and short lines. I'd move "heavy" down a line. Perhaps make "a mermaid tail" its own line.

You don't need the dash after "And every word a new line".

Other than that, I liked it! Keep writing!

She walked out onto the street
And saw that all was ash
And no photographs were made.

All the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.

She wished to grow a mermaid tail
And breathe out.
The water would be heavy
And still
While everything was grey.

She wrote a book of dreams
In morning that held its breath.
For every thought a new page
And every word a new line -
She felt it was hollow
The few tinny words in her mind. - "tinny?'

She watched the news
And tried to hear the words they said,
Every star at night is burning
As they name the dead.

I sort of don't get this poem. I mean, its well written and all, and I'm not that smart -
So I don't get it The words you used were very descriptive and great
and thats really all I can say -
because I'm in homeroom
and the bell rang. ADIOS!
KEEP WRITING!