Published March 10, 2008
Small Life, Empty Space
*
She walked out onto the street
And saw that all was ash
And no photographs were made.
All the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.
She wished to grow a mermaid tail
And breathe out,
The water would be heavy
And still
While everything was grey.
She wrote a book of dreams
In morning that held its breath,
For every thought a new page
And every word a new line.
She felt it was hollow,
The tinny words in her mind.
She watched the news
And tried to hear the words they said,
Every star at night is burning
As they name the dead.
*
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,418 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
The second line sounds lame. And no photographs? It just... that's not a very good beginning because it doesn't catch and it's weird, but not in a pretty way. I would combine the first couple stanzas together like this:
She walked out onto the street
And saw that all
the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.
She wished to grow a mermaid tail
And breathe out, <---Not descriptive enough.
The water would be heavy <--- To the chemistry student, this makes me want to cringe because "heavy water" means that there are H3O molecules in there and... yeah... can't you pick a better description???
And still
While everything was grey. <--- I would rewrite these two lines.
And still--
Everything was grey.
It just is more fluidy to me. For something about water, it's strange how awkward and stiff this stanza is.
She wrote a book of dreams
In morning that held its breath,
For every thought a new page
And every word a new line.
She felt it was hollow, <--- The "it" here doesn't work.
The tinny words in her mind.
She watched the news
And tried to hear the words they said,
Every star at night is burning
As they name the dead.
Good.
So! I hope that was helpful.
This might be a little confusing but...I was captured by the work I just didn't get it. Um...Maybe you should work on this so it's a little more fluient as well. PM when you do that.
D7M
It was a little difficult to understand but when I read it again I kind of understood the meaning of the whole poem. It is very interesting. Keep writing!!
Thanks, LovableLittleSock! But careful with that internet browsing during school hours *wags finger*
Oh, and tinny, I usually hear that in reference to sounds quality, like if a stereo sounds 'tinny' it sounds cheap and flat and weak. I think it also is a reference to 'tinned' or canned food. but yeah, it means cheap or inadequate.
thanks, niteowl (your icon is hypnotic btw XD). Yeah I do use the word 'she' a lot, because the poem is in third person, and like you said, I don't see much of a way around that. I think the repetition of the personal pronoun would stand out less if I switched it poem to first person, but I was trying to create an air of detachment or separation from self, and I don't believe second person would be appropriate in this instance.
I'm not sure about restructuring the format of the third stanza. you're right, it does break from the form a bit. I like the pauses where they are, but maybe that can be accomplished by punctuation? I'm going to play with that a bit I think.
Right on the dash for sure there, I tacked it on because I wasn't sure if I needed punctuation there or not. I prefer it gone. *goes to edit*
yes, I believe unknowing repetition can sound very amateur and ungainly, however I was writing with an ear to a simplistic, spare style, since this is a poem about disassociation and quiet, measured loneliness. So my reuse of common phrases is pretty much intentional. If it is intentional, do you still disagree/dislike it? could you say a little more about your reaction to style?
here's where our opinions differ, because I'm still unsure about the 'bled' line, because it could suggest actual bleeding, when the stanza is basically about ineffectualness, an inability to communicate. flowers = inspiration or ideas and yet bearing them on your palms would be a handicap. Speaking in rose petals is about only being able to speak in soft niceties and inconsequentials when you really meant to say something else.
out of curiousity, how would you phrase the last two lines of the stanza, given your druthers?
hmm, this seems to a be a bit of a sticky wicket stanza. This stanza is about surrender, or longing to surrender. About going under the water as a metaphor for hibernation or abeyance or giving up. I view it in that context so it makes sense to me, but maybe it's not clear to others. maybe I just have it punctuated wrong?
could you, or someone offer suggestions on how to make the implications more clear?
I think the choppiness here was intentional, although I believe I have this stanza improperly punctuated. again. and the word 'few' should be taken out.
This is the best stanza. "Dead" nicely sums up the more dismal imagery in the rest of the poem, and seems to give light to the poem as a whole. However, I still see a lot of stanzas shoved into one space and individually tied to the last stanza; I don't see a unified poem. Notice how each stanza stops at its last line? Maybe if they were more connected, if they continued each other some how, it would be better.
Happy writing![/quote]
I don't know, maybe the stanzas are disconnected, but they were all written from the same perspective and mindset. And since the poem is about loneliness, intellectuality and a sort of existential ennui perhaps a a little disconnectivity is appropriate, no?
ah, well, further discussion and concrit welcomed!
Look first at just the first word of every line. Do you note how most of them are the same? Repetition can be a useful technique, but when used unconsciously, it can have a negative effect as well.
Okay, you've captured my heart with personification ^_^ However! Look to the third line I quoted above and notice how it's different from, for example, the second line quoted. Do you see how in the second line, there is such rich, thick description from only a few words? Flowers were bleeding. And then in the line that follows it, she's only speaking. It sounds rather bland in the contrast. Maybe see how you can combine the third and fourth lines of that stanza?
I think this stanza could use some more unity. I don't understand what breathing out has to do with a mermaid tail? And the phrase that continues from that point to the end seems only half completed, like there's another part to the sentence that wasn't included.
This stanza seems a little choppy; I think you keep stopping it with punctuation. Continue the first phrase throughout the rest of the stanza to make it flow a little better.
This is the best stanza. "Dead" nicely sums up the more dismal imagery in the rest of the poem, and seems to give light to the poem as a whole. However, I still see a lot of stanzas shoved into one space and individually tied to the last stanza; I don't see a unified poem. Notice how each stanza stops at its last line? Maybe if they were more connected, if they continued each other some how, it would be better.
Happy writing!
I thought it was pretty, but it could be spruced up a bit.
You repeated "She" an awful lot for a short piece. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for changing it.
I also thought the rhythm in your third stanza was weird because there were some long and short lines. I'd move "heavy" down a line. Perhaps make "a mermaid tail" its own line.
You don't need the dash after "And every word a new line".
Other than that, I liked it! Keep writing!
She walked out onto the street
The words you used were very descriptive and great
And saw that all was ash
And no photographs were made.
All the lights were sleeping
And flowers bled from her palms.
She spoke in rose petals,
In soft tones of dismay.
She wished to grow a mermaid tail
And breathe out.
The water would be heavy
And still
While everything was grey.
She wrote a book of dreams
In morning that held its breath.
For every thought a new page
And every word a new line -
She felt it was hollow
The few tinny words in her mind. - "tinny?'
She watched the news
And tried to hear the words they said,
Every star at night is burning
As they name the dead.
I sort of don't get this poem. I mean, its well written and all, and I'm not that smart -
So I don't get it
and thats really all I can say -
because I'm in homeroom
and the bell rang. ADIOS!
KEEP WRITING!