*
I had a dream,
I held your hand in it,
Curled to your side,
Such a feeling of desperate tenderness
Binding down my ribs.
I shifted my had against yours,
Feeling calluses,
And a sense of finite --
Always so very finite –
Respite there.
Upon waking
These images I soon deny
As another of my strange visions
Like when I pause upon the stair
And imagine that fall or trip
Or, holding scissors
See my hand to slip and cut
Hair, or clothes,
Or any of my concocted deviations
That form without conscious thought
And blind me for a moment
Here and there.
Or as when I pictured how to let
My fingers brush yours –
You would hardly have suspected my intent –
While we worked our great endeavour,
And with every contriving fore-thought
Made myself a coward
Who could not act.
What a treacherous thing it was,
To share in those labours,
That striving,
To let blossom a feeling of
Camaraderie,
Sympathy,
The small ghosts of which must now wander
In the halls and tunnels of my mind –
A dim and drafty place
With dark panels and half-stair turnings
And small tucked away bits of nonsense
On occasional tables –
These ghosts have twisted and fragmented,
Started to ferment
And come back to me as unnatural things,
Ridiculous affection,
Unwanted.
That must be the sum-total substance
Behind these cloying –
Though not romantic,
Most certainly not –
Useless feelings
Which I must pack away,
And carry and ignore.
And with every small reunion between us
Dismiss a distant trembling
Of something too diffuse to name
And turn away my face
From our sweet report
And systematically discard
Every soft feeling
Until they fade from neglect,
And this undesirous,
Heatless,
Crushing devotion
Lingers no more
But even now my mind brings forth that night,
When it seemed our task was drawing in,
And our work was winding down,
I could feel naught but melancholy,
My usefulness seeming soon to end,
And as I looked up at you in the strange low light
I was transfixed by your every aspect –
The sight of your hair,
curling and soft about your face
so oddly,
so profoundly intimate –
I would have been content, then,
To sit at your feet,
To stand at your right hand
For an endless time,
Until time unwound,
And bare that poignant adoration –
And if that night too must be forgotten,
Our last small rest before the last great storm,
Then I must fail to pay ransom for sense
And reason,
That one thing
I cannot let go.
removed the intro as per reccommendation, not sure about any furhter editing yet, I almost think this whole poem would be better off scrapped, what do you think? It's just sort of ponderous. Prose with funny line breaks, as they say, rather than 'poetry'
First, a brief non-critique: I think that part of why this hasn't gotten many responses is because you began by telling us that it's written to work out some feelings. I'll bet many people see this as being something too emotionally-impacted to be objectively critiqued and as a result, have read it and moved on. How to avoid this? I'd suggest not putting a preface at the beginning of your work. That might absolutely be untrue, but it's just a passing theory =)
Now onto the poem!
This poem has a lot of unnecessary words in it. I know that sounds really, really strange, so I'll definitely explain.
The second line says "I held your hand in it". At this point, the only other information we have about the poem/situation is the first line, "I had a dream", so we know that if you're holding someone's hand, it's probably within the context of a dream, making the "in it" unnecessary. It's a similar thing with "Binding down my ribs". When talking about ribs, could they be bound up? Would it matter? (I really like the word "binding" here, by the way).
Sometimes, more words means enriched story and description. Think "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" vs. the story of the Fox and the Hound. Sometimes, though, more words means more distance from the story, and I think that might be what's happening here.
How much conciseness is too much, though? That's where the creativity comes in. Too many words and the story is at risk of being lost in the shuffle. Not enough words, and your reader won't have a clue what's going on. For example, I think that the line "See my hand to slip and cut" in the second stanza can get rid of the word "to" but I think that the lines "And a sense of finite -- / Always so very finite --" are lovely and necessary, even though literally, they basically say the same thing.
So in short, I think that this poem could benefit from a lot of word-trimming, but only because it doesn't really need those extra words--the poem and its story come across genuinely enough without them.
You deserve a better critique than I am able to give you, but I will do my best to explain what I thought about this poem.
I enjoyed how you took a classic subject matter, but made your poem different. I don't feel as though I've read this before...It was relateable and real. I loved your focus on the platonic--almost as if nothing else was there. At times, I felt as if you were conveying exactly what I was feeling, but in a much more beautiful way. I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into this poem, and you should be proud.
I'm just going to work down your poem chronologically.
Stanza One
Have you considered making the first stanza longer? Compared to your others, it seems a bit off and I think lengthening it would fix the problem. Also, try getting rid of the "in it" on the 2nd line; it's unnecessary. I absolutely ADORE the last 3 lines.
Stanza Two
I love the "see my hand to slip and cut..." and how it goes from there. The beginning of the stanza up to "see my hand to slip and cut..." is not as powerful. I know you need to say what you said for the reader to fully understand, but I would consider re-wording those first few lines, because compared to the incredible, meaningful rest, they don't stand par.
Stanza Three
Try starting with "How trecherous it was" rather than what you had; it was a little bit too long and wordy. I love your description of the tunnels of your mind. It adds mystery.
Stanza Four
Think about beginning with "It" rather than "That." It sounds a bit awkward. Also, try getting rid of the "And" before "carry and ignore;" it's also unnecessary and more powerful without it. What do you mean by "too diffuse"? I'm confused about it. I like how you said "systematically discard"-it was worded beautifully. You need a period at the end.
Stanza Five
I like how you remienesce. Try shortening line 7 to something like: "I was transfixed. Every aspect: the..." It doesn't flow well with the rest of the poem because of its length. I'm not sure I like the ending. The rest of the poem was so wonderful, the ending was sort of a let down. And I don't understand what you mean by "Then I must fail to pay ransom for sense." Why is it ransom? Is sense being taken from you? Who is taking it? Is it the guy? Why MUST you fail? It confused me.
Overall, I loved your poem. Everything I just said were only suggestions I hope might help you make it even better. I also encourage you to get rid of the disclaimer on the top. I preferred reading it without the background; it lets me interpret the poem in my own way. I really enjoyed reading this. Please keep writing (:
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