~It was quiet, late in the open battle field of Serinia. The elves were still hiding in the trees ready to fire upon the enemy at any given moment. The orcs were underground waiting for a signal to attack. The barbarions, on the other hand, betrayed the elves before, but they let it slide. Now they were hiding. They knew that if they ran they would die. If they attacked they would die. If they waited, eventually they would die. Nothing to do except to pick out the others one by one. Normally, they would easily defeat their enemy. Now that the enemy was in groups of fifties, maybe sixties or seventies or eighties, the task would not be such an easy one.~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Dude, I'm your friend, now trust me GET WRITING!
Please don't post a paragraph again, fantasy fiction critters want meat to get there teeth stuck into which can be a short story or chapters from a working novel. Why do people continuously post a single paragraph. Its simply not enough to go into depth with: We cant get into the characters, analyze the plot or get an overview of the tone or point of view.
These threads should be deleted.
nice but what happens before then
Readers choose not to read textbooks instead of stories for a reason; don't relay facts in lists and boring tone. Don't give me balanced agruments and situation, give me someone to care for, someone to cheer for. Mix in a character with all of this, give it from his/her perspectives.
Also, you might want to consider straying from the cliche here. Either read more, or put more thought into what you write. The barabarians are simply barbarians, the elves wait to fire upon their enemy, probably with grace and unearthly skill, from within forests, and orcs sulk about in nasty places.
Think about things. Would you want to pay money to read this?
- Andy
The first paragraph shows that you have thought it through which is good but i want to see more. This paragraph is nice but the real question is: D
oes it tie in and flow with the rest of the chapter and novel?
This does sound a lot like an opening paragraph. I'd like to see more before I can give you a proper critique.
Oh and you misspelt "barbarians."
-St. Razorblade
This is only an opening paragraph - it could probably do with a bit more
.
.
I'd say - connect the reader with a character here. Just heaping information on the reader won't keep them interessted. Although, this is only the opening, so maybe you'll introduce your character soon enough.
Anyways, you've given some thought to your world (always good) and have given us a quick glance into the history of it. As your story progresses, you'll want to expand on this (although don't describe it all in one go: that'd put the reader off), to lower us into your world.
Keep on writing