Well, this is my fourth and final attempt at getting this right.It took a while to rewrite this because I warped my story a great deal. The beginning has been altered a bit but it still remains somewhat similar, the story is just completely different now. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. NOTE: THIS IS NOT MY ENTIRE PROLOGUE ONLY THE BEGINNING PIECE. DEPENDING ON THE REACTION THIS GETS I MAY PUT UP THE REST WHEN I FINISH IT.
The Tales of Arc
Bellin observed his prey through a shattered mask of calm, weaving along the crowded city streets in what seemed to be a ceaseless pursuit. Little more than a shadow amongst the masses, his blending was flawless, his movement concealed by baggy, worn clothing and his head tilted slightly as to bury his frustration beneath the brim of his hood.
Of all places he had to choose Rave’s Territory Bellin thought, barely able to keep silent I can’t….I-I mean….this needs to end NOW!
It was odd for someone so experienced to have broken so simply. That “stalker’s reserve” he had always prided himself on had melted away in but a short hour on the chase. That had been a while ago and where that callus of hardened detachment had shed lay a pink tender spot of aggression which transformed the simple discomforts of the hunt into sufferings. The blazing midday sun harassed him relentlessly, the voices of merchants taking part in the town bazaar pierced through his skin, and the wide eyed townsfolk, gawking at every single thing for sale, purposely formed a living, nearly impenetrable barricade, or so he saw things.
With great effort, Bellin was able to tear himself from dwelling on his anger and refocused upon his mark who had just turned off the main road and into an alleyway.
Finally, he rejoiced.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you lethero for pointing out the grammatical errors. I have fixed them now and would be greatful for any opinions as to whether or not my story is compelling enough so far. I really care about the level of interest this sets in the reader so please let me know what you think on that matter.
I found only one section wrong in here.
The thought does not need quotation marks and the underlined part does no need to be italisized. Otherwise I saw nothin' wrong with it. Keep Writin'
I could be a serious dousche about the fact that you ignored my story and asked me a question I've had to answer about a million times Kyte, but I won't.
Son
Of
Pure
Fire
There you go. That answers your question.
Just out of curiosity, what does your name stand for?
Well, this is it, my final revision of this story. Whether or not it is liked I'm going to continue it just because I want to actually finish a story for once, not that your opinions aren't important. There still isn't much but I plan to add more very soon. Oh, and thank you for responding to my PM Alainna and reading my story earlier. I should have enough for you to be able to critique me this time so please do so.
Hoping to see some new posts soon,
SOPF
Hm.....I know you asked me to review this but all I can say is there hardly is anything to review. All I can do is echo what the others have said. Please try to post more. I enjoyed this last time and would love to see how you've changed it.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx
Yeah, sorry it took such a long time for me to revisit this story, I just had some things going on in real life that I had to deal with.
Squallz, I do remember you from my last posting and would like to thank you for helping me out in everything I've written on this site.
I took what you and Myth said in to account, or tried to, and this new draft is the product.
Hopefully it'll prove to be more attention grabbing and, if you didn't notice the capitals letters above the prologue, this is just a revised version of the beginning.
It is not the entire thing by any means and even if what I have written as of now seems cliched the rest of the chapter will prove to be very original.
I'll give you one hint, it invovles killing a baby.
I know that sounds gruesome but it will work. Oh yea and thank you Myth as well for your help.
I second Squallz.
You seem to ramble on a while and your sentences run into each other, making it difficult to know where to pause or carry on.
If you find the prologue a bother why not post the rest of the chapters and then try to see how you could fit it into your work? That way it would be a lot easier to write up.
Myth
Hi SOPF, remember me? First of all, is this only part of the prologue, or is it just the whole thing. If it is the whole thing, it feels short.
I think it was ok. The piece didn't draw my attention because it was mostly telling stuff. You need to show more of the environment and of the character's so that the reader can relate more to your story. You managed to do that in the part 2 of your old prologue, but in here you didn't. Near the end, you ramble over things which I couldn't care less if I was not hooked into the story in the first place.
Basically said, show don't tell. Expand on details and show your character's actions and features so that he becomes realistic.
I hope this helped.