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Young Writers Society



The Tales of Arc (Prologue Pt 2)

by SOPF


This is a continuation from where I left off in the first part. IMO this is the better portion of the prologue. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Once the knights were a safe distance away, Bellin removed himself from his wooden concealment.

The moment had finally come. Destiny beckoned and Bellin heard its call. Looking not but a street's length away, he could see his destination, the Temple of the Phoenix.

With as much stealth and speed as he could muster, Bellin dashed across the span separating him from the temple. The building was massive, towering nearly fifty feet above the ground, but oddly, no damage had seemed to come to its exterior. The giant, wooden door, the white, stone walls, even the stained glass windows remained in pristine condition while all that surrounded it lay disheveled and charred. In fact, it, the temple, seemed to be exuding an aura of light as if in defiance of the invaders' triumph.

Bellin had notice all of those that as he opened the door and passed the threshold, but he hadn't the time to marvel at the temple's state for what awaited him inside was a much more pressing matter. The interior was just as mysteriously undisturbed. The rows of benches which stood on either side of the room's center aisle, the strip of carpet leading from the front entrance to the far end along that same aisle, and the pedestal for the leader of the sermon which was positioned just at the carpeting's end all below a mural depicting a fiery bird embracing the world in its flaming exuberance, it all seemed so familiar.

Every detail was exactly how he remembered, tranquil and quiet, just as the city had once been. Those new surroundings seemed to influence Bellin, and all doubt began to fade from his mind, overwhelmed by a sense of calm.

He walked over to the pedestal and rested Arc on its flat top. He then pulled down Arc's cloth cover, exposing his right arm and back, and grasped a small carving knife from a sheath at his waist. With the blade raised above his son, Bellin became hesitant. His desire to protect Arc was strong but his fatherly instincts ebbed at his heart.

"Arc, understand that I do this only to bring you safety and give you a chance at life," Bellin poured out in an apologetic tone. Having reassured himself with those words, he secured Arc's arm against the wood of the pedestal and began carving a set of runes into his skin. The blade was just deep enough to draw blood but, even so, it took all of Bellin's strength to become so indifferent that he could ignore the incessant cries of his child.

Like a true artisan, Bellin carved a masterpiece of curves and intricate designs along Arc's arm and, once done, he flipped the boy so he lay on his stomach and continued working upon his back.

It wasn't until the entirety of Arc's back glistened crimson that Bellin removed the knife. Looking down at his art, he felt satisfied. Then, using the cloth, he wiped the blood from Arc's body revealing an array of symbols which met upon the width of his, Arc's, upper back, forming the image of a bird much like the one shown in the mural above them. Arc's cries lessened as the pain from the wounds subsided and, within a minute or so, completely ceased.

At the sight of his injured so, Bellin's emotions stirred. He felt sickened with himself and was almost brought to tears, but he knew the entire ordeal would be done with soon. He knelt beside the pedestal and clasped his hands together while focusing on a window at the temple's back wall.

"Oh, great Phoenix, father of humanity, it is I Bellin, your humble follower. I have acted upon your bidding and now, in my hour of need, I beg you to follow through on your offerings. Deliver my son from the horrors of this city and grant him the power to save this land and its people from the sufferings which threaten to consume them," Bellin pleaded. For a few moments he remained still, awaiting an answer, until a spark of flame came to life just above Arc. He, Bellin, watched as the flame grew, eventually blazing with vigor and finally embracing his son, but rather than yelp in pain Arc appeared to be at ease within the fire.

The Phoenix had answered and Arc's reaction had it made it obvious. "I thank you'" Bellin said as the flames grew so vibrant that he could no longer see his child.

A short time after, the blaze began to recede and he could see that his son was no longer contained in its embers. Knowing that all was well and that he had done everything he possibly could, Bellin's vision shifted back to the window and the fearful sight which had arisen in its display. His face contorted to an expression of fright and rage for what could be seen was the precursor to to the sufferings he had previously described.

Far off in the distant skies the omen could be seen. A mass of flame, much like those which had ensnared Arc, shone in the appearance of a fearsome dragon. Bellin knew what the insignia meant but that would have to a battle for another day because, just as the thought of new, possible threats entered his mind, a trio of the invading knights bound in through the temple doors.

"It appears a survivor has slipped through our fingers. We wouldn't want to have to report a failure to the general would we men?" snickered the man who seemed to be leading the group.

Bellin looked about the men and their dingy green armor, relieved that he no longer had a reason to suppress his fury.

"How dare you enter the house of the great creator with such taint clinging to your souls. I will not allow you to desecrate these grounds with your presence any further!" Bellin roared.

"The great creator?" The leader questioned, "So, then you must be the one. The ridiculous, self-proclaimed prophet who claims to speak with the "Almighty Phoenix". Bellin, right? Well, "prophet" know that it is not our souls which are tainted but yours, for if not for your accusations of the coming second rising then we wouldn't have needed to siphon off you and your little town here."

"Yes, your right. The responsibility for this town's leveling does weigh upon and I may never be able to repent for my faults but,......" Bellin stopped as an odd yet familiar sensation ran through out his body. Almost immediately his demeanor began to change from that of a civilized man into one more befitting a beast. From his pupils extended slashes of red where brown had once resided, his shoulder blades slid into positions further apart from each other, and his upper body slumped downward as his leg set into a sturdy, wide stance. He grasped the handle of his knife in a grip which threatened to shatter it and dashed towards the men without a second of hesitation or warning.

"But I would rather die attempting to claim vengeance for my fallen loved ones than live with this guilt!" Bellin finished as the men unsheathed their weapons.


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Wed Aug 01, 2007 10:09 am
Alainna wrote a review...



"Write rather than Steal! Write rather than Steal!" Sorry, mob mentality...only kidding. But JC is right.

OK. This was another good piece. Maybe not as absorbing as it could be but very good.

Bellin had notice all of those that as he opened the door and passed the threshold, but he hadn't the time to marvel at the temple's state for what awaited him inside was a much more pressing matter.


This confused me. Should it be noticed? Or hadn't? It doesn't make much sense to me.

At the sight of his injured so, Bellin's emotions stirred.

*son.

He felt sickened with himself and was almost brought to tears, but he knew the entire ordeal would be done with soon.


You can probably describe his feelings a lot better than this. From your previous writing I know you can write a bit better than that!

As JC pointed out, the whole symbolic markings on Arc was a bit...touchy. If the baby was small, this could be really dangerous. But like-wise, if not a lot of blood was spilled, the scars would probably fade and go in about 10 years. Be careful with your wording, try to get Bellin more upset over what he is doing to his son.

My main tip is to quicken up the pace of this part. It's alright as it is, but action needs to be fast and it's not quite there yet.

Having said that I like this and hope you post more soon.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xxxxx




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Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:23 am
JC wrote a review...



The rows of benches which stood on either side of the room's center aisle, the strip of carpet leading from the front entrance to the far end along that same aisle, and the pedestal for the leader of the sermon which was positioned just at the carpeting's end all below a mural depicting a fiery bird embracing the world in its flaming exuberance, it all seemed so familiar.

Run on-on-on-on-on-on-on-on-on-on-on-on...you get the point. I'm sure this can be shortened into many smaller, more coherant sentences.

Ah, tres good. Although, I could see this all in a video game, that's okay. It was good. I have no complaints. =D

One thought did cross my mind however, Arc, his father carved something on him? I can only assume that you intend those marks to stay, kind-of a symbolic thing right? Well, if the marks were not deep enough to draw sufficent blood, possibly to kill such a young child, then I doubt that without outside help the marks would fade eventually. If you intend to keep them, I suggest you think of an explanation =D

Other than that, very good job. I look forward to seeing the future chapters!!!

Keep up the good work!
-JC

PS- I'm sure you can trust people on this site not to steal your work. I trust everybody here, they're all great people. We would rather write than steal =D




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 3:30 pm
SOPF says...



Thanks guys for the replies. By the way my name is Daniel not David but atleast you remembered the D.

Anyway, I'm glad to see the positive feedback. I know how cliched chosen ones are and that's why it took me 2 years to create an original chosen one scenario. The funny thing is, this is why I love my prologue, this is where my prologue ends. From this point the story leaves Bellin in the heart of battle and focuses on Arc. It's a serious cliffhanger and that's why I made it that way. Hopefully it'll make readers want to continue.

Fantasyartist, I made the first correction you said but I wasn't sure on what to do about the second one.

Although I fear that someone will steal my work, if I continue to geet possitive replies like these I may put up the next chapter to the story.
PEACE......




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:58 am
Fan wrote a review...



The building was massive, towering nearly fifty feet above the ground, but oddly, being such a tremendous site, no damage had seemed to come to its exterior.

-The bit highlighted in red is irrelevent information and jars the flow of the sentence. I advise that you drop it.

Those new surroundings seemed to influence Bellin, and all doubt began to fade from his mind, overwhelmed by a sense of calm.

-Not sure about this one, but should it be the?

I can see Bellin developing into an interesting character, and as Squallz says, be very careful when treading around things like destiny and such. Things can easily turn very cliched and most people instantly shut off when they read such stuff. Put something unique into the mix so that readers are kept interested.

Apart from these minor quibbles, I likey!




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:04 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hey Daniel. Now that is what I call a prologue! Right into the action!

I liked how you describe the temple and the emotion it portrayed. It was intruging and I was actually pondering over it.

The writing in this is simple and easy to follow. I actually managed to read this without stopping. Kudos to you on that ^^

I'm starting to see Bellin's personality and he seems like a promising character as your novel progresses.

You are also very good at dialogue. It flows so well, so natural. I could picture them talking, something similar to Final Fantasy 12 ( I think FF12 was the best in dialogue and realism of characters)

Overall, this shows a strong making of a story. You really do have something going there. I really do! Just remember to not rely on destiny so much and that there is a twist for a chosen one (chosen ones in stories are becoming an annoying cliche nowadays.)

Andy





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