Long ago , there lived a jolly baker in a village . The baker owned a popular baker known as Little Magic . The baker had a beautiful wife and both of them were very , very happy together . Their life was almost perfect . The only missing piece of their life was a child . One day the baker was in his bakery baking bread , he suddenly sighed “ Oh ! How I wish I had a child ! When I shall die who will I leave my beautiful bakery to ”. Just then a bearded man appeared out of thin air . “ Ahh ! Who are you ? Ahhh ! Ghoooosttt !””exclaimed .The bearded man said “ You fool ! I am certainly not a ghost ! I am an honorable wizard ! I have taken pity on you , I will grant you one wish . ” Said the so called wizard sternly . “ Oh ! How I wish for a child ! Can you ghost - wizard make that happen ! ” exclaimed the baker . “Yes , I can . Here take this flour and make bread with it . But you don’t eat it give it to your wife or else you will turn tiny like an ant . ” warned the wizard . The baker was very happy . On his way home he met his old friend , his friend asked what was in his hand . The baker replied “Oh ! This ! This is magic wheat to make bread ! Now I got to go. Bye !” replied the jolly baker . By the time the baker reached home and told his wife the entire incident it was pretty late . So the baker decided to bake the magic bread the next day .But at night the bakers jealous friend snuck into the baker’s house !
The baker was surprised not to find the magic wheat . Meanwhile the toxic friend started baking the bread , in hopes of some superpowers but little did he know that the baker had told him half the truth . The bread was finally ready . He ate the delicious smelling bread and instantly turned tiny. Meanwhile the baker was tearing up, his only hope of having a son was gone . Suddenly the same so called honorable wizard came out of the blue . He said “ I have taken pity again on you peasant. I shall give you one last chance. Oh I hope I did not make a mistake . Here take this seed and plant it . The next day a flower will bloom , crush it and mix it with water . Then have your wife have the water. ” said the wizard. The baker did so the next day and the magic worked The baker and his wife lived happily ever after .
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138,387 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Heya SMulki!
For example:
Welcome in Young Writers Society, great to have you here! It might not be autumn yet, but that doesn’t mean that NovemberCrow can’t leave a review on your story, so let’s go!
I found your story a really nice little piece! It’s great to see newbie writers on YWS, too. Your story is structured very much like a fairy tale - reading it transported me back to my childhood, as I can totally imagine this piece being published in a story collection. You use a lot of tropes found in fairy tales - the characters of the elderly, happy couple, the wizard who grants a wish, the jealous neighbor who doesn't get what he wished for in return for his behavior... All a nostalgia-bringing stuff
I really like that you have bits of humor in the story too, it makes the whole story feel very lighthearted and nice to read! If this is one of your first works, hats off to you indeed!
Here are some tips that might help you in your future writing:
- You don’t need to put spaces between diacritics (periods, commas, quotation marks, etc.)! The text is much easier to read
Should be written as
- Reading is also much clearer if the dialogues of each character are on separate lines! For example: in dialogue between wizard and baker, there would be new line anytime new person starts speaking. Line for baker, line of wizard, line for baker and so on!
Have a nice rest of day/night/whatever is in your timezone and stay safe!
- Kay, your local (friendly) crow
Hello SMulki,
Scenery is the big thing I can tell you. Once you you define your scene, make sure you know where the story is headed. Not much else I can say with this one.Keep writing though.
Hey there! I got a few tips that could help you out!
Overall, for your first story, this is lovely! It sits nice and it reminds me of a fairy tale I would read to the little's to help whisk them to sleep. That's a beautiful thing. And, to be honest, just from reading this, I see a younger me. You should take pride in the fact that you've gotten at least a story out. The more you write, the more comfort you'll find with your writing style, and soon you'll skyrocket! That being said, let's continue?
One of the first thing I'd suggest is paragraphs. As a starting writer, it's easy to ignore these and block everything up into one giant word wall, but this can confuse your reader. You want your story to flow and sit comfortably, both in words and on your paper... or screen. I'll tell you as teachers typically do. When the scene changes, or you move on to a new topic, make a paragraph. When someone speaks, make a new paragraph for the speech. This makes it cleaner and easier to read. It always makes less of a headache for both you and your reader. An example for this would be something like;
"...Dakota hesitantly meets her gaze. She's awfully close and she has to lean back and look up to be more comfortable.
"Sergeant." The lieutenant's..."
Or;
"...no effort to accept that they were dating. It was a silent agreement instead.
In the kitchen, Khailen was baking..."
These are two are examples of a paragraph change for speech, and a paragraph change for a new scene/focus. That's what the indent is for. That's another thing!
When you start a new paragraph, you add the indent, or about 5 spaces, before starting your sentence! This helps separate your new paragraph and old paragraph to avoid confusion. This can be helpful when your paragraph is running on, and during your switch, your still focusing on one thing. This helps keep it nice and clean through the transition and, just like paragraphs, something teachers will always tell you to do.
I would also recommend comma's. While you don't necessarily have to use comma's a lot, I would recommend them to merge your sentences better. I personally love overusing comma's, but that's just the kind of writer I am. Comma's help keep your sentence from running on, especially when it's still one sentence and not a new one. For example, instead of writing;
"...shifts her hands out picking up the shards of glass..."
I would add a comma at the end of "out", separating it from "picking", but it would still be one sentence. So it would be;
"...shifts her hands out*,* picking up the shards of glass..."
The last thing I noticed, but I won't speak much on, is you're spacing. Though, I don't think that was you, I think that might've just been from importing or typing on the website. I have that problem too when importing or pasting my works from docs to YWS. But I would suggest that when you import your work, to thoroughly go through and edit it with the YWS format. It takes a little getting used to, but it comes quickly after a while.
Other than that, for your first story, I think you did a wonderful job! Your use of words was really good, and honestly, the title is what hooked me in. Kudo's to you, kiddo!
Keep writing! I believe in you! I can't wait for more stories to come, kinda left us off on a blunt ending :')
~Taost
(P.S. You might catch another toasted friend and a few crows with a title like that.... That's a good thing."
I really hope you like it this is my first time .