Young Writers Society

Hiya,

So I like this a lot, and I think everyone in the world can somehow relate to this. Anyways, you did a good job with description of everything, and you were pretty good with punctuation and grammar and such. However, I noticed about five things that need to be changed or that I found strange.

1. You need a comma between long and graceful in the first line.
2. Right after that, in the second line, "Radiating a laidback air." is a fragment. I don't know if you used it as a stylistic thing, but I think - if it was stylistic - it is a bit strange.
3. I think it would be a bit better if you had a comma between another and tripping in "one after another tripping over each other"
4. "She would rather throw herself deep into a book, then interact with any of them." Here, you should take the comma out and replace then with than. (then is like after and than is the comparison)
5. "And yet she has it all, and would love nothing better than to throw it away. " You do not need the comma there because it is not followed by an independent clause. The rule is that a comma is only needed before a conjunction (the fan boys) if the conjunction is followed by an independent clause. If it is a dependent clause, the comma is not needed.

So if you fix those five little things, this will be all the better.

I liked this and I thought it had a lot of potential, but to be honest, the ending left me wanting. Good writing though, and I'd love to see more, whether you thought about doing more is a completely different story, however. Great job

Wow, we'll done! That was very good!

Well first off I would just like to say it was very impressive!
I was deeply enjoyed the short piece and and impressed that would move me that much.
I think you have a peticular talent and I would definitely like to see more off your work!
Onto nitpicking,

I would like to say (sorry for the nitpicking) that maybe you could separate the different lines in the story to structure your poem out and seek more attention to particular passages.

Also some parts where slightly confusing and I would like to review those:

Firstly, for this part

Her long graceful movements flowing everywhere she goes.

I don't think that it was the best choice of words there.

Also the next part.

Radiating a laid back air

I think you could join those sentences together

Apart from a few grammar mistakes I thought you did an awesome job!

Hi there!

First of all, welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy it here!

I think this poem of yours could use a structure. When there is no structure, and presented the way you have presented this poem, it can easily be mistaken as a prose. If you can't seem to cut it into paragraphs/stanzas. try something like a free verse:

Look at her.
She is everything you are not.
Her long graceful movements flowing effortlessly everywhere she goes.
Radiating a laidback air.
She glows with the warmth of the sun.
She's everything you are not.
You want so desperately to hate her.
They fall deeply and clumsily in love with her,
one after another tripping over each other,
all so eagerly hoping to just get the smallest glimmer of her affection.
She is unimpressed, annoyed in fact.
She would rather throw herself deep into a book,
then interact with any of them.
You are flabbergasted.
It's everything you're not.
Everything you would kill for.
Everything that makes you work to be better.
And yet she has it all,
and would love nothing better than to throw it away.
It's her.

Okay?

Also, I found some parts rather confusing (which I shall mention as I go on), and some grammatical errors.

Look at her. She is everything you are not. Her long graceful movements flowing effortlessly everywhere she goes. Radiating a laidback air.

She would rather throw herself deep into a book, then interact with any of them.

It's everything you're not. Everything you would kill for. Everything that makes you work to be better.

She is unimpressed, annoyed in fact.