"So, what is it?" asked Kurimi as he looked at the present his mother had bestowed upon him."Anything you want it to be, just love yourself,and your family."Said his mother as she closed her eyes forever.
***
"Kurimi! Wake up! this is the 9th grade! nap time ended 8 years ago!" Kurimi's
English teacher.
Kurimi sat up and thought to himself "God, I hate school!"
...
Kurimi was Real into goth, but knows himself moer as emo, considering everyone thinks he is emo.
The english teacher was telling them about more advanced ways of speech.
But all Kurimi could hear was "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH....BLAH."
Then it happend. The thing that no one can survive unless they were paying attention. Kurimi was called up to the board to answer a question he didn't even hear.
The only thing audible was "BLAH BLAH." His teacher started sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher. "WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH."
Kurimi stared at his English teacher.
"Well, c'mon, dont just stare at me!" Kurimi's teacher said, obviously growing impatient.
"32!" Kurimi shouted.
There was akward silence.
The whole class busted out in laughter...
Kurimi got dark dark thoughts... "They will all die...."
It was the ring. The ring his mother had given him before she passed away into an eternal slumber.
The ring was supposed him think good things, Supposed to make his life more enjoyable.
But the ring was alternate to Kurimi. The ring held a power ful demon inside of him......
The very next day, Saturday, Kurimi could drown his thoughts in a good album of Marlyin Manson. Marlyin Manson was his favorite band\Musician.
...One day he would destroy all of his enemies and all who oppose him..
All because of his mothers ring....
To Be Continued.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
space it out properly and then I promise I'll review. I can't read it when it's like this.
I really enjoyed that. That was a pretty cool story to read and excellent title. I'm eager to read more of your writing. I like your style and ideas.
I want you to remove the thread >.> Not spam..
This is spam, SIC. Please refrain from commenting on your own work unless you are responding to a critiquer or posting an update in the thread that the work has been updated. Thanks!
I guess this is dead so...
Original format FTW
What he means is he posted it for his friend, and posted it the exact same way his friend had originally written it.
I do suggest that, as a friend, you go through and edit for him as you post. *shrug*
I don't really understand your explanation. You are posting writing meant to "suck"? I do not recommend doing this in the future.
Its supposed to suck considering my friend did "His father's ring"
And so I made the grammar horrible just like his. And the Puncuation .
The story sounds as though you are rushing, typing it all out as fast as you can without any real thought to how it sounds. As you type, try reading it out, aloud or in your head, and see if it sounds right.
WOW! funny and sad simultaneously... and I see you have a spelling errors...
OK, I'm going to go through this line by line or more or less as you have lots of punctuation and grammar errors. Try using a spell - checker and be sure to proof read your work before posting.
New line for the mother speaking. Comma after 'family' instead of full stop. 'Said' should not be capatalised.
'this' should be 'This' and 'nap' should be 'Nap'. Are you missing a 'said' or something after 'teacher' or before 'Kurimi's'.
'Real' should not be capatalised, 'moer' should be 'more'.
Put these in italics again or leave them in normal font. Also, we get the point after the thirds 'Blah.'
Again, unnecessary capatilisation and too many 'WAH's'.
Whoa, confusion. Some sort of explanation is needed right here. What is 'it'?
This whole sentence doesn't make any sense.
Please try:
The ring was supposed to give him good thought, it was supposed to make life more enjoyable.
Power ful should be 'powerful'.
Unnecessary and doesn't add anything to the piece. I suggest you scrap it.
Don't start your sentence with ellipses. also, this is very sudden and it sort of tells rather than shows.
Overall you have a very good idea here but your mistakes and lack of description, action, conflict and emotion let you down. Try to make sure that you have this piece full of the aforementioned before you continue with this.
I would be happy to look at the edited version.
All the best with your writing,
Alainna
xx
Wow. Before I read this, I recommend correct paragraphing. A new speaker requires a new paragraph--see your first two lines. Also be careful with your capitalization--only words at the beginning of the sentence, or words carrying varying significance should be capitalized.
Also, try to expand on your ideas. Detail is everything.
I will be back,
--Medusa.