It was a crisp, autumn day. The birds sat and chirped in a sing-song manner, and the ferns moved smoothly as though they were one with the wind. The dew on the grass glistened as they were hit by the intense beams of the sun. Nothing could break the peacefulness that stuck to the valley today, nothing.
A cart trodded through the valley, following a dirt path which led to a village. "Mr, can we please bring up the pace? I have been summoned by the tribal leader, and if I am late, then the kingdom will surely have my head," said a man. He looked out of the window of the cart, and was worried, his hazel eyes showing his impatience.
"We're 'goin as fast as 'teh horses can, now shut up and let 'meh get 'ya there!" yelled the cart-rider with a chuckle.
The man put his head back inside of the cart. He tapped his shoes on the ground, trying to relieve stress. "Calm down Elex, we'll be there soon." said a woman, trying to ease the tension.
"I know, but this is my first ambassadorial mission, and I don't want to screw it up. I want to make a name for myself inside of the kingdom. Your experiened Melissa, they won't blame it on you, they'll blame it on me! The rookie always get's the blame!" replied Elex.
"You won't mess up, trust me." said Melissa soothingly.
Elex looked outside the window. The valley looked so peaceful, so nice. He wished that he could achieve this sense of comprimise with himself. He had always been so unconfident. Always last-picked for the teams, always the one without a friend in the academy. He wanted to be like Melissa. She always excelled in everything, and she was so confident! Why couldn't he be like her?
"Eh! We're 'ere!" yelled the cart-rider suddenly, stopping the cart so suddenly that Elex almost fell out of his seat.
The village was here, and his future depended on what happens in the next hour.
---------------------------------------------------
I am a new writer, so I hope this was good. I know it was a bit short, but I have an assessment tommorow, and I just rushed this. Thanks!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, on first glance this is certainly a very exciting story here, its pretty simple, but it does all the basics right and it does create a little bit of a hook there and in that case I think it does succeed as a prologue.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well that is a pretty peaceful description there, it certainly makes for quite a relaxed looking start there although the way that you ended that first paragraph tells me that its going to be very unlikely that nothing bad will happen, no one ever says nothing can affect peace that many times if they don't know the opposite is about to happen.
Hmm, well someone is in a bit of a hurry and well, the fact that there's the possibility of losing one's head for something as simple and unpredictable as being late is a pretty big detail there to include. Really lets you know of the kind of people that might be running this village and how the laws in said village tend to work.
Hmm, well, looks like he's not going their alone...that's probably good for him considering this person appears to be super nervous at the moment. And they also appear to know each other relatively well judging by how she's really trying to calm him down in this situation here.
Hmm, well, that does make sense for the poor guy to be a little bit tense there, something like that certainly sounds like a thing that could go very wrong. Also, I love the way that a little tidbit of information like that is snuck in very neatly among that dialogue, it sound very natural, but it also gives us information at the same time, which is the best kind of exposition.
Hmm, well we seem to be establishing a bit of this person's character here as well here, so that's nice to see a bit of a personality and a pretty relatable flaw right at the very start. Certainly can make you interested in following the story of someone.
Ooooh, well this could almost pass for a first chapter here honestly, judging by the way that this is set up but well I believe that it does its job as a prologue fairly well too...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, pretty cool start to a story you've got here. It certainly seems like it could lead to a pretty interesting story here. Anyway that's all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi,
overall it's a good intro. I would try to include the description of the scenery after you introduce the characters. You can show the peacefulness as Elex looks out the window and contrast it to his inner nervousness.
At some instances you added an additional sentence which isn't needed since the reader should be able to understand the character's feelings from the dialogue.
Examples are: "He looked out of the window of the cart, and was worried, his hazel eyes showing his impatience." We already know he is worried because they are not going fast enough. Telling us that he is worried adds little to the story.
Another example is: ""Calm down Elex, we'll be there soon." said a woman, trying to ease the tension." Saying calm down, insists that she is trying to ease the tension. The text flows better without it.
Also, I thought the intro is too short. Elex asks the cart-rider to hurry up, but it seems that they are there already only three minutes later.
You can also add a little more into the scene to develop your characters better. You can have Elex yell back at the cart-rider to show his aggressiveness. Melissa also seems to very passive. She can tell the story of her first mission.
If you have time, you can read my prologue and review it as well. I have a chase scene and build the environment around it. Hope this helps.
Hello, its me!
First of all, welcome to YWS hope you enjoy it here and if you have any questions feel free to ask me I would love to help out.
Plot: The plot was well thought out and I loved this. You came up with a brilliant idea for a plot and i can't wait to see what will happen in later chapters.
Characters: Since it is only the first chapter I can't really form much of an opinion on your characters.
Other: I have one question. When you say "We're 'goin as fast as 'teh horses can, now shut up and let 'meh get 'ya there!" I understand that the driver may be illiterate but why is the not spelled right even though the driver has a certain way of speaking wouldn't it still be the. Also why do some of the words have apostrophes in front of them. I'm not trying to be rude just curious.
Grammar: One of the first grammar mistakes I noticed was "his hazel eyes showing his impatience." Since your story is in past tense I think it would make more sense for it to be. "His hazel eyed showed his impatience."
Overall, this was an amazing first chapter. You introduced the characters and story well. I think that this should be a prologue instead of a chapter because of the length.If I offended you in anyway you can PM me. I can't wait to read and review the next chapter!
Goodbye, have a nice day!
-EmilyStarks