True Love, You'll Always Find It
What if he pretended to love you?
He held you like you were everything
He never let anything or anyone hurt you
What if the man you loved kissed you like he meant it?
And he was thinking of her along?
How bad would it hurt?
How angry would you be, once you knew?
Or worse you never knew at all thinking you had the perfect man
Making love was a lie,
Every secret romantic smile,
Every rose, and choclate
And every time he said " I love you"
Would you be smart enough to notice?
Or be conned in a game of love?
Would you wait until that night?
Walking in the closet looking for him,
You find him,
The real him,
And this man of hers he kisses her
When you see this you can tell he means it
Not a drunken mistake or a good man just unwillingly tempted.
When you see true love's kiss, you realize you've never had it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Yeah, well I said it wasn't a poem yet...
But thank you.
SASSYLADY333,
This is amateur poetry at its worst and shot through with spelling and grammar mistakes--could you at least make a pretense as to your commitment to the craft? Execrable poetry is excusable from a personal standpoint; spelling and grammar mistakes atop it, though, simply indicate to anyone even remotely serious about writing that you didn't even read back over your own slop. From concept through delivery, the material is familiar stuff with nothing to raise it above "lousy".
Making love was a lie,
Every secret romantic smile,
Every rose, and choclate
And every time he said " I love you"
Not good. Not even close.
Best,
Brad
Wow deep! Really this was brilliant in it's own sort of way.
I don't like it. There isn't really anything poetic about this piece: interesting language? No. Could I relate to it? No. Proper grammar/punctuation? No. I know that not all poems need punctuation, but since this one has longer lines, I think it would benefit.
See, this isn't exactly a poem, to my mind anyways. You should ask yourself, "What makes this a poem? What makes this different, more meaningful, than just words?" It would be nice to see more metaphors and similes, deeper meanings.
You also need to make the reader feel that they can relate to you. I have never experienced "true love", but by reading a poem about it, I (as a reader) should have at least a basic understanding of what it's like. At the moment, this is kind of empty and rather shallow. There's no depth.
It's clichéd. Roses and chocolate, however pleasant they may be, have been used in relation to love countless times. In fact, this theme for a poem has been used countless times. You need to ask yourself how this can be more original, interesting and thought-provoking -- what might be a good, original gift, lover to lover? Besides roses and chocolate, I mean.
Overall, this is an okay attempt. It's not memorable but poetry is hard -- I suck at it, actually. But keep working away, and one day you'll get it!
Feel free to PM me with any questions/comments, and good luck!
- Camille
I've come to deliver a review, as per request! *bows*
I think this should be, "Or worse--you never knew at all, thinking you had the perfect man?"Just keep in mind that I don't know all that much about poetry.
Firstly, is the first line ("True Love You'll Always Find It") part of the poem or is it the title or is it the opening line? Because if it's the title, i think you should make it bold or underlined or italic or something so that your readers don't get confused like I did. ^_~
Also, I suggest using some more punctuation and (as Rei said) metaphors and the like--because so far this poem is a little cliché and not terribly memorable, IMO. But it's a good start, I think--a good base to work from. You've got the emotion, but it will take a little more description and unique language to make it great.
Good luck, I hope this helps!
~Azila~
The age old battle! But I do admit I wasn't very creative, I rushed to express myself.
But I'm glad you could relate, thanks
It was sweet. I think I liked it more because of how much it reflects my life and what I hope will happen. Anyway, if you want to improve this, I'd suggest putting in some imagery and metaphors to enhance what you're saying. Remember, show, don't tell.
Thank you!
I couldn't have gotten a better review on my birthday
WOW!!!
I loved this poem
I think it is AMAZING!!!
I wish I had a better Critique but i don't sorry.
LOVED IT