Young Writers Society

Hey man, it's Zack!

Firstly, I loved your formatting. The use of capitalization on "They", was a real joy to look at, and got the point across very well, almost like a propaganda poster, in the very best way. The meanwhile was a great tie in too.

The alliteration just rolled off the page, as it would roll off the tongue if spoken, especially with, "propelling projectiles pulsing"

Similes were great too, with cattle in a candy shop, and humanity thrown away like a dirty cloth.

As always, your work feels very fluid, like a dream sequence being recounted, with many metaphors. It's more good than bad, but just notice that. I also recommend using the meanwhile only once and using a synonym another time.

I would say the length in the second to fifth lines took the punch away from that very first line, so maybe next time make it a bit sharper and quicker, because the last seven lines were incredibly sharp and articulate.

Overall, I think it's my favourite piece you've written. Great job man.

Hey there! Shey here for a review!

I reviewed your previous work, Impotence, and I'm back again. I see that below me, Nikayla has already thoroughly gone through and reviewed this piece, but I figure my two cents might help you in some way.

Once again, I see your impressive imagery at play. I love how I can imagine your scene so vividly, although in different ways than your first piece (which I'll discuss a little further down). I haven't much to say on the topic of said imagery, but I just wanted to repeat how much I like the way you do it.

Something interesting about this piece is the use of similes and metaphors. Most of this piece was conveyed through either a simile or a metaphor, which I find both entertaining and repetitive. The entertaining is due to how descriptive these metaphors and similes were, and how different it was from the descriptions in your first work. The repetitive part is that it starts to get a little overwhelming. It's okay to be literal at times in your piece, and not every line has to contain some deeper meaning. But, don't get me wrong. I think the amount of similes and metaphors in this poem are good, but I'm the future, perhaps keep my mentions in mind.

I love the formatting in this piece, especially the indents. I commented earlier on the repetition of the similes and metaphors, but the repetition of the "THEY" part is effective in driving home the message of the piece. As is the serious choice of words, and the darker meaning me of the similes and metaphors.

Overall, wonderful piece, just as your last one was! Keep up the great work, because I like forward to seeing more!

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

You've posted another poem so quick! I thought I'd drop by again after reviewing and being interested by the first poem you posted on the site, so here I am again. I have to say that this poem is a bit clearer when it comes to the flow though there are a couple of iffy lines that I want to touch on later. What's not as clear here, specifically in the first stanza, is the use of metaphor that you're using to attempt to get a message across.

The first line in the poem here is quite striking and holds a lot of impact, though this impact becomes weaker when the second and third lines are revealed. This is due to the wording for the most part not being as strong even if I do enjoy those lines. Perhaps consider changing them to 'gulp down the oil/to fill your stomach with envy' since that's more of an active action for the speaker to be doing here.

The alliteration in the fourth line is nice, though I wanted to suggest to add 'are' between 'echoes' and 'only', though that's just a suggestion. The last three lines of the first stanza I admit are a little odd for me and I'm not sure if they're exactly what you intended to say. Cattle in a candy shop? I've never heard that simile nor do I have any idea of what this means. There doesn't necessarily need to be a comma after 'meanwhile' so taking that out is beneficial.

Back home,
it is us who are afraid of them.