Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Let's make this the last truth

by S1lence


Let's make this the last truth

Let's make this the last truth,
gulping down the oil
your stomach full of envy.
Propelling projectiles pulsing in the night
their echoes only heard by the dead.
Meanwhile,
helicopters of truth
decide life like cattle in a candy shop.

Back home,
it is us who are afraid of them.

THEY take our homes
THEY take our jobs
THEY take everything.

Meanwhile,
our bleak backbone brokers
polish and pamper our movie,
humanity thrown away like a dirty cloth
the distorted image our enemies our only escape
from the unconditional fear
of our reflection.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 6

Donate
Wed Jul 05, 2017 4:21 pm
View Likes
RedHeathen wrote a review...



Hey man, it's Zack!

Firstly, I loved your formatting. The use of capitalization on "They", was a real joy to look at, and got the point across very well, almost like a propaganda poster, in the very best way. The meanwhile was a great tie in too.

The alliteration just rolled off the page, as it would roll off the tongue if spoken, especially with, "propelling projectiles pulsing"

Similes were great too, with cattle in a candy shop, and humanity thrown away like a dirty cloth.

As always, your work feels very fluid, like a dream sequence being recounted, with many metaphors. It's more good than bad, but just notice that. I also recommend using the meanwhile only once and using a synonym another time.

I would say the length in the second to fifth lines took the punch away from that very first line, so maybe next time make it a bit sharper and quicker, because the last seven lines were incredibly sharp and articulate.

Overall, I think it's my favourite piece you've written. Great job man.




User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 2383
Reviews: 176

Donate
Tue Jul 04, 2017 4:02 pm
View Likes
sheyren wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

I reviewed your previous work, Impotence, and I'm back again. I see that below me, Nikayla has already thoroughly gone through and reviewed this piece, but I figure my two cents might help you in some way.

Once again, I see your impressive imagery at play. I love how I can imagine your scene so vividly, although in different ways than your first piece (which I'll discuss a little further down). I haven't much to say on the topic of said imagery, but I just wanted to repeat how much I like the way you do it.

Something interesting about this piece is the use of similes and metaphors. Most of this piece was conveyed through either a simile or a metaphor, which I find both entertaining and repetitive. The entertaining is due to how descriptive these metaphors and similes were, and how different it was from the descriptions in your first work. The repetitive part is that it starts to get a little overwhelming. It's okay to be literal at times in your piece, and not every line has to contain some deeper meaning. But, don't get me wrong. I think the amount of similes and metaphors in this poem are good, but I'm the future, perhaps keep my mentions in mind.

I love the formatting in this piece, especially the indents. I commented earlier on the repetition of the similes and metaphors, but the repetition of the "THEY" part is effective in driving home the message of the piece. As is the serious choice of words, and the darker meaning me of the similes and metaphors.

Overall, wonderful piece, just as your last one was! Keep up the great work, because I like forward to seeing more!

~Shey~




User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Tue Jul 04, 2017 5:53 am
View Likes
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

You've posted another poem so quick! I thought I'd drop by again after reviewing and being interested by the first poem you posted on the site, so here I am again. I have to say that this poem is a bit clearer when it comes to the flow though there are a couple of iffy lines that I want to touch on later. What's not as clear here, specifically in the first stanza, is the use of metaphor that you're using to attempt to get a message across.

The first line in the poem here is quite striking and holds a lot of impact, though this impact becomes weaker when the second and third lines are revealed. This is due to the wording for the most part not being as strong even if I do enjoy those lines. Perhaps consider changing them to 'gulp down the oil/to fill your stomach with envy' since that's more of an active action for the speaker to be doing here.

The alliteration in the fourth line is nice, though I wanted to suggest to add 'are' between 'echoes' and 'only', though that's just a suggestion. The last three lines of the first stanza I admit are a little odd for me and I'm not sure if they're exactly what you intended to say. Cattle in a candy shop? I've never heard that simile nor do I have any idea of what this means. There doesn't necessarily need to be a comma after 'meanwhile' so taking that out is beneficial.

Back home,
it is us who are afraid of them.


These two stray lines mention 'back home' so I'm going to assume this takes place from the perspective of a soldier of some sort. I wanted to mention that the second line is a little too vague to understand the meaning. Who is 'us' and who is 'them' here? I'm assuming that it might be the other side of a war or the government, though I can't be sure due to this vagueness. I have the same problem the the third stanza. I also thought that "they" didn't need to be in all caps to get the point across and it feels a little forceful, though that's more personal preference (I don't think the caps are used very tastefully when in comparison to the rest of the poem).

There's also the aspect of the third stanza that makes it seem the lines are supposed to all be read in a row. I know this isn't what you meant by not having any punctuation in lines one or two, though that's the rules you've been going by for the rest of the poem. I suggest periods here after the first and second line to add more of an impact leading up to the third line, which should hit the reader hardest.

The 'meanwhile' in the third stanza actually works better this time around. The alliteration is well-executed in the second line though a period after the third seems appropriate. With that being said, adding 'is' in-between 'humanity' and 'thrown' so the line is more independent is something I suggest along with that if you're going to act on the first change. I'm unsure of what you're attempting to say with the fifth line though I'm thinking you might mean 'the distorted image of our enemies is our only escape' though I'm not too sure. Reworking that line for more clarity is beneficial, though the rest makes more sense and the ending two lines are nicely done. Overall, nice job, though once again the wording is a little off and the flow could be improved. Keep working at it!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image

Image




S1lence says...


Thank you for the review, I have been trying to improve upon your suggestions, thinking a lot nore about things I had never considered all that much, like punctuation. My thanks for, in a way, helping me open my eyes to the little subtler things in poetry, those which are not immediately clear, but which do affect the flow and therefore the impact and meaning of certain parts.




"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
— Martin Luther King Jr.