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Impotence

by S1lence


Impotence

Smashing vases of utter

Harmony, in the petrol of a

Misty monday morning...

I hear a sigh.

Beside me she sits,

Cross legged and beautiful,

Like a winter with no horizons,

A beat that hammered the veins

Into a drunken stupor

Heat rising like moss through her eyes

And twirling it shrunk to a single note.

Life catches up to me in a single compass

And it feels unfair

Watching me build a bridge

With stones of corruption

And beams of empty country pity.

Wheels scratch the thin ice of reality,

And she leaves,

Her legs faster than my mind, and

Turning faster than breath

She faded into my broken mirror.

And so, I exhale, sinking back into my cushion,

The smoke from my lungs twirling in

The sunlight,

Black and black,

And away it goes.


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1080 Reviews


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Mon Jul 03, 2017 12:56 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as promised! First of all, I wanted to go ahead and welcome you to the site once again! I do hope that you like it here. Without further ado, let's jump right in.

So I noticed that you mentioned formatting through the Publishing Center being hard through mobile. I may as well give an explanation of how to format correctly since the Publishing Center messes up the stanzas if you're unsure of what you're doing. The first method is to line up the stanza in a single line and then press shift+enter where you're wanting the line breaks to be. If that's too vague of an explanation, here's a link for another method to formatting poetry from the Publishing Center. If both of those are too vague, then even just a dash or a simple '~' can indicate the ending of a stanza or verse and the beginning of a new one.

Moving on from that and delving more into the content of the actual piece, I have to say that the tone or atmosphere here is well-executed for what's already here, though using more imagery and a stronger word choice makes this even stronger. What I wanted to touch on because I found this to be a little odd is the fact that the beginning of each line is capitalized.

While this isn't a grammatical error since it's instead a stylistic choice of yours to make, I do want to know the reason why you've done this, even if it's as simple as the aesthetic or overall look. A personal preference for this poem in particular is using the regular capitalization for neatness since I can't see what capitalizing each line does. Nonetheless, that's something that only matters when the poem is being read and isn't effecting the content all that much.

The line breaks here are something that I also wanted to mention. While aesthetically the poem looks okay in terms of the structure, the line breaks and breaths that the reader takes are awkward.

Smashing vases of utter

Harmony, in the petrol of a

Misty monday morning...


The reader is unsure here if we're supposed to be taking breaths at the end of each line or if it's supposed to be more flowing. This first line starts out with a verb instead of having some other set-up beforehand, making for an off-putting start to the poem. I'm unsure of what 'utter harmony' is supposed to mean or how the word 'utter' makes this any more effective. Monday is a word that in the third line needs to be capitalized and I wanted to note that the ellipses here that trail off also don't do much to help the flow. I also wanted to ask: What definition of petrol is being used in the second line? I'm pretty sure there's only one and that this might be a misspelling of 'patrol'. The only definition I know of when it comes to 'petrol' is gasoline, and in the context of the work, this makes little sense.

In short, the flow and amount of unnecessary words is what's holding this poem back from being better, which is a shame because when the reader is looking into the actual content and ignoring the problems that regard the flow, this is solid. There's an obsession here with the word 'and' to start lines when it doesn't need to. This only makes the flow clunkier than it needs to be, and it almost seems if you're attempting repetition with it the amount of times that it's used. I'm going to suggest cutting the majority out if you're able to read the line more clearly without the word 'and' being used. Test it out by reading aloud. There's also a lack of sense when it comes to punctuation, the other part of the poem that is holding back the flow.

Beside me she sits,

Cross legged and beautiful,

Like a winter with no horizons,

A beat that hammered the veins

Into a drunken stupor

Heat rising like moss through her eyes

And twirling it shrunk to a single note.


For example, the first line here doesn't need a comma. The second line doesn't need a comma unless you want to change the third line by taking out the word 'like' and turning it into a metaphor--something I suggest. The third line itself doesn't need a comma. It needs a period. The fourth line is independent and isn't reliant on the first three, which is why I'm bringing it up. There are other instances of this as well though this is more prominent. 'The veins' is a bit of wording that I found awkward, and I suggest putting another period at the fifth line.

Give more insight on the theme or be more clear with that, since the reader isn't quite sure of what you're attempting to get across as of now since this becomes a little lost. How I ended up interpreting this is that the impotence is felt in that the speaker is helpless in making the other person in the poem stay. This is something that I can see being made subtle for a stronger passive effect, it's a little too vague and doesn't become clear until the end of the poem. Overall though, this poem's got potential! What's holding this potential back is mainly the flow and the wording even this can hopefully improve in the future since the other aspects are interestingly done and fit the title.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Mon Jul 03, 2017 12:51 pm
sheyren wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Firstly, welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy your time here!

Now, onto the review! I really love this piece, because it gives me some great things imagine. Your descriptions, your word choice, everything fills my head with the ideas that you want to convey. Imagery isn't an easy thing to do well at, yet you've done it, so great job!

Now, let's talk formatting. Thus poem is somewhat plain with its format, and I think you should try to experiment with white space in moving lines in different places. Indents are great, and aligning some lines to the right really accents those lines. For example, I believe the last line would look nice in the right. If you don't know how to format in the publishing center, I'll give you a helpful link. How to Format Poetry This will teach you the basics of HTML code, so you can format more. It should also teach you how to split the piece into stanzas. Hope it helps!

This a great piece! I'm disappointed it's your first, because I wanted to read more from you. However, I do look to reading your future works when you publish them. I do guess that this isn't your first poem, but I could be wrong.

Anyway, great job! Keep writing!

~Shey~





You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote