This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as promised! First of all, I wanted to go ahead and welcome you to the site once again! I do hope that you like it here. Without further ado, let's jump right in.
So I noticed that you mentioned formatting through the Publishing Center being hard through mobile. I may as well give an explanation of how to format correctly since the Publishing Center messes up the stanzas if you're unsure of what you're doing. The first method is to line up the stanza in a single line and then press shift+enter where you're wanting the line breaks to be. If that's too vague of an explanation, here's a link for another method to formatting poetry from the Publishing Center. If both of those are too vague, then even just a dash or a simple '~' can indicate the ending of a stanza or verse and the beginning of a new one.
Moving on from that and delving more into the content of the actual piece, I have to say that the tone or atmosphere here is well-executed for what's already here, though using more imagery and a stronger word choice makes this even stronger. What I wanted to touch on because I found this to be a little odd is the fact that the beginning of each line is capitalized.
While this isn't a grammatical error since it's instead a stylistic choice of yours to make, I do want to know the reason why you've done this, even if it's as simple as the aesthetic or overall look. A personal preference for this poem in particular is using the regular capitalization for neatness since I can't see what capitalizing each line does. Nonetheless, that's something that only matters when the poem is being read and isn't effecting the content all that much.
The line breaks here are something that I also wanted to mention. While aesthetically the poem looks okay in terms of the structure, the line breaks and breaths that the reader takes are awkward.
Smashing vases of utter
Harmony, in the petrol of a
Misty monday morning...
The reader is unsure here if we're supposed to be taking breaths at the end of each line or if it's supposed to be more flowing. This first line starts out with a verb instead of having some other set-up beforehand, making for an off-putting start to the poem. I'm unsure of what 'utter harmony' is supposed to mean or how the word 'utter' makes this any more effective. Monday is a word that in the third line needs to be capitalized and I wanted to note that the ellipses here that trail off also don't do much to help the flow. I also wanted to ask: What definition of petrol is being used in the second line? I'm pretty sure there's only one and that this might be a misspelling of 'patrol'. The only definition I know of when it comes to 'petrol' is gasoline, and in the context of the work, this makes little sense.
In short, the flow and amount of unnecessary words is what's holding this poem back from being better, which is a shame because when the reader is looking into the actual content and ignoring the problems that regard the flow, this is solid. There's an obsession here with the word 'and' to start lines when it doesn't need to. This only makes the flow clunkier than it needs to be, and it almost seems if you're attempting repetition with it the amount of times that it's used. I'm going to suggest cutting the majority out if you're able to read the line more clearly without the word 'and' being used. Test it out by reading aloud. There's also a lack of sense when it comes to punctuation, the other part of the poem that is holding back the flow.
Beside me she sits,
Cross legged and beautiful,
Like a winter with no horizons,
A beat that hammered the veins
Into a drunken stupor
Heat rising like moss through her eyes
And twirling it shrunk to a single note.
For example, the first line here doesn't need a comma. The second line doesn't need a comma unless you want to change the third line by taking out the word 'like' and turning it into a metaphor--something I suggest. The third line itself doesn't need a comma. It needs a period. The fourth line is independent and isn't reliant on the first three, which is why I'm bringing it up. There are other instances of this as well though this is more prominent. 'The veins' is a bit of wording that I found awkward, and I suggest putting another period at the fifth line.
Give more insight on the theme or be more clear with that, since the reader isn't quite sure of what you're attempting to get across as of now since this becomes a little lost. How I ended up interpreting this is that the impotence is felt in that the speaker is helpless in making the other person in the poem stay. This is something that I can see being made subtle for a stronger passive effect, it's a little too vague and doesn't become clear until the end of the poem. Overall though, this poem's got potential! What's holding this potential back is mainly the flow and the wording even this can hopefully improve in the future since the other aspects are interestingly done and fit the title.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
Donate