For My Boyfriend who is still with me to this very day:
The Love I felt for him,
how strong it was for me.
A desire he that burned him for two years
left unnoticed.
He loved me
truly loved me.
A love so different.
Very different.
Different.
It was such a love I felt for him.
Which I still feel.
Now both lovers distant.
Both so blind and sad
why so distant?
Why does this love still want to be alive?
Had both hearts forgotten how to be alive?
So much tragedy.
So much sadness.
Pain.
Misunderstandings.
Desire.
Manly a tragedy.
A first love, ruined by others.
Poisoned by misconceptions.
Only to have both lovers fight each other.
Have this pained girl desert her lover.
Her lover.
The one she gave her heart too.
To her pained lover.
The very lover who waits.
It should have never been my first love.
Having such tragedy strike.
Resentments fangs shown,
war after war fought.
Wounding a broken heart that is distraught.
It never should have been my first love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The first problem this poem his has is that you wrote it for your boyfriend. I, however obvious this may seem, am not your boyfriend. So I'm your wrong audience. As a result, I'm lost on a lot of details. You talk about distance and fights and being different, all of which might make complete sense to your boyfriend but is like nonsensical babble to me. Since I don't know these situations and you took no time to explain them, I don't know what is really going on between these two people, and therefore I can't care about them or relate to their problem. So, there are two solutions for this: is this a poem solely for your boyfriend, or for anyone who wants to read it? If the first, do nothing. He should understand it. If the second (you're trying to appeal to everyone) you're going to need to rewrite this so that any reader can pick it up and know what is going on. Talking about situations in such vague terms does nothing for the reader but bore and confuse them.
The second big thing that jumped out at me, which would improve the poem whether it was being read by your boyfriend or by anyone, would be the amount of vague words you use. "Different," "distant," "tragedy," "sadness," "pain," and lets not forget the one which was mentioned four times alone in the first stanza, "love." These words might seem like they accurately explain what you felt, but to the reader, to me, these words are vague and emotionless. "sadness" and "love" and "pain" being among the worst. These words express nothing to me; they have no strength at all. If you say, "I am sad," I know you are sad, but can you prove it to me? Can you show it to me in a way so I feel sad, too? That is what poetry is all about: making the reader feel, think, experience something, having some kind of effect on the reader. Instead of using these vague words, try to show your reader these things. Give a simile for their distance "They were distanced like..." although that is a bad start. Use a symbol for their love, rather than just saying love. Be poetical! Use imagery! Basically: give it strength, substance, and life. Avoid the vague, emotionless words! It will be hard at first to construct something better, but in the end it will be well worth it.
I hope this review helped!