[THIS WAS A SCRIPT OF OUR SHORT FILM IN ENGLISH. I KNOW, IT'S VERY, VERY SHORT WE MADE A VIDEO OF IT AND IT WAS LIKE 4 OR FIVE MINUTES ONLY. BUT YEAH, ENJOY IT ANYWAYS :) ]
CHARACTERS:
NARRATOR (N)
GOOD GUY TURNED TO BAD GUY (GG)
BAD GUY TURNED TO GOOD GUY (BG)
FATHER (F)
MOTHER (M)
PASTOR (P)
THE OWNER OF THE WALLET (OW)
GIRL WHO FELL HER THINGS (GF)
GIRL CRYING (GC)
BOY 1 (B1)
BOY 2 (B2)
GIRL 1 (G1)
GIRL 2 (G2)
GIRL 3 (G3)
TEACHER (T)
N: THIS IS THE STORY OF TWO GUYS THAT HAVE THE TWO FACES OF CHANGE. THERE IS A GOOD AND BAD TYPE OF CHANGE AND EVERY OPPORTUNITY IS HIDDEN BENEATH THE TWO. WE UNDERGO TO CHANGE, NOT ONLY TO THE GOOD ONE, BUT ALSO TO THE BAD ONE. LET'S SEE WHAT THE TWO GUYS DO WHEN THEY ENCOUNTER................THE FACE OF CHANGE.
SCENE ONE
(BAD GUY IS SEEN GOING TO THE CLASSROOM [ACTS AS HIS HOUSE], HIS PARENTS THEN COME TO HIM)
(BG TURNS ON LIGHT WHICH ARE FORMERLY CLOSED)
M: IS THIS HOW YOU REPAY US?!
(CAMERA TURNS TO TALKING MOTHER)
F: YOU TOLD US THAT YOU'LL COME BACK DIRECTLY AFTER SCHOOL!
BG: SO?! DO YOU CARE IF I COME HOME LATE!
M: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
(MOTHER SLAPS BG)
F: WE'RE YOUR PARENTS, MISTER! SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
BG: YOU DON'T LIKE ME ANYWAYS, SO WHY GO BACK HERE?!
(MOTHER SLAPS BG AGAIN)
F: HOW DARE YOU TALK TO US LIKE THAT?
M: WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE WILL DO WITH YOU!
F: IF IT ISN'T SMOKING, IT'S DRINKING ALCOHOL OR TAKING DRUGS. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?!
BG: IT'S NOTHING! I SWEAR!
M: TELL US THE TRUTH OR YOU'LL NOT GET.......!
BG: NO!
(BG STORMS OUTSIDE THE ROOM. MOTHER IS SEEN CRYING AND FATHER COMFORTS HER)
(SUNDAY)
F: WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH. WANT TO COME?
BG: FINE, WHATEVER.
M: BEHAVE AT THE CHURCH. IT'S THE HOUSE OF GOD.
BG: OKAY.
(TIME AND PLACE SKIP TO AUDITORIUM; SETTING IS AT THE CHURCH, THE PASTOR IS SHARING SOME THINGS. THE FAMILY SITS DOWN AT THE FRONT.)
P: GOD WANTS US TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. IF WE CAN'T DO IT, THEN GOD CAN HELP US. ALL WE NEED TO DO IS PRAY. THEN START TO ACT FOR THE BETTER. IF YOU THINK THAT IT'S TOO LATE TO CHANGE, YOU'RE WRONG. EVERY VICTORY BEGINS WITH ONE LITTLE STEP. EVERY SUCCESS COMES TO A START.
(THE SERMON LASTS LONGER; TIME SKIP TO THE END OF THE MASS)
BG: PASTOR... MAY I TALK TO YOU?
P: YES. WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
BG: IT'S ABOUT EARLIER. I WANT TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO START.
P: PRAYING IS THE FIRST STEP. DO THAT AND GOD WILL DO THE REST. OF COURSE, YOU NEED TO ACT AS WELL.
BG: THANKS, PASTOR.
(TIME AND PLACE SKIP TO GRADE ONE HALLWAY. BG SEES A WALLET THAT SOMEONE FELL. HE RAN TO IT AND REURNED IT TO THE OWNER)
OW: OH, THANK YOU! I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT EARLIER!
BG: NO PROBLEM.
(BG SEES A GIRL WHO DROPPED HER THINGS AND BG HELPS HER)
GF: OH THANKS. REALLY.
BG: IT'S NOTHING.
(BG SEES A GIRL CRYING BY THE CR AND GIVES HER HIS HANDKERCHIEF)
GC: OH THANKS.
BG: YOU'RE WELCOME.
N: EVEN THOUGH HIS CHANGE MIGHT NOT BE SEEN BY OTHERS AND BE PRAISED FOR IT, THERE ARE FOUR PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT IT. THE OWNER OF THE WALLET, THE GIRL WHO FELL HER THINGS, THE GIRL CRYING BY THE CR, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, OUR GOD ABOVE.
SCENE TWO
(GOOD GUY IS SEEN READING SOME SORT OF BOOK IN THE CLASSROOM. THEN B1 AND G1 APPEARS)
B1: HEY LOSER.
(B1 THROWS THE BOOK)
GG: YOU'RE RUDE.
B1: PSH. WOULD I BE RUDE IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ? YOU'RE SO OUTDATED, YOU KNOW.
GG: ME, OUTDATED?
G1: YOU EVER HEARD OF VIDEO GAMES?
GG: YEAH.
B1: TRY PLAYING THEM.
GG: OKAY....
(TIME LAPSE. GG IS SEEN SLEEPING. ALL PEOPLE APPEAR AS STUDENTS, EXTRAS)
T: CHANGE IS CONSTANT. YOU CAN'T CHANGE CHANGE. CHANGE CAN BE BAD OR GOOD. WE ARE STUCK TO CHANGE AND CHANGE HAPPENS........
(TEACHER NOTICES GG)
T: PLEASE WAKE HIM UP.
(G2 WAKES HIM UP.)
T: STAND UP.
(GG STANDS UP.)
T: WHAT IS OUR TOPIC?
GG: IT'S ABOUT TIME.
T: VERY WELL. I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T LISTENING. MOVING ON......
(TIME LAPSE TO END OF CLASS)
B2: HEY! WANT TO PARTY WITH US TONIGHT?
G2: YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE COOL!
GG: I GUESS YES.
B2: CAN I ASK A FAVOR? BRING SOME BEER.
GG: YEAH. LATER!
(TIME LAPSE TO NEXT DAY; GG IS ABSENT)
T: WHERE'S.........
G3: HE'S ABSENT..... TEACHER.
T: AND THE TWO STUDENTS AT THE BACK?
G3: ABSENT AS WELL.
(PLACE SKIP TO IN FRONT OF PIANO ROOM. GG AND B1 IS SEEN SNORTING DRUGS [POWDER AS SUBSTITUTE])
B1: ISN'T THIS FUN?!
GG: YEAH! WOOOH! I SEE A LOT OF COLORS!
B1: HAHAHAHAHA!
GG: I'M SO GLAD I JOINED YOU!
N: PEER PRESSURE IS ONE OF THE REASONS PRIOR TO CHANGE. WE SOMETIMES THINK THAT WE ARE "OUTDATED", AN OUTCAST, OR SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT OURSELVES, JUST LIKE THE GUY WE WATCHED. TWO WORDS: BE YOURSELF. NOT ALL THE TIME, YOU ARE THE ONE TO CHANGE. BE YOURSELF! IF YOU'RE A BOOK LOVER, THEN BE ONE! IF YOU LIKE FLOWERS, THEN LIKE IT! DON'T THINK OF WHAT OTHERS WILL SAY.
(GG AND BG ARE WALKING AT THE HALLWAY; BG IS GOING TO THE CLASSROOMS AND GG IS AWAY FROM THE CLASSROOMS. BG IS READING A BOOK, AND GG IS DRUNK. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND PROCEED TO WALKING)
(GG IS SEEN GOING INSIDE THE CLASSROOM WITHOUT THE LIGHTS. AS HE GOES INSIDE, HE OPENS THE LIGHTS AND SEES HIS "PARENTS" AND THEY ARE ANGRY AT HIM. CAMERAMAN GOES INSIDE.)
M: IS THIS WHAT YOU REPAY US?!
F: YOU TOLD US THAT YOU'LL COME BACK DIRECTLY AFTER SCHOOL!
(CAMERAMAN EXITS. THE DOOR CLOSES)
(BG ENTERS THE CLASSROOM, WITH B1 AND G1 AND ALL STUDENTS ARE THERE. AS HE SITS DOWN, B1 AND G1 APPROACHES HIM. CAMERAMAN GOES INSIDE.)
B1: HEY LOSER.
(B1 THROWS THE BOOK)
BG: HEY, YOU'RE RUDE.
B1: PSH. WOULD I BE RUDE IF YOU CONTINUE TO READ? YOU'RE SO OUTDATED, YOU KNOW.
BG: HOW AM I OUTDATED?
G1: YOU EVER HEARD OF VIDEO GAMES?
(CAMERAMAN EXITS. THE DOOR CLOSES)
[DO YOU GET THAT ENDING? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. AT THE FIRST SCENES WE SEE BG TURN INTO A GOOD GUY AND GG TURNS INTO A BAD GUY. THEN, HERE AT THE ENDING, WE SEE THE ORIGINAL BAD GUY BE THE GOOD GUY. (AT THE FIRST TIME, HE'S BAD, BUT HERE WE SEE THAT THE CONTINUATION OF HIS STORY WAS THE START OF THE GOOD GUY'S STORY.) WE ALSO SEE THAT THE ORIGINAL GOOD GUY BE THE BAD GUY (AT THE FIRST TIME HE'S GOOD, BUT HERE WE SEE THAT THE CONTINUATION OF HIS STORY WAS THE START OF THE BAD GUY'S STORY) IN SHORT, IT'S LIKE A CYCLE. BAD GUY AND GOOD GUY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON TRAPPED IN A LOOP OF CHANGE.]
I REALLY DO HOPE YOU GET IT.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
I like the story it is telling, but there are times when I get confused. I think you should give the characters names instead of BG and GG, but I guess that's up to you. I don't really mind the caps locks, but next time don't use it please. I think it would be better if you give all of the characters names and give hints and details of character's likes or dislikes, like this:
( Josh slams room door. The room is filled with pictures drawn by Josh and Starry Night, he Potato Eaters, and Bedroom In Arles by Vincent Van Gogh. He sighs as he sits on his chair at his desk cluttered with paper of homework assignments labeled with F's and D's, chewed-up pencils and pens, and bags of Lays chips and Capri Suns . He shoves the mess off a brown sketch book and begins to draw an intricate drawing of a dragon)
Josh: (Narrating) * It's hard living in a world where making beautiful art is considered a waste of time*
This shows that Josh is a huge art fanatic and likes Vincent Van Gogh. It also shows how he is a very disorganized person and has the habit of chewing his pens and pencils. The homework assignments show how he isn't good at school or that he doesn't care for school. The Lays chip bags and Capri Suns show he likes snaking on them as he draws.
Besides all of the flaws, I still like this. I think this would make an interesting film and I would definitely watch it if it was a full length movie in theaters.
Also, just a little add on, where is B1 getting his book? Or if BG (or GG depending on where in the play you are) is the one with the book, it should be noted in the action sequence please =)
Hola RyharTopter =) FallWolf's here with a review 4 u.
Alright, so this is one thing that is more about how your story looks: please turn your caps lock off! It seems like everyone is shouting all the time, and the large, blocky letters distract from the actual play. And if readers are getting distracted by either bad grammar, spelling or caps, they will soon tire of trying to figure it out and move on to a different story.
There's a couple other things that could be done a bit better. For one, your characters all seem very flat, all with the same speech patterns. If you listen to people, you will find that almost everybody has a different little uniqueness in how they say things. Some people have a huge vocab and like to show it off. Some people have little habits, like when teens say "like" all the time, or some people say one word more than other words (Example, a guy in the book Princess Bride says "Inconceivable!" almost every sentence.) or they say "um" a whole bunch. Or they like to rhyme words when they can. People talk quietly and loudly, obnoxiously and unobtrusively. I would suggest adding some different unique character dialogue here, especially since it is a play and so much of it is just the characters talking. Not every character has to have a huge uniqueness though. Some people have small ticks, like me. When I speak, I usually speak in short sentences, then add an afterthought. I like using interesting words, and I absolutely abhor saying "like" unless it is completely necessary.
This might just be me, but I don't like when people feel the need to explain their story at the end. If you feel the need to explain, you are probably not feeling to good about your play, and if you're not feeling good about your story or play, go and re-write it! Don't worry, the first draft is never meant to be the finished product; there's always room for improvements =)
So to put it all bluntly, take out the caps, improve and uniquenitize (and no, that is not a real word) your characters and take out the explaining at the end.
Don't stop writing =)