YWS 1.1
It was cold in the hospital wing. A steely cold that cut through the sheets like shrapnel. Rydia shook gently. There was shrapnel in the bed with her.
“Mind Reader!” Jabber strode into the room but stopped at the foot of the bed to shiver. “What the-”
“It has to be cold,” Rydia whimpered. “The doc says we gotta keep the world all cold...”
JabberHut frowned and turned to the doctor for confirmation. She was wearing a white long-coat and her clipboard had frostbite.
“Why's the room so cold?” Jabber asked.
“How else would I keep the bodies preserved?” The doctor raised her head and nodded at bed two. “Another dead this morning. Do you want it to smell like a grave?”
JabberHut slowly shook her head, her expression aghast. “You're keeping the bodies in here?”
“Well it is the morgue,” the doctor said. She turned and slowly walked away.
Jabber turned to Rydia and reached out for her cold, stiff hand. “I don't think he's a real doctor,” Jabber said.
“Do you want to share my bed?” Rydia asked her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hello, the one and only Foxmaster here!!!
Also, If your are interested in some of my work, that would be great! :p
oh ho ho, what a story! I applaud *cue emoji*👏 Wait, so you're in this story? You died? This was confusing and yet interesting. Some thoughts....
JabberHut frowned and turned to the doctor for confirmation. She was wearing a white long-coat and her clipboard had frostbite.
Just a question: How can a clipboard get frostbite? Is Jabberhut another member on here?
“How else would I keep the bodies preserved?” The doctor raised her head and nodded at bed two. “Another dead this morning. Do you want it to smell like a grave?”
JabberHut slowly shook her head, her expression aghast. “You're keeping the bodies in here?”
“Well it is the morgue,” the doctor said. She turned and slowly walked away.
Jabber turned to Rydia and reached out for her cold, stiff hand. “I don't think he's a real doctor,” Jabber said.
Talk about suspicion... this sounds like something from Wednesday..... I'm interested now........ where is this going?
Jabber turned to Rydia and reached out for her cold, stiff hand.
'cold stiff hand"... yup, they are dead.
And that's all! Can't wait to review more of your work!
-Foxmaster!!! (the one and only!)
Confusing, yet interesting.
I'm left pondering over the nature of the place the scene take place in. I also think whether the characters are dead.
To be honest, I was doing all right when this came up: "Well it is the morgue". It changed everything. I thought it was some poor hospital operating at a time of war and epidemic, but then when the affirmation of the place being a morgue erupted, every reader gets spooked out.
Well, I like it, although it's unclear. But then again I think that was creatively deliberate.
Cheers!
Thank you! And you're right on the mark when you say the characters may be dead. Rydia certainly is and the idea was that this is Jabber's grieving process, but it's also open to interpretation
Thanks again for the comments!
Hey Pulchra!
I'll be completely ignoring the 'Satire' bit this is labeled as, and review this completely seriously as if this was a 100% honest piece of literature on YWS.
Now, I'll admit I don't review a lot of fanfiction, or flash fiction for that matter, but YWS fiction is pretty great, so yay, review! Now, I now the premise behind this, and it was rather... challenging, however, this is a surprising result. Positively or negatively I'm not sure! This may have poetic meaning (I repeat, I'm going ahead and reviewing this as if it had meaning), but I just don't get it.
I'm not quite sure how you and Jabsy ended up in a morgue, let alone living in one. That last line screams necrophilia to me, although it might be something I'm not getting. Maybe you're both zombies?
Either way, this was puzzling, but not an entirely unpleasant piece to read!
Hope this helped
~Ita
//cackle