Young Writers Society

Note: this is one of my entries for the Big Review. Enjoy!

Introduction:

Hey there, Rydia! It's pretty late, but I'm still going to try to get my reviews done.

This one is an oldie-but-a-goodie. I'd love to help you out with it, and I also want to try out another format of review. My normal format seems to be helpful for poetry, but I want to decrease my line-by-line analysis and increase my plot analysis. Because this is a trial run, I have to warn you... it may be a bit short. But I'll try my best!

Ready? Set? Go!

Content:

Mr Pailey looked upon his surroundings curiously.

The wooden abode was warm due to little ventilation.

As the tour guide spoke, the aroma of bread and pastries lingered in the air.

“Pudding Lane, what a funny name! And what have we come to see?” An elderly lady demanded.

“Don't be stupid!” Her beloved husband snapped and added as an after thought,

He was well aware that they had decided to take the tour to try and rekindle their love for one another.

Mr Pailey pointed out potently.

“Oh come now Mr Pailey...The tour guide beckoned them into a nearby building, wanting to show them something of interest.

to which one man who had been passing stopped and commented,

“A fine tune that be!”

The Big Review

Hi Rydia! You know I like time travel... Before I even begin reading, I have to say that I adore how you've organized your portfolio, with the alphabetized letters in front to keep them all in order. Very clever.

Wow, you and your co-writing buddy wrote this first chapter a good eight years ago! Because of that I'm sure that any nitpick recommendations I'd have for you would be a bit outdated. Things like "the sentences in the first paragraph are too short and choppy" or "ack! It's its, not it's!" or "this dialogue tag is awkward" are things you are probably well aware of now. Being twenty-five and all, a quick sweep over this chapter could fix everything. So I'm going to look over those grammar errors and focus more on emotions, characters, and the plot, and along the way manage to convince you to pick up this chapter again and continue it!

Characters

From what I can tell, Mr Pailey (shouldn't there be a period after "Mr?") is a wise adventurer who wishes to see the glory of the past. He reminds me of Agatha Christie's detective Hercule Poriot a bit. The Tour Guide is clearly there for the humorous aspect of the chapter, but to me he's a tad unrealistic. Alright, more than a tad. I'd dim down the humor just a little. Unless the guide was kidding when he said that he lost half of the group last time!

So far in regards to characterization, you seemed to have depended too much on dialogue and not much else. We don't know what Mr Pailey is thinking or what he looks like or what his background is at all yet. I liked the first paragraph the best because you just took some time to describe some things and emphasize that Mr. Pailey is a curious fellow when he looks around. Add more of those things in.

I'm curious as to how big this time-traveling group is, and how the actual people of the past are reacting to them. I'd think they'd look pretty out of place.

Emotion

Humor, panic, and curiosity: the three primary emotions shown in this chapter, and in that order of intensity, too. There's plenty of humor, pieces if panic with the fire, and bits of curiosity as the group learns about the past. The last two are much more flat because, more than anything, Mr Pailey's thoughts and expressions are missing.

Plot

It's certainly an interesting start. For a certain price, one can take a guided tour into somewhere in the past, and Mr Pailey, judging by the title of the work, is eager to visit as many places as he can. We're first introduced to the burning of London, where an oven-adoring and humorous guide nearly kills his group (again). Even though the guide was unrealistic, he did make me laugh more than once.

You've come up with a very interesting plot that you could have a lot of fun with. Think of all the places Mr Pailey could travel! This book might even serve as a great illustrated children's book. That way you could keep all the humor and teach kids about history at the same time. Mr Pailey could even be a talking cat with spectacles or something, because kids like cats. :3

If this review helped you in any way, it will have at least showed how much you have grown as a writer over the span of eight years. I think this chapter (well, part of one anyway) deserves a little sprucing up, some tender loving care, and a sequel.

Keep on writing, Rydia!

very interesting, i laughed quite a bit. keep writing and ill keep reading

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm glad you all got the humour! It's always worrying that it could just be a load of in jokes (-;

this is the first scifi on yws that ive read..i must say its interesting but a bit confusing well...the simulation thing is cool...and a little humor sprinkled on top makes a fairly good bundle overall.

your number one slacker ninja of the hidden ewok village, Z_

Thanks for the comments! You're right, that sentence needs looking at... I shall find somewhere to put a comma. Also, I understand why you highlighted 'realised' but it's spelt like that in England. Again, thanks for taking the time to read it =)

kitty15 wrote:This is the beginning of Claire and mine's second joint novel. The rest of chapter one will be posted when we've written it...

Chapter One

Mr Pailey looked upon his surroundings in a very curious manner. His companions' faces flickered in and out of vision by the light of a candle. The wooden abode felt warm with little ventilation. All the shutters were firmly closed in a feeble attempt to deny the moonlight from seeping through and casting a dim glow upon the room. This dim glow allowed Mr Pailey to trace the shapes of shelves which aligned the walls, an oak table which stood to one side, and a large, solid oven that was placed all alone in the corner.

Candle light in a science fiction? If you say so

“We have just arrived at Mr Farriner's bakery,” The tour guide glanced at his watch, “The date is the 2nd of September, 1666, a little after midnight, if you will just look straight ahead, you can see an oven in the corner...” As the tour guide spoke, the aroma of bread and pastries lingered in the air.

“Farriner's bakery, Farriner, would this be in London?” The historian muttered, more to himself than to anyone else. He retrieved a notebook from his pocket and started to sketch the layout of the room.

“That's right, London, Pudding Lane to be precise,” The tour guide repeated the action of checking his watch, “You're all in for such a treat, this is a very important moment in history!”

Awesome! They must be in some type of museum for the past thing >< I love science fiction.

“Pudding Lane! What a funny name, and what have we come to see?” An elderly lady demanded. She was situated towards the back of the group, trying to crane her neck over the members in front.

“Don't be stupid!” Her beloved husband snapped and added as an after thought, “Darling. We've come to see how bread was baked in the 17th century of course.”

“I'm not stupid... sweetheart. Why would we make bread at midnight you nutcase!” The elderly lady replied smugly. Mr Pailey chuckled to himself at the old couples' tittering. He was well aware that they had decided to take the tour to try and rekindle their love for one another. Although, he also knew full well that no amount of calling each other “darling” was going to aid their broken marriage.

“No, in this very building, in roughly two minutes, the Great Fire of London is going to start from that very oven,” The tour guide exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Emm... I might be wrong but shouldn't we watch the fire from outside the building?” Mr Pailey pointed out potently. As the heat of the room adjusted from simmering to boiling, Mr Pailey started to retreat. Members of the tour group groaned as he pushed against them, making an attempt to leave the room. Obviously, burning alive wasn't as big a tragedy to them. Flames had just started to erupt in the oven, the tour guide was still rooted to the spot, pointing at this oven and explaining what it was made of, who by and most important of all, how much it weighed.

Not a big deal, but I don't like 'emm...' or 'uhhh...' or 'umm...'. All of these *grunts* can be replaced by words. I do see the effect though. People always do it, hell, I say 'umm' sometimes when someone talks to me. Nothing big

“No way! Surely it's lighter than that!” A young man objected.

“No, I swear it's the truth, on one of the trips I had someone weigh it. We had to come a whole day earlier, Mr Farriner was so confused, bless him! We persuaded him it was necessary we weighed the oven to check it's safety, oh the irony,” The tour guide chuckled. Mr Pailey was rather agitated at this point, probably because the flames had started to spread and were engulfing the whole oven.

“Has anyone realised that we are about to be burnt alive?” He shouted above the talk of average oven weights of the 17th century.

“Oh come now Mr Pailey, the real excitement is when the shop assistant comes in to warn the family that their house is on fire and then they all make to escape from the upstairs window. Perhaps we should all station ourselves upstairs now... then again, I do suppose last time many of my group got severe burns, then there was the time I miscalculated when the fire would start. Lost half the group, oh deary me,” The tour guide shook his head solemnly, “Oh look at that, half the building is already alight,” His face lit up once more. After this comment, the tour group all rushed to the door and filtered out into the street. Smog hung heavily in the air. The group simultaneously raised their hands to their mouths, trying to quench the sickly feeling brought on by the smell of the sewer. The tour guide beckoned them into a nearby building, wanting to show them something of interest.

Run-on sentence to the first period. I think it's just missing a comma.

“Come, come, look! A 17th century sewing device!” He beamed, “and see this roof, what is it made of?” He pointed at the cottage's quaint roof.

“Why, it's a thatched roof, made of straw!” A young woman wearing spectacles exclaimed.

“Correct, a great material for fire! Very soon the fire will spread rapidly across this roof, the interior and wooden frame won't stand a chance,” He patted the wooden wall of the cottage. In reply to this, a little boy who was gripping his mother's hand started to scream. Not long after, the fire could be seen ducking and diving through the thatched roof. The tour group once more filtered out onto the street. It was astonishing how quick the fire had spread, buildings everywhere were erupting. The smoldering fire lapped up all in it's path. The smog was now twice as heavy, a loud crackling could be heard amid the street's residents' screams. Many of the residents rushed past the tour group, shouting for help, their simple peasant clothing now baked in smoke. The little boy of the tour group started to sing the popular song 'London's Burning', to which one man who had been passing stopped and commented, “A fine tune that be!”

Thanks Kit. I'm looking forward to it! Though I think I may need to skim over some of the last one first to refresh my memory...

fusion - Thanks very much for the suggestions. I shall drag Claire down here later today so that we can make some changes.

Jasmine - Hi there, thanks for the critique! It's great to hear from someone who's read the first novel. Well most of it. Lol. I don't believe I actually sent you the ending. I keep meaning to but I'm always on the laptop... How about this, I promise that you shall have it before the end of the month.

Yay!I just found this! Ditto what Fusion said about the first line. I think you'd need to say "view" or "his vision" as oppose to just "vision". (Which has now lost all meaning!Lol.) I'd also say "due to little ventilation" instead of "with", and I'm not sure about teh use of the word "abode." It sounds a little too vague. I'd like to know more about where he's staying, and abode doesn't really convey this.Also, I'd say "was warm" instead of "felt warm", it would just sound more certain.
I think "prevent" would work bette than "deny", but that sentence is generally excellent.I'd also put a "the" before "shelves".Also, "which was placed" instead of "that".
This paragraph set the scene very well, and was very vivid.The atmosphere is also well established.
The second paragraph is very good, but I'd say "filled" instead of "lingered". I can't really give a reason...
In the next paragraph I'd say "withdrew" or "drew" or something like that instead of "retreived", as "retreived" implies that we had just watched him putting it into his pocket.
I'd put a full stop after "London" as oppose to a comma, as it makes the dialogue sound more natural.
I'd also put an exclamation mark after "what a funny name". This is a very good paragraph.
Lol. The next one is great, and teh next, though I'm not sure that "tittering" is the right word in this context.Below-the-surface conflict seems to be bubbeling, and I really don't think they would be giggeling, it kind of trivialises what's going on between them.
I think you need to build up to thje fire more, like have the oven hissing or spitting sparks a little while before, adn being ignored, because the suddenness fo this moment really weakend its impact.Lol. Very good about the tourguide though.That's classic.
Lol. Very good. Though I'm not sure "oh deary me" is right. It sounds like a bit of an old woman tyhing to say, adn I'm not sure it fits in with teh character as he's been portrayed until now.
Lol. That last paraghraph was great.
Overall, this was very good, well written, humorous, and fresh, a very fitting opening to the sequel. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

"Mr Pailey looked upon his surroundings in a very curious manner" - this means the way he looked around was curious, not that he looked around curiously. I would revise it to make it clearer. Consider "looked about his surroundings curiously / with curiosity"


"Mr Pailey pointed out potently" - this kind of fits, but do you mean patiently? Besides, pointing something out carries the meaning of what you're trying to express, i think - you may not need an adverb

"Flames had just started to erupt in the oven, the tour guide was still..." - I would personally slap a "but" in there, before "the tour guide" - it makes it funnier in my opinion.

Those were the only things I could find, but I loved that the little boy from the tour group gave the tune of the nursery rhyme to a passerby, resulting in him writing it etc. It's good to end on a paradox.

W00p I have an account now heath!... I'm Kitty15's sister... who co wrote this piece.

Thank you! We've just started this one and are currently working on it but if you want to read any of mine/our work just have a look at my profile. If you like Mr Pailey, I suggest you start reading 'suns, planets and a whole load of balls' because he features later in that novel as a main character. I'm going to make some of those changes now...

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

“I'm not stupid... sweetheart. Why would we make bread at midnight you nutcase?!” The elderly lady replied smugly.

“Em I might be wrong but shouldn't we watch the fire from outside the building?” Mr Pailey pointed out potently.

Members of the tour group growled as he pushed against them, making an attempt to leave the room.

Flames had just started to erupt in the oven, the tour guide was still rooted to the spot, pointing at this oven and explaining what it was made of, who by and most importantly of all, how much it weighed.

“Has anyone realised that we are about to be burnt alive?!” He shouted above the talk of average oven weights of the 17th century.

“Oh come now Mr Pailey, the real excitement is when the shop assistant comes in to warn the family that their house is on fire, then they all make to escape from the upstairs window, perhaps we should all station ourselves upstairs now... then again, I do suppose last time many of my group got severe burns, then there was the time I miscalculated when the fire would start. ost half the group, oh deary me,” The tour guide shook his head solemnly, “Oh look at that, half the building is already alight,” His face lit up once more.

Smog hung heavily in the air.

The little boy of the tour group started to sing the popular song London's Burning, to which one man who had been passing stopped and commented,
“A fine tune that be!”