Note: There's a prologue before this but I'm debating removing it still so it's better to start with Chapter One!
Chapter One – Missing Faye
Fact Eight: Humans lost to suicide or high crime go against a Guardian Angel's record.
It wasn't a good day to die. There was a warm, fresh feel to the April air as it filled his lungs and his head flushed with all the reasons there were to live. Bike rides up to the hills with – skinny dipping at the lake with – eating picnics at the park. With. That was what it all came down to, so many reasons to live except they all ended with her. They all ended with her. It wasn't a good day to die but it was the right way to go. With a fall, with a jump. The weight of humanity would bring him down and then... Splat! Tobias looked at the hard concrete below his feet with a wry smirk. He took the chalk from his pocket. He marked an X on the floor and he wondered if it would be the last thing he saw.
Throwing and catching the chalk, Tobias shifted his gaze to the building in front of him. It was a small hospital: a single building of seven floors, taller than it was wide and completely incompetent. They were under-staffed and over-worked. Tobias walked up to the deserted reception desk and rang the bell. It felt cold and smooth under his hand and gave out a delighted squeal. Bells like that shouldn't be allowed in a hospital.
The receptionist came through from the back, her face hidden behind a mass of paper which she set down on her side of the glass and then looked out. Toby preferred looking at the paper to her face. It was thin and ugly with a nose like a pedigree dog and two goggled eyes that always looked surprised to see anyone at their counter. Her name badge said she was called Jenny. Toby didn't care.
“Tobias,” she said with a curdling look of sympathy. “Go on up and see her. She's looking much better today.” Toby flashed a grin but not at her; he'd moved on to studying his own haggard reflection in the glass. He was looking tired. He had a full face and winding cheek bones that sat high on his features, like a pair of baseball mitts. Toby thought his eyes were his best features, looking back at him in their disconcerting way of mix-matched hues. Both could be described as blue-green but the left was more green and the right more blue, as if they couldn't decide on a colour between them.
Toby turned away and walked on by. Maybe the x would be the last thing he saw.
Tobias rounded the corner. There was a flight of stairs to one side, the steps turning back on themselves after each floor and next to those a large lift. A polite notice advised that the hospital would like it very much if able bodied people took the stairs. Toby didn't like the hospital.
Selecting the third floor, he waited impatiently, glowering at the door. Open... open... open! He walked out and reeled a little as the smell hit him. It wasn't the old people smell - they were kept on the lower floors - it was the smell of disinfectant and cleanliness, it was the smell of a building that covered up its deaths with another spray of the air freshener. He tried to block it out. He approached the first room and turned in. Room 301.
There were four beds, two at each side of the room, a plastic chair by the closest bed and a window opposite the door. Only the furthest of the beds was occupied. Tobias shuffled uneasily in the doorway. Laura was sitting up. She was turned away from him, a crack in the hospital gown revealing the freckles on her back and a slither of knickers: blue with purple lace. She was running a brush through her long, red curls.
“Close the door will ya?” Laura put the brush down and swung her legs around, tilting her head to look over at him. Toby edged around the empty bed. He couldn't bring himself to look at the clean, fresh sheets so he looked at her instead. She had pale skin and blue-grey eyes. Her face was like a water colour painting: one that the artist's kid brother had flicked his paintbrush over, and now there were little brown dots everywhere.
“Are you much better?” Toby asked, unable to think of what else there was to say. He knew he should sit on her bed, hold her hand, kiss her, hug her, make it all better. He didn't want to. Toby believed that while there was still pain, he was remembering, and he didn't want to forget.
“Oh yes, much. I may even be able to go home later this week and then I can come over to yours and we can watch that film you got,” Laura babbled.
“It was rented.”
“Well then, rent it again. Kate said it was dead romantic when her and Danny watched it and she doesn't normally like that type of thing so it must really be good.” Dead. Toby didn't like that word. He didn't like that word so much that he wanted to push her, to hurt her. But Toby couldn't go out of this world knowing that he'd pushed a girl.
“Okay.” Toby collected the chair and brought it to the bed to sit down. Laura tried very hard not to see that anything was wrong.
“How are the meds going? I heard Ollie say you've cheered up right quickly, he was here yesterday to visit and he brung me some chocolates.” Here she raised an expectant brow and Toby robotically removed a rucksack from his shoulder and fetched out a box of heroes. Laura read the note sticky taped to the side.
“Aw, you're a sweet one Tobes, that's swell, my fav. Give us a kiss.” She leaned forward. Toby kissed her very quickly and then looked down. There were tears in his eyes. He'd thought he could handle this but it was all wrong. The wrong bed was empty, the wrong girl was...
“Laura-”
“Don't you think the window looks real bare? I think it's stupid that I'm not allowed flowers in here, if I was, would you buy me some?” Toby shrugged. He waited to see if she was finished before he tried again: when Laura wanted to say something there was no stopping her.
“I don't think we should date anymore.” He said it clearly but shuffled his feet. He wondered if he could leave now. If he wasn't dating her any longer, surely he didn't have any obligation to be there? He stole a glance at her face. She looked pale and pinched as if she was trying to suck all her features in. Maybe she was trying to look thinner so he'd like her more. Toby didn't think he'd like her any more if she was thinner; Laura was already too thin.
“That isn't at all fair,” Laura said haughtily. “And being upset isn't any excuse, I'm more upset than you are. She was my best friend!” Here Laura shut up and just in time too Toby thought. He didn't want to be talking to Laura now. She was making him mad. He could feel the anger welling in his veins and heating up his face like a pan of boiling water. He was ready to jump at her and shout. He glared into her eyes and saw that she was crying. How dare she cry! It wasn't like she really cared. If she'd cared, she would have taken more care in the first place. Stupid girls. Stupid drugs. Stupid hospital.
“I loved her,” Toby said quietly. It felt strange to say it out loud to anyone other than his dog. “And I never loved you!” Then Laura surprised him. She sneered through her tears and made herself look even more ugly. She was ugly because she wasn't her. She couldn't ever be as beautiful as her.
“Now the truth comes out, how you dated me for two years – two years! - just to be near her and I went along with it because I thought it was sweet and I thought that...” Laura's hands clenched on the bed sheets and she turned abruptly away. She wasn't going to say it. She refused to say it. “Go jump in the river, Toby.”
But Toby wasn't going to jump in the river... that wasn't the right way to die.
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140,398 Literary Works • 673,156 Reviews
Megrim here for The Big Review! So many things to choose from... but I picked fantasy because that's up my alley! Since this is a competition and all I figured I'd pull out ALL the stops, so I'll warn you now this is going to be massively long :S
I suppose I'll start at the beginning, then, with the chapter title. Normally I don't comment on those, but I wanted to mention that I felt this one was a little dull. It's too... obvious? Like, yeah, he's "missing Faye." I quite like complicated meanings in titles (favourites titles being things like To Kill A Mockingbird and The Gods Themselves)--obviously it matters for more for the book title, but I think we as authors should still push ourselves to be creative and clever beyond that.
The italicised portion is intriguing because it suggests there will be a factoid at the beginning of every chapter. There's probably some book or lecture that this is from, maybe someone studied Guardian Angels as their life work or something. I feel it's very important because it's really the only hint of fantasy that I noticed in the chapter. It suggests that things go a lot deeper than a character committing suicide and that being the end of it. Angels and maybe the afterlife may become an important element.
As far as the first line, I must admit I found it a little cheesy. I know it's a famous quote, but I feel like it's been so overused. And I immediately picture Worf saying it, which probably isn't good for your poor fantasy novel. I think you could push yourself to come up with something more unique and creative. Just adding the "don't" isn't enough for me, because I feel like you didn't put in much effort to think of your own grabby first sentence. Also since the original quote is associated with battle, and being killed by someone else, I felt like it didn't fit well with the tone of contemplating suicide.
The part with all the "withs" was a little confusing to read. It may be the formatting of the dashes, I'm not sure. I really liked "They all ended with her." I think the repetition does a great job of driving the point home. Also while I'm on that paragraph, personally I'd replace the exclamation point with a period, because the "Splat!" as it is feels a little silly for such a serious topic. I also don't understand why he thinks it's not a good time to die, but reacts to it with a wry smirk. What's he smirking about?
I felt like this was a bit... brief? Telly? I don't want a big block of description, but at the same time this didn't feel quite effective. I think if it were me, I would try to be more subtle about it to start. Like in this section he could describe more of what he's seeing, things that suggest understaffed and overworked, like flickering light bulbs, cracks in the windows/concrete, whatever else. Perhaps you don't even need to directly state that they're incompetent, just hint at it.
This sentence is awkwardly constructed. Try simplifying? "The receptionist came through the back, setting down a mass of paper on her side of the glass." Or anything to move/remove the "and then looked out" I think.
I like the voice that this has. However I thought it was referring to the paper at first. Maybe she was, instead of it was? Also when it says "Toby didn't care," I think that could be converted from a tell to a show. What do you do when you don't care? Maybe something like how his eyes glazed over the name or he forgot it a second later.
Oh, no you don't! The mirror trick is the oldest in the book and pretty cringe-worthy. Maybe, MAYBE I could forgive it if it were brief and highlighted something really important, like a big change or one particular feature he's always self-conscious about. But I just can't let you get away with stuffing in a detailed description. The awkward these-are-the-characters-hair-and-eyes-even-though-we're-in-their-POV-and-they-wouldn't-actually-care paragraphs are a big pet peeve of mine.
This is a little redundant. Does something in particular trigger this thought?
This seems strangely specific. You could probably get more bang for your buck with the descriptions if you tried to accomplish more than one thing with them. For instance, this only describes something he's seeing, but you could use it to give some tone and atmosphere too. For instance how well-lit and well-kept the stairway looks is a lot more interesting than the fact that they turn back on themselves, since all stairways do that.
This is an unneeded tell. Saying he glowered at the door and having him think impatient thoughts will show the feeling just fine without you having to say it.
Good one!
Again, I would suggest using your description time to do more than just place the objects in the room. What are the colours, textures, lighting, cleanliness like? A few words can make the difference between a futuristic glass-walled space hospital and a dark dungeon of a clinic in a third world country.
Very nice description. I'm not sure if you need so much in the paragraph following this one, since this does such a good job. I think I would trim the next bit, like this line: "Her face was like a water colour painting: one that the artist's kid brother had flicked his paintbrush over, and now there were little brown dots everywhere." Maybe shorten to, "Her face was like a water colour painting where the paintbrush had been accidentally flicked over the canvas, spraying brown dots everywhere." Or something like that so it's not so choppy, I think.
Fantastic line. That and this one, "He'd thought he could handle this but it was all wrong. The wrong bed was empty, the wrong girl was... " as well as this one, "Maybe she was trying to look thinner so he'd like her more. Toby didn't think he'd like her any more if she was thinner; Laura was already too thin."
This felt a little out of the blue to me. I think it could be foreshadowed or build up a bit more. A minute ago he was about to break down, and now he's feeling rage. Maybe you could show more of his train of thought, what exactly is making him mad.
I love this part:
The next bit falls a little flat. Laura's dialogue there didn't seem as strong to me. Kind of "As you know..." when she says "how you dated me for two years." They both know that they both know that, so it feels a little unnatural. What would you say if you were her? You could try reading it out loud to yourself to see what sounds more conversational and what sounds more forced.
Closing Comments
Plot: The first time I read this, I must admit I started feeling impatient 1/3 to 1/2 way through and skimmed ahead. I wanted to know where this was going and why. There wasn't quite enough context, I think, for me to understand Toby's position and motivations. I was trying to figure out where the fantasy part came into play as well. Once I got to the end though, I think the chapter finished with a solid hook. The tricky part is that that hook is planted in the line right at the start about the guardian angels. What I'm really excited for is to see what Toby does, and if it makes his guardian angel appear. Or maybe we get the angels POV.
Setting: I think the setting was pretty good. It was present throughout the chapter without going overboard (no long-winded chunks of explanation). I think it could be stronger if you wanted, though. You could engage more senses, particularly touch. The feel of the air, touching a cold railing, dusty this or that. Like I mentioned, the descriptions are well placed, but I think they could do a lot more for you in terms of atmosphere. Try making them more vivid without adding a lot more words.
Character: Obviously I don't like Laura, because Toby doesn't like Laura. I feel bad for Toby, but don't know a lot about him. However, I think we got a pretty good start. There is a lot of voice to the chapter, which suggests he will be a strong character. I'm content to wait and learn more about him in the next chapter.
Technique: I think the writing is quite good. It's consice and clean, without getting overly wordy or drowning itself in adjectives or what have you. In fact it may be a little too far in the other direction, and might benefit from some more vivid language here and there.
Overall impressions: This was a sad theme and I think it was well done. Like I said, my main interest is in the guardian angel, because that's just one of those topics I get automatically excited about. I expect Toby to try something, and his angel will either stop him, or meet him in the afterlife. Perhaps we'll meet Faye's angel, even.
I don't know if any of this is helpful, but hopefully there's something in there you can use! Thanks for sharing and happy writing!
Thank you for being super detailed and for addressing quite a lot of the things I'm uncertain about in this chapter. I keep going back and forth between starting with a prologue which has the fantasy elements or starting here and I think maybe I need to be starting with the fantasy to be like yep, this is fantasy, bear with me! xD
Well in real life you'd have the back of the book/blurb or the query letter, so the reader will know more going into it than we do here. I'm usually happy to be patient about something I know is coming down the road, as long as there's enough hints and crumbs along the way.
Well in real life you'd have the back of the book/blurb or the query letter, so the reader will know more going into it than we do here. I'm usually happy to be patient about something I know is coming down the road, as long as there's enough hints and crumbs along the way.
Hey there. Since you were so gracious to review for me when you knocked off the time, I wanted to do the same(That sounds super snarky but I promise I mean it sincerely!)
I don't like the word wondered. I feel like it's very tell-y, and eliminating automatically makes the sentence show-y(I've used that word way too many times in the last twenty-four hours, and it's not even a word.) Plus, you always want to be a concise when writing, and there's an easy way to do that, just turn it into a question. "Would it be the last thing he ever saw?" Perhaps you don't agree, and that's totally cool.I love how many works you have on here. I had so many things to chose from. Since Fantasy's my favorite I went with that.
I loved the way you opened it. It was very creative and artistic. It also got be a little worried, as I wasn't sure I was going to find anything to critique.
But I did.
I'm going to sue this to point out two things. The first, another way to delete words is to turn "was looking" into "looked" However, this is going to lead me to my rant about thesis statements.
While they're great in essays, in fiction they again pull your readers of the of the story. They also act as spoilers in a story. They tell us what's going to happen in the next paragraph, which destroys so potential tension in your story. For example you've told us he looks tired, so we know the next sentences will describe his tired face, rather than letting us discover though your beautiful description that he looks tired. Note, that being said, you should explore exactly what about his face makes him look tired. It's a small thing, but it makes a big difference. If you find you really a thesis statement, trying putting it at the end of the paragraph. In this case, I think you can just delete that sentence. The paragraph makes sense without it. So yes, I told you to fix it and I told you delete it. Sorry about that.
Again, I would recommend that you turn this into a question.
So, the word thatThat is an interesting word in the English language, because we often use it needlessly. For example, if you delete the word that, the phrase reads, "He glared into her eyes and saw she was crying." See, it totally makes sense and doesn't have that lovely word...that, bogging it down.
Right. That's the end. Okay, so I found like, four things. But I did find things.
This was such a great opening chapter. I feel like I know everything I need to know, and you scarcely did that thing people do in first chapters where you dumped back-story on us. yet not only do I understand Toby and Laura as characters but I understand their relationship, and their history. That's simple amazing. I'm jealous.
Other good things were that the pacing was nice. I was engaged throughout the entire chapter, and you did a beautiful job of crafting the scene. Well done.
-Art
Thank you very kindly for the review! I'm actually revising this novel at the moment so it's a good time to get comments and I'll take another look at that chapter with your feedback in mind
Hello Rydia, I hope this is the right chapter to review!
Starting off, your Fact Eight is quite interesting and hints at a system for Guardian Angels. No doubt they'll probably make an appearance later.
But not now, for right now, we have Tobias feeling suicidal as he goes through the reasons to live, all ending with some person. Here, I am a little confused when he draws and X and wonders if it will be the last thing he sees.
Is he debating jumping down from a higher height and falling to the X? I'm sorry, but I got a little confused there, as the next paragraph skips to the hospital, so is Tobias thinking of jumping from there?
"was thin and ugly [,] with a nose like a..." I believe a comma should be there. If I'm wrong, feel free to disregard this.
"A polite notice advised that the hospital would like it very much if able[-] bodied people took the stairs. Toby didn't like the hospital." I find this line quite fun. Just a note, nothing really important here.
The rest of the dialogue flows finely, and there are definitely some unanswered questions like who Tobias's previous girlfriend is, and what happened in the past.
The last line also raises some interesting questions on whether or not Tobias will kill himself later on.
Cheers! I definitely want to see more of this!
~wildwildcat
Thanks Wildcat! Yes, Toby is thinking of jumping off the hospital roof and thanks for the punctuation feedback, I'll take a close look at it and re-think! Thanks again, I'm glad you liked it
Thanks Jack, that's just the sort of review I was looking for. You're right, I have changed many of my words and style to try and accomodate for the target audience and I'm finding it quite difficult in all honesty. I've been reading teenage literature and not getting very far but I really want to write this. Maybe it's time I start looking for some middle ground. Thank you again for all the suggestions, they'll be very useful when I re-draft this.
Hey Heather,
I am indeed desperate.
This came out kind of clunky to me. I understand it's trying to be a little tantalising to the reader -- and you're trying to write his thoughts as they might be in his head -- but in terms of flow, it doesn't really work. Maybe something more coherent like "Bike rides in the hills, skinny dipping in the lake, eating bread and jam on the lawn -- not one of them to do alone blah blah blah." That's pretty much the worst example I've ever given in a review, but I think the "with" at the end of each activity makes the ready stop and start, and the sentence (and your prose) suffers for it.
The third sentence is a bit comma-spliced. I think a colon would be better after "what it all came down to". I'm not sure the repetition of "they all ended with her" adds anything -- I think you'd be better placed wording this in a different way.
I didn't particularly enjoy the first paragraph, *except* I thought the first line idea was good, subverting the notion of it usually being a "good day to die"; I also liked the idea of him marking an X on the concrete. That sort of detail was nice, but I didn't see it anywhere else really. Nonetheless a good first line always gives me some hope. I think I was initially put off by the idea of this character -- upset over a girl. Seemed a bit emo.
I'm not certain you need to call it an "English hospital". That sounds a bit weird.
Some more clunky prose here. The first sentence seems weighted badly -- it needs reshuffling. It seems a bit passive, as well. Perhaps something a bit more dramatic -- "The receptionist strode out from the back with a pile of paperwork so high it obscured her face. Dumping it to one side, Toby almost wished she had kept it there."
The description of her face could do with a bit of trimming and care. Your sentences often seem to be looked more closely and reworked so they read better. There's a lot of "ands" and run-ons. For example, you might be better writing "Thin and ugly, with a dog nose in the middle paired with two goggled eyes, her face ..."
Also, I'm not really sure I get why her name isn't Jenny? Is that important information for later?
Is "such a shame, such a shame" the receptionist's inner dialogue? It's quite confusing since this was ostensibly from Tobias' POV, and then that's sort of inserted there in the middle.
This was an odd place to describe Tobias. It seemed a forced anecdote about his eyes. Not to mention the clunky sentence explaining the mix of colours. That could be shortened, just like some of your other sentences, or at least better-worded.
I guess this is in -- Velma's?? -- POV. It was quite a confusing switch. I'm always a bit nervous about switching POVs in the middle of a chapter, it makes for bewildered reading sometimes, unless it's done carefully, which I'm not sure this was. Her thinking about his half-sisters, and little girls, was all a bit confusing to me. I understand this might have some significance later on, but right now I would have preferred to stay with Tobias and his suicidal thinking.
Hmm. Descriptions of travelling are always a bit awkward. I think most people know how stairs are usually laid out in sizeable buildings, and the notice thing is just plain odd. Perhaps a better understanding of why Tobias didn't like the hospital -- just because of its signs seems peculiar. You explain this a little bit more in the next paragraph.
Why is he getting so frustrated at the door? Is it an automatic door? I've never seen those in a hospital on the higher levels.
This sentence confused me. I think a word may be missing?
Haha, that was the best bit. Sounded like a lot of girls I know.
Actually, I'm fairly sure the dialogue is your strongest bit -- not a lot I've got to comment on there. The preceding description and POV changes are the bits that really need a look at.
Ahaha.
The prose here seemed almost too basic? I didn't buy the description of him getting angry at all, it all seemed a bit fake. Anger welling up in veins and boiling faces is all a bit cliche and not anything original that made me interested. I think you could really improve this bit, seeing as it was the real conflict finally bubbling over.
It's kinda strange how the POV just suddenly jumped again. One minute we're in Tobias' head and he's getting real angry, and then suddenly we're in Laura's head. I found it disconcerting. Also, I feel the same way here about Tobias getting angry -- I just didn't buy her emotion. It didn't sound real. It didn't really sound like how a discarded, hospitalised young girl would feel after all that's happened. It's probably not helped that you keep using the same word and especially ellipses, which always come off clunky in prose.
I get the feeling because this is a teenager audience, you've perhaps dumbed down your language? I say this tenatively, because that might come off quite insulting if that's not what you've tried to do. I think I've seen better and more evocative language from you before, though, so I feel this might be the case. If so -- I think you should reconsider your decision. Young adult novels, while they might not need be as advanced as James Joyce, still have a level of intelligence to them.
Overall, Heather, I was little disappointed by this first chapter. Not only was it relatively short, I think the description, thr switching of POVs, and the character's emotions seemed a little off. Your dialogue, however, was strong, and that gave me the best indication this is a salvageable scene. When your characters were talking, it felt like a real conversation, and I could feel in their words the actual pain. But the rest of it seemed lacking in comparison, and I hope you fix a few of the things I've brought up so you can kick your novel off with a bang, rather than a whimper.
Cheers,
Jack.