Vampire Crushes

Hi. First things first: I think this has great potential. It's an interesting idea, continuing off from the Raven with a vampire romance and all that. You definitely have something going.

BUT, you do need to work on hooking the reader a bit more and easing into things. I understand that this is short story, so it's not suppose to be extraordinarily long. However, it needs to be extended somewhat.

So, what do I suggest?
1. Write realistically. I think you're trying to hard in this story to make it sound realistic. Unfortunately, when you try to make thing sound realistic, it usually doesn't work. Sorry. You need to talk as if you are Alexe. That you're just finding out your crush is a vampire. NOBODY would take that easily. They were rebel, shut it out, faint... something would happen. People don't just think "Oh. He's a vamp. Big deal." So, try to make her reaction sound more realistic.

2. Since you need to make that more realistic, you need to add more. Tell the reader about how Alexe and Fay first met. How long she's liked him. The background information. Kill time so that the reader is learning about your characters and it doesn't seem like they've just met, and now she's learning hes a vampire. It wouldn't work that way. PLUS she could just run off screaming his a vampire. Why isn't he keeping it a secret?

Please think about this. Like I said, you definitely have lots of potential with the story. You just need to change it up some. Good luck.
Sylvia.

Although this was well written (grammatically), the entire thing is still too superficial. The revelation of being a vampire was too abrupt and without proper transition.
What was worse was Alexe's reactions, which are completely implausible. Her response of not being scared was unhesitating, and thus, implausible as well.

I think that if you'd been more experienced, this could have been more interesting. I say this because the insertion of the 'mine for eternity' thing was an interesting element to the story; an element poorly infused.

I can see you're talented, but you need to work on your scene transitions and and revelation infusion.

I really liked your story. I thought it was very well written and I enjoyed it. However, let me give you some advice: no matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney. Ever since the publishing of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, no one can get away with a vampire romance without being called a Twilight wannabe, no matter how many differences there are. You are no exception. I would suggest rewriting Fay as some other paranormal creature (perhaps a werewolf) so as not to be accused of copying Stephanie Meyer while keeping many of the plot elements. I would also advise you to check some of your transitions. For example: "...releasing my necklace, 'Come on, to my place we go.'" should read: "...releasing my necklace. 'Come on, to my place we go.'" I also suggest that you change "My blood turned to ice, and I froze". Sorry, but I just couldn't help laughing at that one.

~Kingofwernogs, Fact Checker

First off, I LOVE your characters' name! Also, the Edgar Allen Poe reference is AMAZING! Plus, the last three sentences are the perfect way to end this prologue!


There are some errors in the post, though.
Like this:
"All 6' feet and 4 inches of him.His" - you're missing a space, and this makes everything seem a bit choppy.


Another thing is the punctuation and phrasing.
Ex: "I can't see him in the mirror. Only myself, "I can't see you."" - there should be a period instead of a comma after "myself"

"Well, since I bit you. You are now mine for eternity, if I changed you, you could run off, but not now, I didn't kill you, I controlled myself, you're mine."" - this is a bit of a run on sentence. You could add a period after words like "eternity" ; "run off" ; and "now" . But in the very beginning, the period shouldn't be there. Try replacing it with a comma. The only other thing that needs fixing in this part after all that would be adding "so" to the last part. The final sentence would look like this: "Well, since I bit you, you are now mine for eternity. If I changed you, you could run off. But not now. I didn't kill you, I controlled myself, so you're mine.""


Over all, its very good. I liked your characters and there was a few hints of humor in there, so it was enjoyable to read. I hope to read more!

~MusicIsLife

Ok! So I'm here to give you a review!

First thing's first. Re-read your post. There are quite a few typos here and grammatical errors. For instance: "I hear a knock on the door and hurry downand take a moment, calm down, Alexe, just take a moment."
there should be a space between down and "and" but also you have one too many ands here and so this sentence is... awkward.

Another thing! I'm not sure if you know this or not... (I didn't know how to do this for years) But your punctuation for your dialogue is off: "I get a small grin out of him, "Maybe, maybe not." he exhales through his nose, releasing my necklace, "Come on, to my place we go.""
So you'd need to capitalize HE in this.

And: "I smile, "Does that mean you wanna kiss me?""
Should be a new paragraph and indentation.

Ok so now that the grammar is out of the way... (just re-read for that) I'd like to say that this isn't so much a prologue as a... later chapter? I don't know. Prologues are usually little bits that don't necessarily have anything to do with the story at first, hint at something that is to come, or is the pre-everything to the story you're going to tell. This seems like it's the third or forth or even fifth chapter to whatever story you're thinking up.

Another thing, it is far too short to allow the time to elapse and like... move freely. Hmm... it's kind of like a summary, so to speak. If that helps. Like... A girl, Alex but spelled like Alexe, is in love with a vampire. She goes to his house and flirts like they're dating but he's ONLY her crush. Oh while she's there, she finds out he's a vampire, notices he has wings, notices that OH! she has bite marks she doesn't know about... and now she's just ok with her crush being a vampire that already bit her and claimed her as his own. You see what I mean here?

You need to add more details to it. You need to elaborate. Were they friends before? Was he knew to the school and they just met? When did he bite her? When did he meet her? Why her? There are a lot of unanswered questions and sometimes that's ok, but in this... not really.

That was the bad news! Now for the good news!

I do love stories with vampires so I do like this, I also like your short paragraphs though it might get annoying if you were to write a LOOOONG chapters with one line paragraphs. So yea, I want to find out about this vampire romance.

Now for the warning!
Vampires are supposed to be suave, sexy, romantic, alluring. So make your vampire so. If you don't, it'll be more like a parody. Also, be careful not to go all Twilight with your vampire and the story. And make sure Alexe doesn't turn into a Bella all emotionless and suicidal by having her tripping over herself just to be beside a vampire. Ok? I'll be watching you... O.o
NO SPARKLES! Haha. Ok so... yea that's it. Oh! And you said that's how he got his nick-name but you never said what that nick-name was... just saying. So that's it... keep writing, I'll be waiting to hear more about this vampire.

~Nightlyowl