*Hey guys, whassup? Oh, right.. The sky. Anyways, this is an idea, and mostly I wanted to see how well my description could be. To make this easier to understand, Kat is Shadow's mate. Shadow is immortal, and he's physically stuck at the age of around 25/27. She isn't immortal, and this is what happens...*
The room had a musky smell to it, but it was the smell of home and an old woman, and nearing, waiting Death. The carpet floor was stained just about everywhere with just about everything. Blood, fruit punch, venom, urine, vomit, and every other bodily fluid there was. The bed was large, longer than seven feet and wide. The musky room itself was large, and pictures of babies, and other family members filled the walls.
The old woman in the bed lay almost completely still, her breathing echoed through the tense room and every other breath she coughed. The noise rumbled in her chest and made the man sitting on the floor beside the bed wince. The man was large, and he had long, thick black hair that ran down his back to his tailbone. His face was soft, and his eyes were a bright, almost unearthly green. But they were soft and gentle as he ran his fingers through the woman's hair. The old woman had her own hand in his hair, tangling her fingers in it gently.
In the room where a few other people, who all sat near or on the bed. They didn't touch the woman, just watched.
"Shadow," the old woman coughed heavily when she said his name, and Shadow winced.
"Yes? Do you need some water?" He asked quickly. "Kat, don't talk." he whimpered.
"No, I just-" Kat coughed again and gripped his hair, "Love you."
Tears welled up in Shadow's eyes and he nodded, "I love you too." He whispered quietly. He closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to stop the tears, but they leaked down onto his cheeks and he took her hand and kissed the back of it.
Kat coughed heavily and shifted. She watched him, silent. Her breathing started to shallow out after a few minutes and she gripped his hand, "Shadow, I love you."
"Please," the man cried softly, "don't leave. I love you." He sat up more to see her better.
The old woman coughed again and her breathing stopped after a minute. Shadow dropped his head onto the bed and started to sob softly. He clutched her cooling hand and curled up beside the bed.
The other people in the room started to cry as well. Shadow let out a bellow of pain after a few minutes and buried his head against the bed. His shoulders shook with sobs and his hair stuck to his cheeks and chin.
After half an hour, the other family members got up to let him wade in his sorrow alone...
*Yesh it was short, but it was sad to write so. I just want critique on my descriptions, etc.*
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Why hello there.
I'm Amoniel, and you have the fortune (probably misfortune actually) of being the target of my first (attempted) review!
Since this is a sadder story, I don't think that comical element feels right in this situation.
First off, I really liked this - it is unique and interesting, and it got the emotions stirring. It left me with the feeling of 'why has it ended already? D:'. The critique that follows is slightly forced, as I had to scrabble to find things wrong with it. xD
"but it was the smell of home and an old woman, and nearing, waiting Death."
It made sense up until ',and nearing, waiting Death.' I don't think that the comma after woman should be there - it gives the reader pause and and to me implied that Death was being attributed to the old woman, not a separate thing (which I think you intend). This seems to be a reoccurring theme within your writing, and I think it might be a style, since this is also used in several other places. It confuses me, but if that is how you roll, then continue rolling. xD
"Blood, fruit punch, venom, urine, vomit, and every other bodily fluid there was."
Two words. Fruit punch?!
"The old woman in the bed lay almost completely still, her breathing echoed through the tense room and every other breath she coughed."
'her breathing echoed' - The fact that it echoed would imply that she is still breathing strong, since from the description the room seems to be rather large, so I think it would stop the echo.
"don't leave. I love you."
The repetition of 'I love you', while touching, takes away from the power of the previous statement that he has made - the plead for her not to leave.
"He sat up more to see her better."
How would one go about sitting up more? O.o It might just be me, but maybe 'sat up straighter' would fit better.
"After half an hour,"
The acute sense of time feels off in this context. It doesn't have to change, but maybe a different set of vocabulary would help to enhance the feeling of grief.
All in all, this was a wonderful story, and I would encourage you (or force you with a knife in the middle of the night if I have to) to write more of this!
-Amoniel
Thanks! The reason it was so short is because, I was like, "I can't do this to my baby Shadow any longer!"
Well, TheProviant here, going to review!
Okay, wow.
After reading this I said to myself
"that's pretty heavy!"
I mean, unlike Anabelle, I have seen very few stories where a immortal falls in love with a mortal. Period.
So this was pretty interesting for me, as I'm currently "secretly" writing a work with that kind of scenario, but haven't explored its possibilities.
Food for thought I guess.
You did a really good job in such a small amount of words, maybe you should try expanding it and seeing what you come up with?
Again, just food for thought.
Good job on this, keep it up!
TheProviant
Thanks
Hey there!
First off, what an interesting topic to write about! Most love stories between a mortal and immortal explore the idea of what would happen as one grew older while the other stayed young, but most of them just end up in the mortal becoming immortal. This actually showed what it would be like to have those two lovers go through the pain of losing each other.
I honestly have no complaints or critiques except the fact that it was so short. It's not even a critique really - I just want more! It's so damn interesting... and sad.
Anyways, this is really fantastic. I hope you take this story further; I would definitely be interested in reading more. Keep doing what you're doing.
XOXO
Anabelle
Thanks