Steel Crow
Angels aren't always White
Proluge
I look over at my best friend, Steel. He gives me one of his rare smiles and looks away. I sigh heavily, finally understanding the wieght of our situation. Its a heavy, unmoving wieght, that seems to fill my chest, making it hard to breathe. I close my eyes, and breathe in the air steadily, the smell of rain dancing with the scent of roses. A heavenly scent. I hear Steel sigh and open my eyes. He looks over at me, his eyes seem to laugh, foolishly laugh. I smile. He slowly, ever so slowly, opens his dark wings.
That was my first attempt at peotry, you like?
I'm Jax, short for Jaxx. My last name is Steelio, I don't have a middle name. I'm not going to give you freaking poetry, because, I'm not like that. I'm a fourteen year old girl, with wings. Bird wings. I'm not going to fool you, Steel is a person too, a handsome, tall, dark fifteen year old, who doesn't understand the word, "Home", or "Love". We grew up in animal cages. Now we're free, after fourteen years in a cage, its hard to get use to things. Its hard to get use to having to stand up all the way, or wear actual clothes, we were bare for most of our lives, I'm not going into detail...
But, if your up to it, come along on our little adventure, did I say little? I meant, death at everyturn, explosions, blood, gore, voilence, crime, and any thing else you wanna heap on the pile. 'Cause thats what your infore. So don't go eww! At the blood or anything. Act real and live with the moments we go through, don't stop, your life may depend upon this book. We aren't just playing a game. We're playing the game that every criminal goes through, every sick or evil person goes through, with only one exeption, we're good, not insane, its for your good. So you can kiss the world goodbye, and stop reading, or go on ahead and throw your arms around me or Steel (Preferably Steel) and kiss us 'till we knock your teeth in, so we can go on with saving the world, cause in this game, there's no restart button. Its a life or death situation, and now, your part of it. Enjoy.
Chapter 1 Jaxx
I jump off the building, unfurling my wings at the last second, I hear Steel groan, and follow. He keeps in perfect pace with me, moving his wings steadily, at the same speed. I look over at him, his long black hair is up in a ponytail, some of it came out though, swatting at his face like seaweed, black, glossy, soft, tangles in your hands, seaweed. Forget what I said about tangling in your hands.
I sigh and brush his dark wing ever so slightly with mine. He meets my gaze, and gives me one of his rare smiles, my heart leaps, and I have to remember to flap. He laughs and brushes my wing. His dark eyes seem to smile, despite their emiotion lack, and they go back to normal a second later. His face shows no emiotion now, and he remains quite, not unusal for him. I look ahead and slowly angle myself underneath Steel, then fold my wings and shoot down. He follows silently. I unfurl my wings and land quitely.
"We'll make camp here. Then we go over the plan." I say.
"Aye-Aye, cap." Steel says.
We stretch the blanket over a few branches, over a fork in a tree. We sit down, our legs hanging from the fork.
"Okay, tonight, we go in and get them. Its, let me think, Subject 3, 4, 5, 6, maybe 7." I say.
"Seven." Steel says tasting the word. I roll my eyes, Seven was his girlfriend, she was so annoying and loved to get on my nerves. I almost killed her, witch makes Steel want her more then ever.
"So, you liked 8. Before I checked him out." Steel says with that coolness that never seems to leave him. Steel killed Eight, I liked Eight. He was nice and sweet, and- No, I can't think about him anymore.
"Your lucky if I spare Seven. I hate her." I snarl.
"You only hate her because she got my lips first, and our DNA, didn't go together. We were soulmates." Steel says, with that calmness that washes over his words, true, I liked Steel first. But I'm not a jeaulous idiot, even if Steel lets me have his lips now, it won't matter once Seven is back. He'll be stuck to her like glue.
"I hate Seven. And if I get the chance, because I'm the leader, I will rip her throat out, just like you killed Eight, I will make it unforgetable." I hiss.
I remember the day Eight died, he was so handsome, they called him my "mate". They let us in a more spacious area, so we could stand, they let Steel in, Eight thought Steel was going to take me away from him. They thought, it was bloody, Steel won. I remember looking at Eight's crumpled body, his throat ripped out, some of his blood splatterd the walls. Steel was covered in blood, and was bleeding from bite wounds. I remember the scientist carting his body away, talking quickly. I remember weeping like an idiot. I remember Steel holding me. Saying things I can't think of to this day. I will never know what words came out of those lips, over the tongue, dancing among the teeth. But, I can't stand Seven, her long blonde hair that she wips around like a lunatic. Her devilish smile, the look in her blue eyes, her lust and passion. Thinking about it makes me sick.
"If you want her alive, we are going to make a deal." I say bitterly. Steel lets out a huff of air, letting me know he understands.
"The first time she steps out of line and questions me, or my plan, I'll spare her, the second, I will rip her throat out, and make it as long and painfull as possible. I will laugh over her moans and cries for mercy. I hate Seven, and its only fair I kill your soulmate. I'll burn her afterwords and dance around in her ashes, mocking her legend." I know it sounds horrible, and inhumane, but I mean it, I grew up in a place of evil and hate. Steel and Eight were the good things that let me see the good in life. And Seven is unbearable, she deservese everthing I said, she is a sick and evil person who only likes Steel because their DNA apperantly "Matches." She enjoys mean jokes and only acts nice and sweet around Steel. Lets see how long she can keep up the act this time...
"If it sounds right to you. I know you hate Seven, but you should look over the differences, and see the good in her." Steel says, his calmness washing over me.
"The only reason she likes you is because she got to see you naked, thats all that matters to her sick mind. That and she has that attitude where she can win any man. Even you Steel." I say.
"Her mind doesn't work like that, clothed or not clothed, she loved me, still loves me, and we have a connection like no other." Steel says his voice begining to rise, bitterness at the ends.
"Yes her mind does work like that. You can't see the big picture can you? The only thing you like about her is her hair, and eyes. And where does that connection happen? Hmm? When does it happen? How does it happen? Does it involve your lips?" I say.
"You only hate her because she loves me, and you don't have anyone to say "I love you" too! The connnection is mental you fool! It invloves no physical contact! She's the one with the sick mind? Whats goin' on in your head? Huh?" He yells at me. His words lick my face like a snakes tongue, bitter at the end, and more sinsiter as it goes on. I don't know how to come back. So I shut up, plain and simple.
CHAPTER 2 Steel
God, sometimes Jaxx, gets annoying.
Yes, I liked Seven, and Jaxx doesn't see the good in her. I don't like to yell, but when I do it has a major effect on Jaxx. And thats a good thing. I watch her carefully. Searching her face for the sigh of any emtion. Hurt, loss, and sadness are what I find.
"I'm Sorry Steel." She says wiping her eyes. I don't answer, instead, I retreat into myself. I feel her eyes on me thought, those beautiful brown eyes, dark brown, with that laughter that never seems to leave them. I let out a small growl.
Hi! gauravkundu32 is here to review your work
First of all, I'd say that critics have already done a great job and there is nothing left for me to say about the grammatical mistakes. I'll skip that step and directly move towards the plot.
I like this work seriously from heart. I like the flow of the story and the structure of the plot is nicely framed. The second chapter is a bit short , I say but it is fine . The imaginative power of yours is very nice. I like the dialogues .The characters are well defined though a more depth into the characters would be highly appreciated . Rest everything is fine and I wish you write more about it as I am very curious to know about Seven and stories also.
With best wishes.
Keep writing
-gauravkundu32-
Hi there!
Here's a review which I hope will help you!
Firstly I will start with the pros: Well done! This is a very interesting piece of work with a good story line and interesting characters I would like to read more about! I agree with HopelessAbandon that your story is very similar to James Patterson's Maximum Ride series however I still like your ideas and where this story is going!
Now for the things to improve on:
"That was my first attempt at peotry, you like? " <- I am not sure who you are talking to
here? I'm not even sure who is talking? If this is you asking the reader then put it into brackets and just make it clear who is talking. Also "peotry" is spelt "poetry"
"and now, your part of it." <- I just wanted to comment on how much I like this! I love how
you address the reader directly, to get our attention!
"tangles in your hands, seaweed. Forget what I said about tangling in your hands" <- Again
who are you talking to? Steel or the reader? This isn't very clear, also "Tangles in your hands, seaweed" doesn't sound right to me so maybe try "tangling in his hands like seaweed", that way it has a nicer flow.
"emiotion lack" <- This doesn't really make scene so I would change this to "lack of emotion" or "lacking emotion" Also "Emiotion" is spelt "Emotion" but spelling isn't a such a big deal to me.
"His face shows no emiotion now" <- You have already used "emotion" so I would find a different word.
"thought" <- I think you mean "fought"
I saw some other spelling mistakes but I think WinterHawk393 covered most of them. But don't let spelling put you off, like I said it is not the most important factor for me. What helps me is reading the whole piece slowly aloud to myself! It really helps!
I think before you end each chapter you need to leave the reader with more mystery and suspense so you capture our attention. Try telling us a little more about what Jaxx and Steel are planning in chapter one, so it's a little more exciting and mysterious.
In addition I was a little confused about chatper two? Is it the whole chapter or just a bit of it? Also Chapter Two is the same setting and time as Chapter one so I think only finish the chapter when Jaxx and Steel's conversation has stopped.
Overall though keep working on this, it is looking good and I look forward to reading more!
Hope this helped!
~*Annapurna*~
Alright, my first comment has to do with the actual plot itself. Have you ever heard of the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson? Because this is almost exactly the same as that series. Down to the animal cages, the ages of the characters, and the personality of Steel. If you didn't intend for this, I'm sorry, but this probably belongs in the Fanfiction section.
Secondly, the relationship between Jaxx and Steel doesn't make any sense to me. Do they love each other? Does Steel love Seven? Does Steel love both of them? Are they just friends? I really didn't know what you were trying to say.
Winterhawk already covered a lot of the grammar stuffs, so I won't go into that. Don't get me wrong, I like where you're going with this, but like I said, its been done before. If you meant for this to be a sort of off-shoot of this series, or a continuation, then awesome! I can't wait to read more. If not, you may want to rethink some of your ideas.
Sorry if this seemed harsh. >.< But I figured someone ought to tell you!
alright, I really like your story. It's really intriguing and I love the names you picked. I'm also curious why these people were kept in cages and why there are people called subject 3, 4, 6, etc. I can't wait to read more! You also do a great job with adjectives, detail and description. it wouldn't hurt to describe the scenery a bit more though, to help the reader see exactly where the characters are at and make it easier to connect.
You're biggest problems are spelling, abuse of commas, and incorrect punctuation in quotations.
spelling mistakes:
prologue
weight
poetry
violence
exception
unusual
emotion
deserves
whips
painful
apparently
involves
sinister
which instead of witch
and "everyturn" is "every turn," 2 separate words
grammatical mistakes:
Steel is a person too, a handsome, tall, dark fifteen year old, who doesn't understand the word, "Home", or "Love".
--> there should be no comma after "Home"
get use to
--> get used too (it's a common mistake for people to leave out the "d" because it's hard to hear when spoken out loud)
or wear actual clothes, we were bare for most of our lives, I'm not going into detail...
--> overuse of commas, these should be separate sentences
--> or wear actual clothes. We were bare for most of our lives. I'm not going into detail...
'Cause thats what your infore.
--> "infore" is not a word and "your" is the incorrect form.
--> 'Cause that's what you're in for.
with only one exeption, we're good, not insane, its for your good.
-->with only one exception: we're good(not insane) for your good.
or
-->with only one exception: we're good, not insane. It's for your good.
throw your arms around me or Steel (Preferably Steel)
--> don't put a space between a word and a parenthese if the two topics are connected, and don't capitalize inside of parentheses unless it's a stand-alone sentence.
--> throw your arms around me or Steel(preferably Steel)
Its a life or death situation, and now, your part of it.
--> again, incorrect use of "your"
--> It's a life or death situation, and now, you're part of it.
unfurling my wings at the last second, I hear Steel groan,
--> overuse of commas - these are two separate sentences because there are 2 different subjects
--> unfurling my wings at the last second. I hear Steel groan,
I look over at him, his long black hair is up in a ponytail,
--> same as before with the commas.
--> I look over at him. His long black hair is up in a ponytail,
despite their emiotion lack
--> despite their lack of emotion
I roll my eyes, Seven was his girlfriend, she was so annoying and loved to get on my nerves.
--> commas
--> I roll my eyes. Seven was his girlfriend. She was so annoying...
"Your lucky if I spare Seven."
--> incorrect "your"
--> You're lucky if I spare Seven.
"We were soul mates."
--> past tense insinuates they WERE soul mates, but aren't soul mates any longer.
--> We are soul mates.
with that calmness that washes over his words, true, I liked Steel first. But I'm not a jeaulous idiot, even if Steel lets me have his lips now
--> commas, and I missed a spelling mistake. "jeaulous" is "jealous"
--> with that calmness that washes over his words. True, I liked Steel first. But I'm not a jealous idiot. Even if Steel let me have his lips now
just like you killed Eight, I will make it unforgettable.
--> just like you killed Eight. I will make it unforgettable.
I remember the day Eight died, he was so handsome
--> I remember the day Eight died. He was so handsome
so we could stand, they let Steel in,
--> so we could stand. They let Steel in.
or my plan, I'll spare her, the second,
--> or my plan, I'll spare her. The second,
and inhumane, but I mean it, I grew up in a place of evil and hate.
--> and inhumane, but I mean it. I grew up in a place of evil and hate.
Steel and Eight were the good things that let me see the good in life.
--> saying "good" twice is repetitive
--> Steel and Eight were the only things that let me see the good in life.
And Seven is unbearable, she deservese everthing I said, she is a sick and evil person
--> And Seven is unbearable. She deserves everything I said. She is a sick and evil person
she got to see you naked, thats all that matters
--> she got to see you naked. That's all that matters
"Her mind doesn't work like that, clothed or not clothed,
--> "Her mind doesn't work like that. Clothed or not clothed,
sometimes Jaxx, gets annoying.
--> sometimes Jaxx gets annoying.
I feel her eyes on me thought,
--> I feel her eyes on me though,
and last one. quotations are supposed to be ended with a comma, not a period.
i.e. "I'm sorry Steel," she says wiping her eyes.
i.e. "If you want her alive, we are going to make a deal," I say bitterly.
with a question mark or exclamation point
i.e. "What time is it?" she asked.
i.e. "We won!" my best friend screamed.
only use a period when the following sentence is unrelated to the sentence in quotes.
i.e. "I'm going to the store." My mom ignored me.
i.e. "I wonder where I put my glasses?" She searched high and low but couldn't find them.
anyways, keep writing! I want to read more!