Note: Yeah, I used some lyrics from songs, don't criticize on that, they said it before I had the chance to shout out.
Shout Out!
Word on the street you got something to show me, me.
Is this gonna be a shout out?
Those girls want the eye popping, jaw dropping, head turning, body shocking!
Do you wanna know what a Shout Out is?
I'll tell you.
It makes your heart racin,
Your body shakin,
Your mind blowin.
Shout Outs are what you wanna say!
The words have to fall out!
It doesn't matta,
we get all the clatta.
No rhyme scheme to follow,
Its just a Shout Out!
Lyrics from a song, or one you made up!
Are ya brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Shout Outs are us.
And we are Shout Outs.
Shout Out!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, so this made me smile!
Nothing much to really critique in this poem. As you state within the poem itself, this is supposed to more of a stream of consciousness type piece with no real rhyme or meter.
But I feel like you're missing a big opportunity here. Right now, this is really just a fluff piece, which is perfectly okay. This is just something for fun, and it's not supposed to be much more than that. Yet, I think you have lots of room to really delve deeper. Rather than simply saying, "You gotta shout out!," instead, tell the reader what's worth shouting out about. Why do you shout out?
In fact, what would be great is if you kept this poem as is, but then added a second from the viewpoint of another person where they shout out about their life. I could easily see this becoming a novel about a bunch of street rough kids who go around shouting out!
Anyhow, I enjoyed this!
Sounds cool! I like the beat and tone you've set. It really livens things up.
If I wer to give you one bit of advise, though, it would be that you need to put more of a message into your work. And either you've got to make it more punk/gangster or less. Because you've got those two words: clatta and matta. They are very well used, but almost too abrupt since it would seem that you just up and changed your writing style half way through.
I think using song lyrics was a cool idea. Different is cool. Be unique and you'll rise above everyone else.