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Save Yourself

by Rurouni


"Alexandria Wind!" That's me, NO NO NO! I can't do this, I can't.

But it's already too late.

I'm pushed through the crowd, forced up onto the stage.

"Dak Olidor!" He's pushed through, struggling and fighting, I know him, we've talked and ate lunch, he's one of the quietest people I know.

"Now, kiddies, stay alive." And we're whisked away into a small, white room, making Dak, stand out.

"They said your name wrong." It's all I can say at the moment, I'm too scared, and, can't get a hold on reality.

"Yes, they said, D-A-ke. It's D-a-k." He shrugs.

"Call me Alley."

"Alright then. I didn't know they put you in this quick."

"They need the people quick. It's as long as you can last, the longest was five years I think."

"Let's hope it's short. Dangerous can't describe these games."

"Dak, what do you mean?"
"Don't you understand? This game isn't just dangerous."
"How is it not dangerous?"
"Because, it's not the worse."
"How can you say that? Every two years or whatever, kids and teens like us get killed in these games."
"It isn't the worst."
"How?"
"I would rather spend a year fighting off teenagers, and kids, then waking up every morning, knowing, any second, my world can crash down."
"So, home is worst then this?"
"At home, kids are killed everyday. Here, they have a chance."
With a tight swallow, I understand,
"I remember, you told me, There are more dangerous games to play."
"There are more dangerous games to play, and we are the Danger in it."

"What?"

"I have high skill in hunting, and killing, we will live. Two of us get out, and that's us two." He holds out his hand, and I take it, strong, knowing I have a chance now.

"So it'll be."

"Danger is just the fun, wait until we get in the arena, danger is just fun and play then.' Dak says, his dark eyes searching me.


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Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:51 am
wildwildcat wrote a review...



Hey, it's me, wildwildcat, to engage in a bout of July Christmas reviewing!
Your first chapter is awfully short, and it doesn't set much groundwork for the premise. All we really know is that teenagers are sent somewhere where they play some twisted games and try to survive. There is no clear motive or reason, and the entire concept IS pretty similar to the Hunger Games. Additionally, without any real prior knowledge of Dak's relationship to Alexandria, I can't really figure out if they are friends, acquaintances, or simply strangers. From the dialogue, I can sort of grasp a sense that they have a sense of familiarity, but a little background information would go a long way to helping me understand exactly who they are to each other.
Dak and Alexandria's conversation could be made much more clear if you mentioned who says what after each quote, This reduced the amount of confusion when at the end, it is suddenly Dak who mentions "Danger" and games.
Grammatical errors and fllow ahve been pointed out already.
wildwildcat




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Mon May 27, 2013 7:38 am
Rurouni says...



Updated.




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Sun May 26, 2013 7:46 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey Pegasus! Black here for a Review Day Review! Another.

Okay, I'm catching a wisp of intriguing fan-fiction floating around this story. Am I right or am I right? You have decent grammar, and spelling, a good, though not original, idea, and lots of prospective action. However, on top of these strong points you also have all the usual weaknesses that we newbie writers carry. These include, if not are exclusive to, ONLY decent grammar and spelling, not enough originality, and a terrible, information-less plot.

Don't feel put out! All writers have to go through this stage! All! Ever PhD was once a freshman! Remember that! I'm here as a teacher to give you a boost toward that PhD. :) I'm going to go through each of your weak points and try to help you fix your problems! So here goes!

We are goin' to start with Grammar:

Okay, so what I'm going to do here is I'm going to show you a number of examples of problems in your grammar, I'm going to help you fix them, and then I'm going to generalize out of them and give you those suppositions so that you don't make them again! So here goes!

"Alexandria Wind!" She calls, and the guards start pushing me towards the stage. I look back, my best friend is on that crowd, and I may never see her again.

You might do well to call 'She', the 'announcer' or something like that for the first meeting! Also, once she says something then you can follow up with what happens in a new sentence. Not in the same one. Also: Generally speaking people are 'in' crowds, not 'on' them. :) (p.s. 'Might' might work better for you than 'may').

"And, our fellow people! Wish them luck!" Then, we're wisked away. I can't see past the bright lights, until finally, we're in a room, alone with eachother.

Okay, 'eachother' should be two words, 'each', and 'other'. 'wisked' should be 'whisked' as well. The piece of dialogue about 'our fellow people' doesn't make much sense, you might want to change your wording there.

"Indeed, Dak." He holds out his hand, I take it. Then, an older man bursts through the door.

I'm just gonna re-write this for you and leave you to choose what you want:'”Indeed! Dak,” he holds out his hand. I hesitate and then take it. Suddenly the door bursts open and an older man steps in (Describe him!)'. Its not perfect, but it's better.

Dak, what a handsome young man, long black hair, and black eyes.Why am I thinking this? Keep your eyes on the prize Alley.

Don't you think it's a bit early to star this? I mean, you could start this kind of thing maybe . . . 3 chapters in. :) Right here it's a little bit out of place. You need a space after 'eyes.'.

Anyway. From what I see, you're just really awkward with grammar right now. Don't worry, all you need for that is a bit more practice. Time and practice – You'll get good grammar. Don't fret too much about it right now. There's no need. But, I would advise you to do two things. A: Get a spell/grammar checker. And B: make a habit of reading your work out-loud to yourself before you post it.

Okay. Look, another thing that we beginners do a lot is we don't put in enough details. You do it to! Look, you need to develop your story! You need to move it along, nice and easy. You need to do it right! Otherwise . . . your story is dead. You can't just jump into the action, you have to lead up to it. A first chapter such as this one should really answer a lot of questions. Questions like: What district are they from? What time is this? What's her best friend's name? . . . Back story and information questions.

But don't worry. This, like grammar, will, with time and practice, knead itself out of your writing! So don't worry about it too much. But be warned! Don't ignore it. Be conscious of the fact that you don't put in enough information! Make yourself put in more! You will improve!

So, peace out, here! Good work! I enjoyed! Keep writing - Guaranteed improvement!


~Black~




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Sun May 26, 2013 3:25 am
WillowCutz wrote a review...



Reveiwing comence!

Yawn. Sorry it,s late and, yawn, your story is VERY predictable. Yeah she thinks the guy next to her, her teacher doesn't have anything new to add, she'll never see her friend again. WHOOP-DEE-DOO! They did that all in the real Hunger Games. It's all very fun and awesome, but you need your own ideas sweetheart, otherwise it's called copying and it makes for a not very exciting bookstore.
#1 rule of writing, if you are writing because you were inspired by something else you read, think about it carefully. How closely is it to what you read? If so, scrap or fiddle with it for a while. Instead of Dak looking cute what if he was a small squat kid who she figured would die in the first few minutes. Or maybe he's super buff and she's preparing to die already. And maybe instead of a unhelpful guide he's speaking so fast she can't understand him. Either way this plan of action is too close HG, I know it's supposed to be that way but it needs a spin.

Also, the writing is too overdramatic. You are trying WAY too hard. Instead of saying, "I may never see her again." try something more entertaining and realistic. If you were be taken away from all the people you love, what would you think about your friends in the final seconds? I would think something more like, "these gaurds are too pushy," or "Holy Cheese! Stop dragging me away! I want a hug!" I personally wouldn't process that I'd never see her until I couldn't see her. I saw that line coming the moment I started reading.

Then the begining is too quick, what about before? Why should I care about her friend. What district is she from? What does it all look like?

You should never overexplain a scene, but you should at least tell us the important stuff. Like if two people are in a room, what color is it, how does it make them feel, are they squished together? Then you tell us that the room spontaneously combusts and they take the stairs out. What stairs, all I know is it's a room that's on fire. Get what I'm saying? I'll admit if I'm paralyzed by fear I might not notice what color the room is or that I've been moved to spot A to spot B. but I should at least notce where I stand in relation to the others and who calls my name, and who is standing there with me.

Lastly, how when the heck did they get in the room. They just got chosen and suddenly "Finally we're in a room..." it feels like you didn't want to write what it feels like on the stage and how they were wisked away. It really needs something longer than a sentence, I missed it the first time I read it.

Good luck, and happy review day.
Willow




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Sun May 26, 2013 3:11 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



Hey mutant!
ED here to review.

First off, this is very short. Try and get your ideas worked out a bit more, more concrete, before submitting. (Hey, it costs after all)

First thing I noticed was “Hey, this isn’t based off the HG, this IS the Hunger Games.”

The second thing I noticed that this was moving fast. Very fast. No description of location besides “the white room.” It’s like I’m reading your writer’s journal or something… creepy…

However, I can give you a few tips:

1. Don’t go for cliché characters. Less than a hundred words, and I can probably describe each person mentioned almost exactly. Why? Because they’re stereotypical. Your characters need to be instantly unique---what makes them different than anyone else we’ve ever read about?
2. Dialogue. Dialogue is a wonderful writers tool that can be used for great impact. It should reflect reality, but be fresh and original to the story and the story world. Nothing was orignal about the dialogue here. But I think that mostly comes from it being so fast. So anyways, just keep things new and interesting when you sit down to write for real.
3. If this is based off the HG, then how is it different? How is it YOUR story? Right now I just see a greatly shortened version of something I’ve already seen. How are you going to turn this into a new idea?

The one thing that grabbed my attention was Dak’s line: “There are more dangerous games to play.” It reminded my of a short, “The Most Dangerous Game.” Which is why I’ll ask you: why does this have to be about games at all? You could do something no one has ever seen before! (If you must do games though, there aren’t just HG games… look at the difference between Deadman Wonderland and Gladiator to see what I mean)

At any rate, it will be interesting to see what you turn this into. Keep working at it!

-ED





Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead