I don't get pretty girls, and how You
can like them. I really don't get how you Love
them. They like being thin, so skinny they look smaller than Me.
and I really don't get how being skinny does anything To
help them get boys, boys. Its like they want to be one with Death.
~
And they're just way too Skinny
like a glass' Waist.
And they have Big
attitudes. And swing their Hips
all around with their Big
sunglasses. Their tops are too small I can almost see their Breasts.
~
I really just don't get it, But
that's your decision, Baby.
As long as you love me, We
are meant to be together for-ever. Aren't
we so perfect in our dream land? tales are Meant
to end with 'happily ever after'. To
be together is perfect and I really love it. Be
my prince charming, rescue from the dragon. Together.
~
Life has been easy, living in this Fantasy
with just you and me, in this Dream
life is really just easy, I really like it. Boy,
you make my heart explode! With
fireworks and shooting stars. Black
nights with sparklin' cars, yeah. my Hair
is waving in your fa-ace, as we drive 'round. And
you know I love you. my Eyes
are on fire with tears of happiness. That
is just my dream. Are
we hanging out tonight? My lips are all Red
redder than a rose. This is the end of the poem, now go home.
~
*Ahhh! I was suppose to be writing a story and this just kind of... Popped up. Yes the capitalization is wacko, but its there for a reason ;). This is free form poetry, so no buggin' on that. And one last thing, can you see the secret messages?* *edited for small typos after a review to make reading easier nothing big, just a word added and one fixed ;)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello writer,
I would just like to say a few things. One, you should never stray away from the topic you started with, it just confuses the readers. And, who really needs that. I do however, love how the words were, even if the topic was strayed from. Have a lovely night/ day / evening. ect ect.
Sticking to the theme is an important part of poetry, even in free verse. It started with complaints about girls who enjoy other things (stereotypical 'bitchy' girls) And turned into a love poem with quite a few metaphors and similes, and ended with a sentence that seemed like a fall-back. 'This is the end of the poem, now go home.' ? This does nothing for the work, and the verse's random endings and unnecessary capitalizations were strange. Of course, read through using the 'secret messages', the "secret" poem sort of makes sense, but your entire poem shouldn't rely on a silly trick.
Well, thats the point of the poem, is to be random. Appreciate the review, but I'm not editing it so it "makes sense" some of the best poetry out there makes no sense at all
Hey!
Nitpicks
It's*
Apostrophe after glass? :/
Hmm... I don't quite like the repetition of "big". Maybe just replace it with a synonym?
Okay. Done with that.
OMG I'm going to freak out right now! How in the world did you manage to write this?! I love the hidden message, it was such a clever idea. I like how it's different from all the other poems on here. It's wonderful.
I don't have much to critique. I love your imagery, and the poem itself was just written beautifully!
You have totally deserved a like from me. I lo-oooove this!
~WillowPaw1~
P.S. The hidden message was amazing
OMG thank you! Thanks for the nitpicks, and the repition of big was to show, big hips and big breasts, I think huge or humongous would've uh, sounded weird. The apostrophe after glass is purposefull, I'm saying glass's. Thanks so much!
Oh, okay. You're welcome
I'm glad you liked the hidden message, "You Love Me To Death" "Skinny Waist. Big Breasts." "But Baby, we aren't meant to be together." "Fantasy Dream Boy with Black hair and eyes that Red" -says that to make sure- XD
Yep, that's what I got!
Thewriter13 here for a review! I read the "hidden" message and appreciated how you incorporated that into your poem.
Few nitpicks:
The first line threw me off...are you missing a word in this line?
"I don't pretty girls, and how You
can like them." I think they're supposed to be a verb after "don't" so please tell me if there's a word there.
Also,
"And they're just way to Skinny
like a glass' Waist." to should "too"
In the line "Their tops are too small I can almost see their Breasts." you should either replace "too" with "so" or make the line "Their top are too small that I can almost see their Breasts."
I would go back and revise this and work on comma placement and other punctuation. The flow is interesting, as well.
You don't have to change the flow but just work on those nitpicks.
Great poem! That is all
Keep writing!
Thanks for the review! Yes, minor typos haha! I will fix!