Published March 7, 2016
Mortal. Limited. Useless.
What's the point when you're only going to live 80 years?
Is it some kind of thrill to keep the adrenaline running through that racing heart?
Abandonment. Suffering. Longing.
My heart-- she stops. A human, she never stops.
What is life like never stopping?
My. Struggle. In-
Humans. What is it like to know your friend will die in fifty years?
My sword, and dragon, they will outlive the strongest of bonds between humans.
What. Petty. Thoughts-
Of wasting a life on friendship.
What is it like to know, you will not exist a thousand years from now?
What is it-
To know, your friendship is not eternal, no
It's not infinite.
It's. Forever. Mortal.
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138,439 Literary Works • 672,119 Reviews
Who is she? Is she stopping the heart? Does your heart go off when she stops? Is she the life?
What's this "In-"
Is it supposed to be "What petty thoughts." As a statement? Not really enjoying the punctuation,
The rest is great I love the idea of it saying that sometimes you feel like friendship is a waste because you'll die anyways.
Wait one other thing, whats with the sword and dragon? I know its a poem but I feel like that came out of nowhere. Maybe put some reasoning to that.
You have a great mind. Keep writing!
Who is she? Well, she's a demon OC of mine. Her heart only beats 1 time every five minutes, thus the my heart stops.
The "In-" is like, "My Struggle In Humans. In Human World."
Yes, it is. I'm sorry if you don't like the punctuation, but it's how it is.
The sword is a reference to her being a demon, she always carries around a sword, and the dragon is her husband (that's his 'nickname'?)
Thanks.
Hey Ruro,
I think this is a good start. I have to disagree with you, I think it needs less interrupting thoughts. It needs to be more monologue oriented in my opinion.
Okay so on with the review.
Overall I really like the sections where you have her talking about the ideas that come to mind when your speaker thinks about friendship from their immortal point of view, but I'd really like you to get inside her head more. I want to know more, and that's a good thing in poetry, except you are just scratching the surface.
You interrupt the speaker so often with these italicised thoughts that are broken, jabbery, and overall disjointed from what's being said and they change the topic and direction of the poem. I don't like that. I'd like it better if you went deep into one of these trains of thought and just explored that single aspect so we really got a feel for everything going on inside her head. For instance, go into detail about all the things that become pointless when you only know that you're living for 80 years, that your friendship will die in 50 years. Go into that mindset and really explore what would seem unimportant, and useless to your speaker.
Overall, I'd like to see you using more line breaks too. I think you've got every line capitalized at the start and ending with a punctuation mark of some sort. Instead of writing it like that, let it flow from line to line. Right now the poem has an overall feel of broken-ness which doesn't support a sound mind and body which you want to present for the audience so they can feel comfortable reading what you write. It makes it difficult to translate, and require translation.
In summary, I think you should do the challenge again, but this time just follow one rabbit trail through to the end, give it some thought, and consider what would be useless or pointless to her, or what would she envy, what would she hate, etc. I think that's where you're going to get some interest out of this topic and point of view.
-Aley