Young Writers Society

Isn't this the example you used to help me with my only-black-dragon-story?

Hey Pegasusgirl2, it's wildwildcat here to give you a review on this beginning work on fantasy.
First of all, you have a couple verb-tense issues. An example is when the introduction mentions Kiria waking, moaned instead of moans keeps your tenses all the same. Also, when you mention Flint as the "darkest" of them all, but then he is the one who wants to save the girl, I can't help but feel that he has some subvert machinations in store? If this is the case, perhaps an early allusion to this or foreshadowing can help set the scene. If he is genuinely benevolent, using a word other than "darkest" can hopefully drive your point home. Then again, when you mention Flint as the "last of his kind" and "learn to love again" they probably hint at something to, so I'm a little unsure.
The story starts out quickly, and lays many concepts and backstory, not all of which is explained in detail. I would recommend saving some of it entirely for a later part where you can shed more light on said issues.
Just my two bits,
wildwildcat

Hiya, Peg ^-^
Firstly let me note that I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvve stories like this >.<
Anyhoo, I liked the character names more than anything, especially Flint lol

The setting was sensational, but there wasn’t enough detail in the surroundings and the characters, and how the leading lady felt, what she thought. It was a bit abstract in that department, but other than that, the setting is brilliant, the atmosphere, the feel of it—it was all good. Just work in some description and explain how she feels and what she thinks more, or she’ll only appear to me one-dimensional.

Parts that added a huge since of mythical setting and magical-ness (if you will) were these (Amongst others):

“"He is, afterall, the last of his kind, maybe he could learn to love again."”

“Flint yelled, fantasies of all kinds awoke at his loud voice.”

“...And everyone and “everything” gasped.” I loved that (and everything) lol

It reminded me of Snow White a little lol but that’s a compliment, given that Snow White is one of the most beloved fairytales of all times. You really have something here, and with a little polishing up, this could be sensational. I’d encourage you to write the entire story for sure.

Catnip~

Hello there Pegasusgirl2 here i is with a review sorry I don't really have the time for a large review so I let em make this a little quick.

OK just in-case you did not know I really like fantasy this is one of the best pieces that are on here and it is the best one but I think you need to make this a good bit larger for a chapter you know like the size of a normal chapter.

OK some of this does not make any sense and some of it does but most of it is strait down.

Your spelling and grammar and stuff is really good too I think you have a good talent for writing here I look forward to your next post on this that is if I get to see it.

Well good work here.

Keep writing and good work.

Until later Good bye.

~Jon~

I hope that it helped and forgive me if I rambled.

hmmm, hey Peg! Kammie here with a review

This is very interesting, I really enjoyed the plot! But this is definitely a first draft

This could have a little more work done to it, and it would be pretty great!

NITPICKS:

"But she is agirl!" The mermaids hissed.

#40BF40 ">"But she is a girl!" The mermaids hissed.

"Where did she come from!"Elves #FF4000 ">murmered.

#40BF40 ">"Where did she come from?" Elves murmured.

(Because the elves "murmured" It, there shouldn't be an exclamation mark.)

Also: Make sure you double check your formatting ^.&
GREATS:

Favourite Word(s): "The fairies shrieked"

Favourite Character(s): Shadow


That's all I have for now! Keep me posted


Love and Stuff~

Kammie

I like your story. It was interesting

I like your story! It's very interesting! Please update when you get the time